loss.

most of my life feels like a nightmare right now.  i wake up and live a day filled with loss and then sleep a night filled with nightmares.

elly would have been two months old yesterday.  i thought about the monthly pictures i was going to do with her- taken with her bunny lovey and wept.  i thought about how she won't get a first birthday party, or ever get to run or walk, won't say momma, won't wave out the window while her sister and brother go to school...  and then i thought about how i could have born all of the weight of losing my child if only my husband would have stayed.

that morning when he walked out, we didn't touch each other.  i was preoccupied with getting the kids breakfast and assumed he was pulling in the trash cans.  i don't know why things didn't go differently- why i didn't say something or pull him in for a hug or why i didn't hear the car door slam.  the why's in this situation could swallow me, very easily actually.

i keep telling myself dawn will come, that my family will rise from this- but honestly at this point i have a hard time believing that i still have a family.  my counterpart, my constant is gone, ripped from my life in the cruelest way imaginable.  the thing i keep thinking is why us, i mean we were so in love.  so many people these days are in loveless or unhappy marriages.  that wasn't us.  we were in bliss, so content to just be- just be together.  i would have never ever left his side, not even for a second.  we never strayed from each other in the five years we were married.

there isn't a second that goes by that i don't feel his void in my life and catching the smiles of my kids as they run around and play rips the wound further... the only thought in my head "he should be here for this, he should be here for this"

it's hard to be this broken.