a friend recently remarked that in this age, to give life to herself she created a habit of creating before consuming. so before she hops on social media, before she reads the articles about the must haves... she creates something with her own hands, eyes, heart.
the simplicity in this rocked me. how often do i look to consume to fill my heart rather than creating. art is truly an expression of God. yesterday, i had a heavy day in counseling and my feelings were getting the better of me, add in a rainy day and grey skies and i felt overwhelmed. so i sat down an did some lettering... fo the first time ever. my mom did beautiful calligraphy and i've always wanted to try.
in this moment i have about 6 blog posts that i want to read. but i challenged myself to write here first. to share even though i don't feel there is much to share. but sometimes that is what we need. someone to say, not much is going on, but i am still taking small steps. i'm improving in small ways.
i had such a soul filling conversation last night. a reminder that small things can make or break big things. a reminder that we are meant to create and sometimes the very things that we turn to in order to "help" us are the things that are holding us back.
i love self-development books. i love people telling me how to let that shit go and saying i am a badass. but i'm done with it for a while. the first step of trusting yourself is to let the opinions of others fall by the wayside, and i need a break. i need a break of trying to get through the next step, of following other people's plans, coaching, or courses. what i need to do is lean into myself. into the God in me, to get quiet and listen.
to spend more time journaling and less time reading.
to spend more time doing and less time thinking.
2020, i am ready.
Carry the Weight
Saturday, December 14, 2019
Sometimes it gets heavy. The feeling on my chest of just not quite being able to breathe as freely as I should. The slight trembling in my hands. The wracking of my brain—— what did I do differently
Today? Why am I upset today? What is wrong with me that I can’t get a grip on myself. Why am I so mean? Why do I shut down?
Don’t touch me
Leave me alone
I’ve read 101 books on positive mindsets, on shifting your perspective, on turning trials into triumphs and still sometimes I get stuck in this mud. I can’t seem to pull myself out. The thoughts are there. You’ll always be like this Bria. It’s not going to get better.
So I sit with those thoughts. I invite them in and give them a cup of coffee. I ask why they made their entrance today. We sit and cry together. It’s dark today and I need a blanket to stay warm.
He feels left out, they feel left out.
I don’t know how to let anyone in. I am a prisoner - I don’t have the keys (you think they’d give them to me?). I sit quietly in my cell- sometimes I get tired of trying.
Wats the point in trying when trees can strike you down?
What’s the point in trying when you still have bad days?
Today? Why am I upset today? What is wrong with me that I can’t get a grip on myself. Why am I so mean? Why do I shut down?
Don’t touch me
Leave me alone
I’ve read 101 books on positive mindsets, on shifting your perspective, on turning trials into triumphs and still sometimes I get stuck in this mud. I can’t seem to pull myself out. The thoughts are there. You’ll always be like this Bria. It’s not going to get better.
So I sit with those thoughts. I invite them in and give them a cup of coffee. I ask why they made their entrance today. We sit and cry together. It’s dark today and I need a blanket to stay warm.
He feels left out, they feel left out.
I don’t know how to let anyone in. I am a prisoner - I don’t have the keys (you think they’d give them to me?). I sit quietly in my cell- sometimes I get tired of trying.
Wats the point in trying when trees can strike you down?
What’s the point in trying when you still have bad days?
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