Want, Need, Wear, Read

Have yall heard of doing want, need, wear, read for Christmas?  You essentially buy your kids one thing in each category.  We loosely followed it this year and it was fun and kept the chaos slightly at bay (my husband would disagree)

I thought it would be fun to do something similar on Mondays- so without further adieu here's what we've been

Wanting:  I just restocked a lot of my makeup favorites this month.  I tried out Ilias skin serum super tint a couple months ago and really liked it.  I picked up another shade and also their mascara, lip oil, setting powder, and a new concealer.  If you haven't used them yet, I highly recommend!  Their shade match is pretty spot on too- it is VERY hard to figure out the true color via the computer so definitely send in a selfie, they are so spot on.  I sent in my picture 3x because I kept deleting the email with their recommendations 😂  With that being said, I want to pick up this bronzer for summer and this multi-stick which I have heard great things about.

Needing:  a vacuum.  We sent our one and only vacuum to Dyson on December 9th and it's been... delayed/being repaired since.  Thinking about a stick vacuum but ugh who wants to shell out that kind of money.  Anyone have any suggestions- this is an adulting question for sure!  Welcome to your midthirties.

Wearing:  I've had this beanie on repeat and just bought it in pink as well.  I know everybody and their daughter, mother, sister, friend, child is wearing carhart this winter but... I just can't.  I also bought this one over the weekend and will let you know, I fell in love with the pattern on it.  

Reading: I just finished The Woman in Cabin 10.  It was good but not great to me I would rate it a 6.5/10.  Somewhat thrilling at the beginning but the storytelling gets a bit redundant.  

Whats on your want, need, wear, read list?  
Have a great Monday friends!

How I handle my SAD otherwise known as EVERY PERSON WHO LIVES IN N. AMERICA

When I moved to NC, I kind of (naively) thought my seasonal depression days were behind me.  "Here I come" I thought! Sunshine! Warm days! Winter is behind me.

Turns out, we still have winter here.  And while it is not the oppressive four-five month long ordeal that Cleveland is, we still have our fair share of overcast skies, rain for days on end, and overall womp womp feeling that just settles in during January and early February.

So in the spirit of figuring things out and pushing ahead no matter what- here are my top recommendations for getting through winter as best as possible

1) HYDRATE.  I don't know if this has a direct link to depression but I do know that N.O.T.H.I.N.G. in your body will work right if you aren't well hydrated.  I have a difficult time drinking cold beverages in the winter so I drink a LOT of herbal tea.  If I am feeling off, the first thing I try to do is drink a big glass of water.

2)  Sunless tanner.  I know, I know, some of you are going to give me grief over this one.  But I swear, just looking down and not seeing ghost legs with flaky skin helps my mood.  I am currently using this one, but I feel like I need to be honest and say I've never quite managed a streakless look with it (there is always one **** area that smudges), I plan on trying this one next.

3)  Setting an alarm.  This week I set my alarm to wake up well before my kids and it helps.  I journaled, I prayed, I threw a pity party that I am living in a climate where it gets cold and sometimes I feel sad.  LOL, and then I moved the **** on with my day.  I made time for what I wanted to do and then got to what needs to be done.

4) Motivation begets motivation.  When I am feeling depressed, the last thing I want to do is move, or accomplish anything.  Creating a list of tasks that need to be accomplished helps and I even noticed a positive difference in my kids.  They are home from school today so I made a quick "chore list" and my daughter was beaming at me when she finished saying "I feel so good mom" and then yes, they transitioned to chilling and watching TV.  If you don't know where to start, I usually find a task that I really want done but subconsciously have been waiting for someone else to do (organizing my closet, cleaning out the screened in porch, etc) and then I get it done.  It feels so good to get a big task out of the way and makes the little tasks of the day (dinner, food prep, cleaning, etc a little easier)

5) Dreaming.  I am a huge dreamer and nothing lifts my spirits more than planning for the future.  Whether its the next trip we are going to take, or looking at dresses for my best friends wedding (have you all SEEN the spring dresses?!  They are a VIBE and I am here for it) it feels good to know there are things to look forward to and that I will eventually be warm.  

This dress is my favorite! 😍 but the price!  I also like two, three, four, and five!

6) A good cry, therapy session, gab session.  Sometimes I just need to talk about my feeling, okay a lot of times I just need to talk about my feelings.  My long time friends and I just set up a monthly or 2x monthly zoom call and it's amazing how much life it gives me to connect with these people that have known me for over half my life.  It helps me connect to who I used to be, see how much I've grown, and just generally laugh my ass off!

7) Supplements.  I try to be extra diligent about taking my vitamins in the winter.  There's lots of extra germs floating around and my body generally tends to feel a little under the weather.  I take a collagen, vitamin B, ashwaganda, CBD, and others as I feel I need it.  It takes a lot of time/effort/mistakes to figure out what works for you and when to take certain things but they can definitely change the game!

8) A good book, AKA finding something you enjoy.  Christian LOVES his shows and definitely likes to unwind with the TV.  I watch TV in the evening but it's not necessarily what relaxes me/fills me with those good vibes.  A good book thought?  Count me in, I've recently been branching out in my reads and have loved this, this, and this.  I listened to one and two on audible (finally figured out non fiction is best read out loud to me like a podcast as I'll never make it through otherwise) and am excited to read this and this.  I have a goal of 100 books this year... dun dun dun!  

Alright, so give me your secrets!  What things to do you do to help yourself get through the winter?

Stay warm!

Lost.

losing.  it is a word that describes so much, almost too much.  you can lose a hair tie, or a battle with cancer.  you can lose your way to a concert or your way in your life.  

I've lost out on parts in plays (10th grade), I've lost out on love (college breakup comes to mind). I've lost my sense of direction and my appetite.  We are not strangers, losing and I.

Yet, I still find myself shying away when we encounter each other anew for the day.  Oh hello loss, you want to touch this day as well?  Even now, five years later, it feels as if I could only turn a page, find the answers I skipped over, get the questions right this time. 

My chest feels the weight as I sat with a friend and described not having my mom.  "It never goes away because I find a different way I've lost her every day"  The hollow realization that this the what awaits my own daughter.  The pain, oh the pain, I've never lost the pain.

At times, I am able to manage it, to walk with a slight limp.  Other times it confines me to a never ending cycle of PTSD and depression.  My thoughts spin themselves into a flurry.  The ever underwhelming phrase "it's not fair" comes to mind.  Right behind it, the fear of something worse happening, losing another child, to cancer perhaps, a twisted combination of living both the loss of my mom and my daughter.  

Everything aches, nothing is safe.  I've lost so many things, my keys, my virginity, my naivete.  How does one put an end to the suffering?  What wont be touched?  How can I hold on tighter?  

My thoughts spin themselves shallow.  I am forever without words.

life

 i just went back and read all these extremely introspective and also totally self-centered blog posts from 2009.  in a way it was comforting, because although so much has changed over the pasty 11 years, my internal core struggles have remained the same.  disheartening perhaps, but comforting.  

11 years later and i,

still have no idea what i am doing

still question the role i play in my own life

still worry about life passing me by and not accomplishing anything

the good news is that some of those hard earned lessons i learned with guy stuck around for the single part 2 episode of my life.  jesus, i'm glad i'm not in my early twenties anymore, for the most part.  there was a lot of "why doesn't so and so like me"  also in 2009, i had a crazy year which i documented via a month by month breakdown of my behavior.  there is a part of me that misses that, just this whole self-obsession of wondering about myself.  now i wonder about myself but i also have to wonder about four other people and they let me know an a daily basis that i'm not doing enough.

in all honesty though, i feel a little lost.  i was talking to Christian the other day and i was essentially like "I always thought I would run a marathon.  When I planned my life, I just always thought I would be that girl" and here I am, not getting younger and I feel I have to decide.  Will I run one?  and it's not just that, it's just that I thought my life would go a certain way and it most definitively isn't.  beyond just the bad stuff of course because that would fuck my anyone up.  but i just struggle and i don't struggle lightly with like "should i do keto again" (jokes, i've never done keto guys).  it's a struggle of "why doesn't God do this?"  And then I think well if God is inside of me should i be accomplishing it on my own?  What about all these dreams I have, what the hell is happening there?  Oh you just aren't working towards them?  cool,  

Guys, I compose the best shit in my head.  The best books, the best speeches, the best interviews.  My head is a never ending story of life and love and all of these beautiful things and then I try to get them out of my head and it just doesn't work.  I give up or fall apart.  How do I care about myself enough to get these unlocked?  AND WHAT IF IT'S ALL POINTLESS ANYWAY?  

there's so many creative forces on social media these days.  and i hate social media guys, like i just do.  i freaking hate it and the whole process of it stresses me out, but then i just tell myself "YOU DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO WORK"  I am always so mean to myself, it's a habit I am working on but not very consistently.

The end of the year gets me.  Another year rolling on by.  I still don't quite feel my age though.  As in, I still feel like I've lived way more life than 33 years.  Not quite as much as I did at 29 but still a good amount.  I have experienced the depths of pain and still come out on the other side somehow.  But what do I have to show for it?  Not as much as I wish I did.  

I'm ready to level up though.  I'm ready to not be so consumed by my shortcomings.  I'm ready to just move the fuck on with it.  

and if you want me to give a speech, i'm ready for it.

This is the cost of love



We view love as an emotional thing.  A feeling perhaps? A flux state?  But it's not.  Love is grief, and grief is love.  It devours, you are the prey.  No part of you left hidden when it visits. 

The day Ellery died, I remember staring at myself in the mirror and I couldn't recognize myself.  My face was swollen like I had been beaten.  My eyes were two slits from which tears someone managed to seep out.  My lips were dry and cracked.  My entire body, limb to limb, torn apart.  My stomach betrayed me, making me violently ill.  My head pounded.  I clutched it in my hands.  Willing the seconds, that felt like hours, weigh on me oppressively, while the truth pounded itself into my head behind my eyes.

YOUR DAUGHTER IS DEAD
YOUR DAUGHTER IS DEAD
YOUR DAUGHTER IS DEAD



I stood there, or laid there, or fell there.  The truth seeming to pound itself into every cell individually.  My shock registering one atom at a time.  Everything you knew till this moment has been shattered.  Your entire soul is ripped in half.  A being that came from your being, lungs that came from your lungs, a heart that came from your heart,

is gone. 



This is the cost of love.  Unconditional, pure love where you don't know where their breath ends and yours begins.  The love that entwines you so that the vines never truly unravel from your waist. 

The love that keeps you carrying the suitcase when it feels as if the weight of it might crush you.  Every day for the rest of your life, you wake up with the suitcase on your chest.  You carry it with you to work... to your family.  To your house and car and vacation.  The suitcase is at every sunrise and every sunset.  Sometimes it seems as if you have carried it your whole life.


This is the cost of love.

creation before consumption

a friend recently remarked that in this age, to give life to herself she created a habit of creating before consuming.  so before she hops on social media, before she reads the articles about the must haves... she creates something with her own hands, eyes, heart.





the simplicity in this rocked me.  how often do i look to consume to fill my heart rather than creating.  art is truly an expression of God.  yesterday, i had a heavy day in counseling and my feelings were getting the better of me, add in a rainy day and grey skies and i felt overwhelmed.  so i sat down an did some lettering... fo the first time ever.  my mom did beautiful calligraphy and i've always wanted to try.

in this moment i have about 6 blog posts that i want to read.  but i challenged myself to write here first.  to share even though i don't feel there is much to share.  but sometimes that is what we need.  someone to say, not much is going on, but i am still taking small steps.  i'm improving in small ways. 

i had such a soul filling conversation last night.  a reminder that small things can make or break big things.  a reminder that we are meant to create and sometimes the very things that we turn to in order to "help" us are the things that are holding us back. 

i love self-development books.  i love people telling me how to let that shit go and saying i am a badass.  but i'm done with it for a while.  the first step of trusting yourself is to let the opinions of others fall by the wayside, and i need a break.  i need a break of trying to get through the next step, of following other people's plans, coaching, or courses.  what i need to do is lean into myself.  into the God in me, to get quiet and listen.

to spend more time journaling and less time reading.
to spend more time doing and less time thinking.

2020, i am ready.

Carry the Weight

Sometimes it gets heavy.  The feeling on my chest of just not quite being able to breathe as freely as I should.  The slight trembling in my hands.  The wracking of my brain—— what did I do differently
Today?  Why am I upset today?  What is wrong with me that I can’t get a grip on myself.  Why am I so mean?  Why do I shut down?

Don’t touch me
Leave me alone

I’ve read 101 books on positive mindsets, on shifting your perspective, on turning trials into triumphs and still sometimes I get stuck in this mud.  I can’t seem to pull myself out.  The thoughts are there.  You’ll always be like this Bria.  It’s not going to get better.

So I sit with those thoughts.  I invite them in and give them a cup of coffee.  I ask why they made their entrance today.  We sit and cry together.  It’s dark today and I need a blanket to stay warm.

He feels left out, they feel left out.
I don’t know how to let anyone in.  I am a prisoner - I don’t have the keys (you think they’d give them to me?). I sit quietly in my cell- sometimes I get tired of trying.

Wats the point in trying when trees can strike you down?

What’s the point in trying when you still have bad days?