8 weeks left.

I am officially as of today, 31 weeks along.  If I go through with a scheduled C-section, the most time I have left is 8 weeks (ohmygoodness).  I am 5 weeks away from when I went into labor with Addie.  The end is coming and is so bittersweet.

I have just a week left of having all three kids nannying plus my own.  They start school the 18th and this will be the first time in a year I am not caring for them in some way, either getting them on the bus or off, or spending the day with them in the summer.  I am so grateful for the opportunity that was provided the last year and loved getting to invest in these kids.  I can't believe I'm not going to hear about their first days of school or hear the whining in the morning "I don't want to go today!" It is for the best of reasons, but it is bittersweet.  Honestly, I just keep reminding myself that even if we weren't adding to the family, keeping up with the schedule would have been too hard and I would have had to quit anyway.  In the summer, the dad drops the kids off at my house since he starts work at 7, but in the winter they have to catch the bus so I have to be at their house by 6:30.  Adelynn's sleep is super important and she just never really adapted to having to be up.

Speaking of Adelynn.  Over the past month she has grown up so much.  I was really having a tough time from about 17-21 months or so.  She was clingy and whiny, she didn't ever want to be alone, she needed to be held, she wouldn't listen, etc, etc.  She is doing so much better.  It's not like I think "well that stage is over, glad we won't ever see her be fussy again" but hey, it's ok to celebrate a good stage without constantly dreading what will change or become more difficult again.  She is so verbal and her imagination has really taken off.  She loves dancing, singing, feeding all of her stuffed animals and coloring.  I am so thankful that we have entered a new stage before baby boy came and am really looking forward to her becoming a big sister.

Speaking of boy.  Holy cow, those final nesting, hormone raging, uncomfortable moments are here.  I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat.  Saturday saw me breaking down because "we have no space for him and it's like he doesn't even exist!"  Jim just looked at me and was like "I don't even know what to do with you."  I am getting so so excited over meeting him, seeing his face for the first time, the chubby cheeks, the curled fists.... and I'm crying.  Getting to create a person is literally the greatest gift.  Having watched Adelynn grow and accomplish has put things in perspective and made this time all the sweeter.  I can't believe I am blessed enough to do it again.  I can't believe there is only 8 weeks left until I look at his face and say "oh it was you in there."  My final ultrasound is in less than two weeks... after that no more glimpses till he is here. 

Also sidenote, we did transition Addie to a big girl bed and I will have a post on how that went!

It's Wednesday.  I'm a bit tapped for this week if I am going to be honest.  Addy started on the monitor at five am this morning and I woke up realizing I was in the exact same position that I fell asleep in last night, I didn't even get up to pee. 

That being said, this summer is sweet and full of hope and life and joy.  I have been struggling, struggling in a way of "jesus, this is the fifth freaking tantrum and the clock hasn't even hit 6:30 yet" "holy hell how can I be so mad at such a small human?" and struggling physically.  Adelynn is way more physical than I bargained for and is into climbing e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

That being said.  This summer is sweet.  I am overwhelmed and probably a bit underprepared for the biggest change that will take place in the nest few months but I have a boy that is kicking me every second of every day in my belly and I have a daughter that wraps her arms around me and when I do leave and come back gets so excited she just about has a conniption fit "MOMMY!!!!" I get to end my days with my soul mate and partner.  I have a tan for the first time ever because I actually get to spend my days outside as opposed to in an office.  We have plans for fruit stands and grilled corn, pulled pork and cupcakes.  My family is coming together, we are growing and maturing and laughing and crying, usually every day. 

I struggle with a lot and I don't know a lot, but I can tell you that I can look at Jim and know that he is my soul mate.  I look at A and know that, while she is way more than I bargained for, she is mine and the greatest gift I have been given.  I look at my stomach and know that in a couple of months, for the very first time, I will set eyes on my son.  For now, this is enough.

the truth.

"you can't handle the truth"

confession, i have never seen a few good men.  i am planning on watching this along with other movies i deem "must see" that were either just before my time or i never got around to watching (ie. the godfather among others) soon.

ahh the truth, the truth is my baby is in full blown sleep regression and i am now getting up 5+ times a night leading to very tearful mornings (me not her)

the truth is i no longer believe in any sleep training miracles and am not letting her "cry it out" much to the chagrin of some of the moms i know...

the truth is that sometimes, i just don't feel like writing.  not getting sleep and trying to train for my half is leaving me ex-hausted.  at seven pm when i normally go for my run, my sneakers feel like they have lead in them.  my eyelids are already heavy and what i really want to do is curl up on the couch with chips and cookies and watch seinfeld till i go upstairs.  the truth is, is that even without a outside of the home job, i still have weeks where i'm not pulled together, where parenting makes me feel at a loss, where we have more meals out of our microwave than i am proud of. 

but other than tears and unhealthy meals.  i have had bright spots.  i need to get better about including more pictures of the happenings around here, which means i need to get better at taking them.... but here we go

currently

eating: grilled food and lots of it on the weekends, burgers, brats, grilled veggies, steak, it's all coming my way and we don't have to turn on the oven AND my husband does the majority of the cooking, win win win!

planning: for my bestie to get in her 15 hours!!! OHEMGEE.  since she went southern over two years ago, our get togethers are few and far in between.  but (hopefully that will be changing) always always appreciated.  she hasn't seen baby since december so the changes will be remarkable and of course i am looking forward to her company

also i am planning for fathers day!!!!!!!!!!!  as you all remember, i love birthdays and any surprise days!  i am working out a full blown menu for fathers day and am using this to jump start my meal planning next week (holla i am pulling it together!) so far i am waiting on the husband to decide what he wants for dessert but i will be sure to take pictures (check!) and share what we have planned.  i will also share the video i made for him.

loving: my new tattoo!  i went on monday and finally got my inner arm tattoo done.  i love having a reminder of my mom so close to my heart

feeling: like a bad ass because my favorite tattoo artist remembered me and i haven't had her do a tattoo in 2+ years.  again, as someone who moonlights in pink cardigans by day, having a tattoo artist think i am legit is an honor i do not take lightly. also i feel way more bad ass that with my 10 tattoo i am finally confident enough to start having my ink show.

reading: i have been a book whore recently.  i raced through love the one you're with and heart of the matter by emily giffin and am now reading delirium by lauren oliver.  i like(d) all three but preferred love the one you're with over heart of the matter.

and just because i can't help it.

bad-ass.

give me that banana mom.

 

 



i know it's late on the getgo.

i have been processing a lot lately... without writing, which is odd for me.  mostly while nursing, running, or laying in bed at night.  i have started the rather arduous process of sifting through and processing my childhood memories as an adult.  i guess having a child has brought them to the forefront of my mind.  it's not really the easiest thing for me to do, some is painful, sometimes even more painful from this point of view.

but in any case, it leaves me a little high and dry in the writing field.  and in the spirit of transparency, i did start this blog with the knowledge that i eventually want it to grow and build it into a way to earn an income.  however, as i have spent more and more time on blogs, there seems to be a lot of "fluff." which is fine, but it's not what i want mine to be.  i want to write because i have something edifying to share, not because i have to post 7daysaweekohmygoshhere'smyweekendrecap.  again, in all areas of my life, i want to stay true to myself and my blog is a natural extension of that.

so at any rate, currently we have been (1) loving the weather, i mean loving loving loving it, thankyouptl! (2) hating 6 month shots :(  (3) enjoying time together as a family (4) realizing my scoliosis is having an impact on my running and that my days in runners shoes are numbered (5) trying my very very best to remain thankful at all times.

also quick update on my weekend, remember when i said i was attempting this cake?  okay, well i was so nervous to make it because i put an inordinate amount of pressure on myself to succeed at everything the very first time i do it ever and you guys, birthdays are a big deal.  but you all, it turned out soooooooooooo good.

(action shot!  hubby getting ready to blow out his candles!)

and when i say so good, i mean it is the best damn cake i have ever eaten.  seriously, please do yourself a favor and try it.  if i could mail you all a cake i would because no one should die without eating this.  the ONLY thing i changed in following the recipe was that i sweetened the icing "to taste" using the confectioners sugar, and only used about 2.5 cups in total.  everything else i followed to a "t."

so with that, happy tuesday!  and here's to cake for breakfast!

6 month postpartum update

ya'll.  it's time.  six months postpartum, and without further ado, here are the pics.  also please enjoy the awkward shots of my bedroom.

overall, i am pretty pleased.  since i already recapped my workout routines in this post, i am just going to give you the low down on what my experience was getting back into shape after birth and some things i forgot to mention.  

one) i really did my best not to stress about it at first.  trust me, the time to think about building muscle is not when you have postpartum blues, little to no sleep, and are recovering whether from birth or surgery.  those first couple of weeks, just focus on your little one and letting your body heal.  the weight comes off naturally especially if you breastfeed (which i HIGHLY recommend if at all possible).  just go in the with the expectation that even though you are not pregnant, you will still look 5 months pregnant for a little while, that's ok- it's natural.  what took nine months to build will not bounce back one day after giving birth.  and despite what our media tells us, getting back to your pre-baby jeans should not be your number one goal after birth.  bond with your baby, let yourself rest and recover and do your best not to stress (trust me, you'll have plenty of other stuff to worry about!!!)

two) a lot of people keep up their regular exercise routines during pregnancy and attribute that to their weight loss.  ya'll --- i did not keep up my fitness routine.  i went from running/working out semi-hardcore to just walking.  i didn't have any special medical complications that prevented me from exercising... other than the fact that oh yeah i was growing a human being.  pregnancy is not the time to stress about workouts.  however, i found that walking helped me just keep my moods somewhat level (although my husband may disagree) it got me outside and helped me stay a little more positive.  but i was not, i repeat not one of those girls running/lifting weights during pregnancy and that's ok.  

three) yes your body comes back, no not everything is the same.  for me, everything is mostly back to the way it was except there are a couple parts with a little cotton stuffing.  my lower abdominals and oddly enough my side/back ribs carry a little extra lovin.  time will tell to see if i completely lose this but in the mean time, i'm not worried.  i was for a while and then i thought to myself, eff it.  i look good, i feel good, i carried a freaking baby, let's rock this while i got it.  because trust me in 10 years - you'll probably wish for this body again.  

four) i am still 10 lbs off or so from what my pre-baby weight was, and that's ok.  i am working out consistently, i have muscle tone and i am still nursing exclusively.  i am letting it rest for now, of course i hope that with a regular running routine, i can one day reach that number again... but for now, i am letting it go.  be realistic and realize that even if you don't reach what your original goal was, you aren't failing.

five) listen to your husband/partner for support and compliments after birth.  you guys, giving birth no matter which way you do it... is not glamorous.  in fact, i would venture to say, it is probably one of the least glamorous things you will ever do in your life.  it's amazing and somewhat cool and you get a baby, so definitely worth it.  but it can leave you feeling a little deflated self-esteem wise.  i definitely felt that and i loved it/identified when giuliana rancic talked about the "momjo" in her show or basically just not losing that sexy post-baby.  again, it does come back.  you probably aren't going to feel terribly sexy three weeks out but give it some time.  once you feel comfortable leaving the baby, get yourself together, put on some makeup and go out with your husband, even if it's just for an hour or two.  j and i went out for the first time on our anniversary when little was about two months old.  just doing that was such a big step and helped me feel a little bit back to my old self.  you can still rock it with a baby, see below for proof.  love that gwen.

six) you guys, final piece of advice - try not to let it be your focus.  you get a baby.  a beautiful, precious human being that lived inside of you for nine months and now is out in the world.  if someone told me i had to hack off my nose in order to get her, i would do it gladly.  

the sun is up

guys, it may still be cold, but we have had consistently sunny days the past couple in ohio, NO complaints here.

nothing big is happening here, easing back into our routine.  april is a month of dr's appointments and follow ups (YUCK!) so the rest of the month will be heating up.  BUT i am gearing up for this weekend, it is the hubby's birthday SATURDAY and my little ones HALF BIRTHDAY SUNDAY!  i LOVE birthdays, especially other people's birthdays.  i LOVE LOVE LOVE planning things and making them special.  i am so excited about the tradition of celebrating my kids half birthdays because i can remember what a big deal it was to me when i was little "i'm 5 and A HALF!"

5 things i am doing for my husbands birthday

(1) making his cake!  wish me luck, i am making this banana cake and am VERY excited about it
(2) putting up a birthday banner
(3) wrapping his presents in kraft paper
(4) surprising him with krispy kremes in the morning
(5) and i have a big surprise planned with a poem i wrote about it that i will share later :)

5 things i love about each day

(1) my child's laugh, getting to stay at home means i am there for every smile, every laugh, and to comfort every tear, i forget this too often and need to remind my selfish heart to be t-ha-n-k-f-u-l
(2) my cup of coffee in the morning
(3) working out!
(4) naps on the couch with a 14 lb sweaty weight on my chest, itdoesn'tgetanybetter than a baby breathing on you
(5) my husband coming home and getting to relax with him at the end of his workday

alsoooooooo, with hitting six months, i thought i would do a post-partum update for you all and do a post on my body six months after giving birth pictures included!! (lucky you! :) so stay tuned that will be coming later this week.  :)

first six months favorites

hard to believe the little is getting ready to be six months old.  it's crazy how much she has changed and how interested she is in adult things already, namely my coffee cup and my water tumbler.  literally obsessed.  today i swear i turned my head for half a second while holding her and when i turned back she was chewing on my straw.  i am so excited for what the next six months are getting ready to bring us and of course celebrating her half birthday in a little less than two weeks.

the changes occurring in the first two years for a baby are remarkable and with so much on the market and them outgrowing thing so quickly, it is hard to know what to invest in.  here is my version of some "must haves" that include items i have found to be either just indispensable those first couple months or very multipurpose.  noticeably absent are high chairs, car seats, changing tables, etc.  those things are necessities and everyone has different preferences and styles.  so without further ado..

1. fisher price rock and play sleeper: this was recommended to me by another mom who had it recommended to her by another mom and so on.  i was so overwhelmed by all the bassinet and co-sleeper options but i knew i definitely wanted to keep her in my room the first couple months.  but the bassinets are PRICEY and i didn't feel completely comfortable having her in bed with me.
this thing is awesome for the following reasons:

• lightweight and folds up easily, you can hold the baby in one hand and the sleeper in the other which makes it awesome transporting from upstairs to downstairs (very portable!)
• approved for night time sleep! 
• it has a slight incline making it awesome for gerd/colic sufferers
• cheap this thing clocks in at around $50
• small it fit right next to my bed easier soothing
• it ROCKS hence the name, which equals easier soothing.  

notice my emphasis on soothing!  little a started out in this from night one and rocked it till about 3 months when we transitioned her to a crib.

2. halo sleep sack: this is a bit of a common item but i registered for a couple different swaddlers and liked this one the best for the following reasons (the other ones remain unworn and packed away).  little A had to sleep with her arms out (she keep her balled up fists right next to her cheeks and has since the womb) since the startle reflex didn't wake her up or disturb her sleep we used this swaddle which allowed for a tight wrapping around her midsection but let her arms be free.  we have stuck with the halo brand as she has gotten older and she is now using their sleep sacks.  also no blankets to get bunched by the face and obstruct breathing!

3. nordic carrier: i wanted to include this because i think it has features a lot of other carriers on the market lack.  this carrier has the infant position for when they are very small and literally grows with them all the way up.  i know a lot of people purchase the k'taan or moby for small infants and then the ergo baby or bjorn for when they are older.  everyone i know who has purchased this LOVES it, it's affordable and it literally does grow with the child, eliminating the need for two carriers!

4. indestructibles: i LOVE these books.  i got them as a set from steals.com and i am planning on buying more.  here is their excerpt and basically all the reasons why i love them "Built for the way babies read, Indestructibles are printed on an amazing paperlike material that can’t be ripped, torn, or punctured. Indestructibles are 100 percent safe and nontoxic, and if they get too funky, just throw them in the washing machine or dishwasher. They’re made for baby to hold, grab, chew, pull, and bend, and are designed to create an even more special bond between reader and baby. Printed without words, the parent gets to make up the story, or just cuddle with baby while they explore together"
also one more point I would add, the pictures are beautiful and contain very subtle variations in color across the page, perfect for babies developing vision!

5. tiny love play mat: although i love our play mat, this is just more of a recommendation of "get a play mat."  we started laying A on her back at about six weeks and we have definitely gotten our use out of it.  she used to just lay there and look at the figures, then she started batting at them, and now we just use it as a multipurpose mat: hang teethers from it, use it for tummy time, etc, etc.  it is also very easy to transport so i usually take it with us when we travel.

6. bjorn bibs: we started solids recently and since it is cold here, feeding the baby naked isn't an option yet.  these bibs rock- they catch all the food and are SO easy to wipe clean (since we stained all her bibs in basically a day).  one caveat i will say, they take a little getting used to, i put it on her at every meal but usually about halfway through she has had ENOUGH of it and i take it off.  i am hoping as she gets older and we continue to use it she will get used to it.  i imagine we will use these for a long time.

7. gerber 3 pack sleepers: at six months of age, my child still lives in pajamas half the time, i 
figure hey i am in leggings, she should be comfy too!  these are cheap so you don't have to worry if they get stained and even the snap ones are easy to get back together in the middle of the night.  they do run small though, so keep that in mind when buying sizes.  pajamas are an absolute necessity those first couple months especially.  so always have more than you think you will need.  (also just a recommendation clothes wise, outfits are cute but skip anything with layers those first couple months, your infant is TINY, layers looks so ridiculous on a newborn because there isn't anywhere for the fabric to go, it just bunches)

8. boppy pillow: i bought this for breast feeding and it definitely helped those first couple weeks but i didn't get much use out of it after that.  i had packed it away when my friend suggested to pull it back out now that little A is learning to sit on her own.  since i had just been holding her while she sat and played, this was a turning point!  that little cushion goes around her hips and gives her a balance for either side.  i can now face her and we can place the toys between us.  i am loving the boppy again.

9. IQ baby knock knock blocks: these were a christmas gift and i love them.  there are so many different sensory experiences for baby, including crinkling, different fabric textures, rattles, the list goes on and on.  currently baby loves having her dad and i build towers for her to knock down and chewing on them.  as she gets older i imagine she will enjoy building her own towers and we have used them for a while though as she liked staring at the black and white patterns when she was younger.

10.  soothe and glow seahorse: when she was younger, A would be knocked out by the time we put her in her bed, but probably around 4 months, she would be half awake or in a twilight sleep when we would put her in her crib for bedtime after nursing.  this is a lifesaver.  she will literally start to fuss as i lay her down, i push on that little seahorses tummy and she is MESMERIZED and asleep by the time it goes off.  i put hers on the edge of the crib along the slats so she just turns her head and stares at it.  



whew, ok that was long.  how about you?  what were your favorites for the first six months?  and other mommas out there, any recommendations for the next six months? (especially TEETHING recommendations!!) 

catch up

teething baby and a husband at home has meant lots of family time, not many naps, and not much screen time.  so here is a catch up,

(one) i sold my first etsy order!  hallelujah ptl, doing my happy dance.  i wrote about failure here and although i am still approximately 19003249083429083 orders away from making money, it still feels nice.  in celebration, i am offering a coupon code 10% off any order 10 dollars or more, just use coupon code neworder upon check out!

(two) yes there is still snow on the ground where i live, yes i am bitter about this.  we are below 20 degrees here people.

(three) baby socks are for the birds, enough said.

(four) i think A is having nightmares.  about 45 minutes after we put her to bed we heard panicked crying and when we went into her room she was crying TEARS and looked extremely frightened.  now when she normally is just crying in her crib because she wants to get up there are NO tears.  i really hope she doesn't suffer from night terrors in the future.  it was a terrible feeling.  i nursed her and j read a story and she was right back to sleep for the night, but i felt terrible.

(five) i have sampled two new bakeries this week which has left me a little disappointed actually.  also my sweet tooth is currently out of control.

(six) i added bloglovin since google reader is adios muchachos!  now all you lovies who desperately have wanted to follow me can..! :)

and i am going to link up with ot and et and harvesting kale :) :) :) here's hoping spring will come soon!

cleaning - my house!  i got some MUCH needed cleaning in today and it does a soul good.

planning - for my husband's birthday and A's half birthday!  we have decided to celebrate half birthdays with all of our kid(s) and i LOVE LOVE LOVE birthdays.  surprises await!

planting - nothing, i am lame, there is snow on the ground.  i did buy tulips to cheer myself up though.

skipping - i have been skipping cooking recently and it hasn't felt good.  we have ordered too much take out and been eating too many chips.  i got back in the game today with a crock pot recipe and am hoping that this gets my out of my slump.  sometimes you just don't have ideas and even the simplest of recipes seems too complicated to execute.

wearing - my winter jacket.  again.  still.  ridiculous.

currently

ya'll it's almost spring.  the reason i say almost and not "it's here" is because we currently have snow on the ground.  yes snow, and we had white out conditions yesterday.  of course today it's sunny and beautiful and the snow will probably all melt.... not that i'm complaining.  but it's a good day.

this little beauty cut her first tooth, and you guys... i am going to miss that gummy smile.  i let her know that if she wants to stop growing teeth and just stay gummy i would love her forever anyway.  also the tooth is SHARP, i am talking velociraptor sharp (sp on that dinosaur name??)  also the other day my aunt's asked me if she was teething yet and i said "i have no idea, i thought she was teething at 3 and a half months." seriously, first time parent for the win.  for some reason teething was something i was obsessed with... oooh her nap schedule was off today, she must be teething, oooh she wanted to nurse more often today, teething!  oooh she cried at bedtime... you guessed it teething! 
then the event actually happens and i am blind to it. 

and to celebrate i thought i would do a link up post.  they are fun and i like to document what the haps is currently.  i link up with ot and et and harvesting kale, thanks for sponsoring this!

watching: husband and i have started watching house of cards on netflix.  i really like kevin spacey and i think the show is good.  also it is taking us a long time to get through it because it is drama drama drama/talking talking talking so we can usually only watching one epi at a time.

craving: summer and sunshine.  i thrive in the heat.  100 degree days?  that's cool.  throw it my way.  it's coming though, i can feel it!

looking: halfheartedly for a place to live.  our lease is up somewhat soon (pretty soon) and we have no idea what we are going to do.  denial denial denial!

loving: i am always loving my family so i will also say i am loving the maxi skirt i got from groop dealz soooooooo comfy and i think i look instantly pulled together and it takes me less time to get dressed, win win win!

planning: some trips!  some to see family and some to see friends.  and by planning i mean i think about them, and being away from ohio and wishing they were here.

outfit

remember when i said i ordered the jeggings in sky blue here?  apparently i didn't.  i ordered mint green... 25 and my memory is already failing.  anywaysssssssssssss.  here is an outfit i cooked up.  the sweater i have on is wrinkly from being at the bottom of my drawers...  awesome.  you all i am a little embarrassed to even put this up because let's be honest, i will not be a model ever or a fashion blogger (hello awkward poses and i did NOT do my hair) but i think this is a cute outfit and it is super comfortable for running around in.

i like the mint with the neutrals.  and the pop of blue is actually a teething necklace for my little one.  overall it says spring but i am still mostly covered up since it's actually still just in the 40's here.

sweater: gap years and years ago, i actually need to get a nice sweater to replace this as this one has seen it's last days.  it has been SO versatile though, lightly striped so it is interesting, cashmere blend so it is lightweight but heavy enough to be warm

t-shirt: victorias secret old

jeggings: ebay

shoes: toms

in other news, my little is 5 months old!  i have no idea how that happened.  

i've hesitated sharing pictures of her because of privacy concerns (one reason i deleted my facebook) and i will be watermarking every.single.one of hers because hello, she didn't asked to be put up on the internet.  but sometimes i want to share and she is a HUGE part of my life.  plus she is so dang cute... look at those CHEEKS ya'll.

in other news, it's friday, i've already completed my workout for the day and again, it's friday!  we are low keying it this weekend (is that shocking? it shouldn't be... we've been low keying it since pregnancy...) but i still love having the whole family together.  

and you guys... quick confession... i LOVE honey boo boo

thoughts on motherhood

tomorrow we are going to attempt to give a cereal.  we tried last weekend but girlfriend has a meltdown 2 seconds in due to wanting to nap.  (as her parents we are clearly ALWAYS clued in to what she wants... especially since the "tips" specifically stated... do not attempt when fussy)

since she is nursing, in my thoughts and heart this marks one of the first times that i am no longer enough.  i'm still her mom but she has needs that exist outside of what i can fulfill.  it's very bittersweet.  as a female and a mom there is such a transformation that takes place with having a child.  they go from literally not being able to survive outside of you in the womb, to coming out yet still existing almost as an extension of yourself although the umbilical cord is cut.

but that time is short.  and soon they begin to embrace their own autonomy.  existing solely within and off themselves and not as an extension of you.  i pray that although i gave her life, i will always recognize her independence in living it.

so many moms especially, either live through their kids, try to control the kids life, etc.  and i understand the desire to do so.  it's difficult to resist if you look at your child as an extension of yourself.  but they aren't.  even as a baby, my a has her own personality, temperament  dreams, desires.  they might not be fully manifested yet, but they are there, waiting to be nurtured and cared for.  and so my prayer is for autonomy, both within myself and within my child.

yes, my identity is forever changed by being a mom.  but i can't have it be my only identity.  a deserves a mom that sets an example of independence and passion, that shows her how to live this very short gift of life and that offers her the opportunity to be her own person.  

i will be her parent and so i pray i will offer protection with freedom, independence with love, and advice with a very soft heart that listens more than it speaks.

sleep, or lack thereof

from the beginning, a has always been a good sleeper for us.  as a newborn, yes she was up every 3 hours to eat, but between those feedings?  it was sleep city.  the hospital was actually the roughest part as even though we were supplementing with formula at the time the nursery would always kick her back to us when she was hungry fussy. and we hated keeping her in the cage basket thing that they provided so jim and i were always up.  but once we got home it was smooth sailing.

so currently, little a is at 4.5 months and i am a little bit lost.  i have been loosely following healthy sleep habits, happy child but with my type a personality it was almost doing more harm than good as i was forcing her into a schedule at too young of an age and disrupting the good thing that she naturally had going.  but now... well now we are all over the map.  her bedtime is consistent, 7 pm.  however, recently at 7:45 she has been waking up INCONSOLABLE until i go in and nurse her.  jim and i do practice some CIO methods but we do have our limits, and i am just not able to let 45 minutes of inconsolable crying go by if i can fix it.  20 minutes of crying and then asleep for 8 hours?  that i can do.  but after nursing at 7:45 she then promptly drifts to sleep and i don't hear from her until a feeding.

at three months, she was doing great.  bedtime was between 9-10, one feeding at 4 and then up for the day around 8.

now we are all over the place, sometimes she is up as early as 1 and then 2x more throughout the night, sometimes she has made it till 4:30 without waking up.

and her nap schedule is just as inconsistent.  she is usually laid down for her nap around 9:30, sometimes she is asleep for an hour, sometimes it's 2.5.  i just don't have any way to plan it.

and i'm not sure what is causing it... her ped's gave us the ok to start cereal... will that help?  is it because she is teething?  is she having nightmares?  or are we causing it by giving in so to speak?  is she going to bed too late (the child is seriously sleepy by 6 but if i lay her down to early will that cause her to wake up early?)?

first time parenting is tough.  and i know we will figure it out and it is winter so we don't have a too many things to get outside for... but it is tough to not have a schedule because the kid is losing her shit every time we leave the house because all the sudden she is tired and i had no way of knowing.  i just want to make sure she is getting the sleep she needs and also start her on a consistent schedule to avoid future problems...