mastectomy

last tuesday, angelina jolie announced in a new york times op-ed feature that she has undergone a preventative double mastectomy because she carries a brca gene.

my mom was diagnosed with (advanced stage 3 or 4) breast cancer at 32, when i was 1.  she beat it and lived for seven more years before dying at 39, when i was 8.  my mom's death has (obviously) had a lifelong influence on me.  in many ways, i am only now understanding and overcoming the immense grief as i experience it anew as a mother.  parenthood changes everything, even things you thought you processed long ago.  as i am watching my daughter grow, it brings to the surface how much i really and truly miss my mom.

when you are little, you look at your parents as superhuman.  being able to overcome anything.  i remember repeatedly asking my mom to marry me when i was young because i couldn't imagine ever loving someone as much as i loved her.  you then enter the teenage years, think your parents know nothing, and then eventually come full circle where you are able to appreciate your parents as an adults and friends.  for me this cycle halted, cut short as a child, watching someone i thought was superhuman succumb to death.  that instilled a fear in me that i have never been able to truly cope with.  the pain of never knowing my mother as an adult is something that never leaves you completely.

medically, what her diagnosis means for me is that i go to check ups every 6 months, have yearly MRI's and mammograms, diagnostic ultrasounds of anything "suspicious", have already undergone a lumpectomy at 24 (benign), and have already had two specialists recommend prophylactic surgery.

at this stage of my life, i have begun genetic counseling and testing.  but the genes that we know about only account for 10% of cancer... 90% is still left unanswered.  i will go through this process and receive either positives or negatives... but i will still not know if it means anything because my mom didn't have any genetic testing done.  it's almost as if the best i can hope for is a positive because then i know.  no positive hit could mean i do have a gene that isn't detected yet, my mom didn't have a gene it was random, or my mom had a gene and i didn't get it.

there has been and still is a lot of fear in me in regards to breast cancer.  and in regards to life and death and loss.  my mind constantly swirls around loss, ruining precious moments that should be mine for enjoyment.  my daughter in the sunshine, my husband whispering "i love you" too often these moments are immediately followed by an arresting fear.

fear is given a bad rap in our culture "don't make decisions based out of fear."  but having my past that i do, i disagree with this.  fear is a NATURAL emotion and one that should not be ignored or explained away.  although we can do our best to overcome fears, this can be done in a multitude of ways.  for example, with the birth of my first child, i knew from the beginning i wanted a c-section.  my anxiety level about birth and the birth process plus the chance of emergency c-section (40%) weighed so heavily on my mind that for me there was no option but to schedule it.  my doctor fortunately understood my decision, and i received nothing but support from him or my husband.  this decision was based on fear, but there is no doubt that for me it was the right one.  i overcame my fear of childbirth but i did it in a highly unconventional way and one that many woman may not agree with.

prophylactic surgery, at this stage, for me would be based on fear.  fear of not watching my daughter grow up, fear of her experiencing the same, overwhelming heartbreak that i have, fear of leaving my husband...  but i don't think that these motivations are wrong.  and for the women that have chosen the surgery, if it was based on fear - that's ok! we stand behind you 100% for whatever reason it was made.  for right now, i am not 100% sure what i will choose (providing i don't get a "hit" during genetic testing, then my mind is made up and i would proceed with prophylactic surgery at the earliest possible time).  a preventative double mastectomy is not a walk in the park and it will forever change me.  but so would cancer.

sometimes fear is overcome by embracing extreme action.  "conquering" can mean something different to every person alive.  for now, i will walk all avenues available to me, counseling for my mental health and my specialists for my physical health.  i choose to leave no stone un-turned because my daughter depends on me.  i walk this road of conquering fear for her.



for now a "thank you" to the women who have to make these decisions and the specialists and doctor's out there that are helping us.  my doctor's are literally AMAZING and to have their support in addition to my family is almost to much to handle.  

this post is dedicated to my daughter and to my mom, who is missed every day.  

chutzpah

i will do almost anything to avoid confrontation.  with others, i will lie, pay more for an item.  to avoid it within myself, well there's drinking for that.

it is almost a disease, avoiding confrontation.  in my mind/heart, etc it feels like if i can avoid the confrontation and just get over whatever is bothering me, everything will be okay again.  i do it with everyone but the person it impacts the most is my spouse and eventually it will impact my kids.  i am so sensitive and have such a difficult time dealing with other's anger or not even anger, just unpleasant emotions, that i will do almost anything to avoid it.

the hubby and i are watching seinfeld from the beginning and this clip really struck me.  besides being hilarious (which it is) what struck me is that elaine has some chutzpah.  i couldn't help but be a little jealous when i watched this.  in fact, most of the characters on seinfeld are confrontational when the situation arises for it, even nice guy jerry.  and as i've been watching this show, i can't help but think "why can't i have a simple confrontation without having a panic attack?" why if someone else is in the wrong, am i more than willing to make up for their mistake?

i am a people pleaser, i know this, but what i am just starting to realize is how deep this goes and how dangerous it can be to a relationship.  my poor husband has to literally DAHRAG things out of me in order to for us to discuss them and sometimes i won't even do it then.

this post is going to have an abbreviated ending because as of right now... i don't have the answer.  i don't have this secret ingredient that i can say "well i used to be scared to confront but now i can!" so far... it's something i've realized and on my list of things to tackle.

half written.

i have a lot of half written posts.  writing down my life and what has been happening lately (it's been a lot).  but i can't say i have any real interest in finishing them...

as previously mentioned, my husband and i got married pretty quickly, as in less than five months.  and during those five months you would have thought i was waiting five years "ohmygosh i am soreadytobemarried already!!!" now i look back on that time and i wish i would have enjoyed it.  our somewhat crazy nights out (we were in the process of toning it down as we settled into coupledom), my cruise with my best friend that has ended up being my last friend vacation for a while, our lazy saturday afternoons coupled with nights out to dinner.

sometimes it's easy to look back and think "oh we were so in love then" because of course we were.  and it's probably safe to say, i didn't experience quite the same level of frustration with him that i do at times now.  but the truth of the matter is, it was just simpler then.  life was more simple, no kid, separate bank accounts, buying a house and moving was not on our mind.  but "more simple" doesn't mean "more in love" and something needs to be said for the love that endures the complications of life.  that's why love has to grow, you cannot love your husband now as much as you did on your wedding day.  it's safe to say that if you do, your marriage is in trouble, because it has to grow.  just to keep up with the changes you experience, your family experiences.  love has to develop to encompass the struggles and the joys that life brings.  it's safe to say our life was more simple then, but the depth of joy that i experienced at that time is no where near what i have experienced now, especially as i have added motherhood to the mix.

part of me is wanting to get bogged down in the stress we are facing now.  health, finances, it's all there, waiting for me to dwell in it.  but i am doing my best to force myself to remember that our life is only going to get more complicated.  my daughter's problems will turn into things i can't solve just by rocking her, we'll have even more complicated finances as we add a mortgage into the mix, we'll face aging parents, hopefully we'll add another baby into the mix.  there will only be more threads woven in, more ends that will need tied up, so heart treasure this time.  these simple days that you spend in your rental with the baby that you love so dearly.  treasure the simple love that you have for your husband, knowing in ten years, it will be completely transformed into something even deeper.  know that the trials and stress will not go away but as you endure them, they will eventually allow you to experience deep, deep joy as you develop.

"in three words i can sum up everything i've learned about life 'it goes on'" Robert Frost.

time stops for no man, be grateful little heart for right now.

failure

you all, confession, i am s-c-a-r-e-d to fail, not just at big stuff, but small things too.  in fact, i have a dangerous tendency to not try at things i could fail at.  if i don't feel that i am capable of doing it perfectly the very first time, sometimes i will sit out or half ass an activity just so i can tell myself i didn't try.  it's the only child ohmygosh if i don't do everything right and one person critisizes me the world will end syndrome.

see i used to work outside of the home.  at a job i h-a-t-e-d.  i am talking come home in tears/fits hated. it was a company that didn't value it's employees and a stressful job.  but i was secure, i was good at it, i could quantify my value with my paycheck, and i wasn't failing.  when baby a came along, my husband kept telling me "we have bank money, take this time to figure out what you WANT to do, don't do something just to do it" and you all... i just didn't get it.  i played around with the idea of waiting tables (but as my husband says my spacial intelligence pretty much amounts to "i'm on earth"... yes i am that clumsy) and working nights would take me away when A could possibly need me most.  and working during the day just isn't an option for our family based on what we want.

during the holiday season, i started making headbands for my little one and my aunt suggested selling them.  so she hooked me up and i have accessories in one of her friends shop and i opened my own etsy shop... in january... and you all i have yet to sell one measly little hair band.  and it is scaring the shit out of me.  i am worried i won't make the money back i invested, won't be able to do something that i enjoy to make money.

but you all... as i sit here typing this... no joke - i am realizing how silly it is.  i didn't invest thousands, i can easily pick up a part time job if i have to. and i still have time... to edit my listings, promote my business.  and even if after this year, it never really takes off and i have sold two items, i can tell myself that i tried and that i tried hard.

i am a girl that follows the rules and it is so hard to push me out of my comfort zone.  my husband made fun of me because he let me try my hand at playing grand theft auto one day and no joke, i stopped at the red lights... he said "the cops don't even pull you over for that in this game."  but you all, life is short, way too short to sit at a job you hate for 40+ hours a week, way to short to spend time with someone who isn't good for you, and way too short to sit out and not try.  i am realizing this and i am trying.

pajama monday

baby and i are having a pajama monday today.  as a sahm i often feel pressure, put on by myself of course, to constantly "do" things to make sure i am needed/worthwhile.  gotta clean, gotta cook, gotta read the baby a book (ok rhyming skills need help).

but today.  i am relishing the quiet, knowing that these days are going to be a memory quicker than i would like.  and i am giving myself the day off, letting myself do only what i want to do today.  enjoying the bright sun from the comfort of my heated home, smelling the new fragrance from my bath and body plug in (it's this one, in case you are curious), and knowing that i am very very lucky to be at home with my little girl enjoying these moments.

even the dogs are quiet today, munching on their bones.  (and see that terrible mess couch cover... yes that was one of our most recent wastes of $30.  perhaps it's because i have terriers and they feel the need to dig, dig, dig.  perhaps it's just because it's crap but it does not stay up.  however, because my dogs do chew bones and lick their paws constantly... i'm just not ready to give up on the idea of protecting our investment.)

i have been reading the happiness project recently and am about halfway through.  i had hesitated picking it up for a while because the reviews on amazon are so polarizing.  but amazon put the kindle edition on sale for $4.99 and i happily picked it up for the price of basically my drink at starbucks.  and can i tell you i am so glad i did.

are her thoughts and revelations earth shattering?  no.  we aren't dismantling an atomic bomb or anything.  but for this stage of my life, they are so very, very relevant.  in the day to day, of diapers and being alone with my child and making ends meet... how do i maximize my happiness?  one tip is an empty shelf... with our homes full an empty shelf leaves room for possibilities, for expansion and growth, a small reminder that we are not done, not finished... that we can still achieve and g-r-o-w.  so today i cleared it, an empty shelf all to myself.  above our vast tea collection selection and my vitamins.

so there you have it.  an empty shelf and a reminder that we are not done.  happy pajama monday everyone.