failure

you all, confession, i am s-c-a-r-e-d to fail, not just at big stuff, but small things too.  in fact, i have a dangerous tendency to not try at things i could fail at.  if i don't feel that i am capable of doing it perfectly the very first time, sometimes i will sit out or half ass an activity just so i can tell myself i didn't try.  it's the only child ohmygosh if i don't do everything right and one person critisizes me the world will end syndrome.

see i used to work outside of the home.  at a job i h-a-t-e-d.  i am talking come home in tears/fits hated. it was a company that didn't value it's employees and a stressful job.  but i was secure, i was good at it, i could quantify my value with my paycheck, and i wasn't failing.  when baby a came along, my husband kept telling me "we have bank money, take this time to figure out what you WANT to do, don't do something just to do it" and you all... i just didn't get it.  i played around with the idea of waiting tables (but as my husband says my spacial intelligence pretty much amounts to "i'm on earth"... yes i am that clumsy) and working nights would take me away when A could possibly need me most.  and working during the day just isn't an option for our family based on what we want.

during the holiday season, i started making headbands for my little one and my aunt suggested selling them.  so she hooked me up and i have accessories in one of her friends shop and i opened my own etsy shop... in january... and you all i have yet to sell one measly little hair band.  and it is scaring the shit out of me.  i am worried i won't make the money back i invested, won't be able to do something that i enjoy to make money.

but you all... as i sit here typing this... no joke - i am realizing how silly it is.  i didn't invest thousands, i can easily pick up a part time job if i have to. and i still have time... to edit my listings, promote my business.  and even if after this year, it never really takes off and i have sold two items, i can tell myself that i tried and that i tried hard.

i am a girl that follows the rules and it is so hard to push me out of my comfort zone.  my husband made fun of me because he let me try my hand at playing grand theft auto one day and no joke, i stopped at the red lights... he said "the cops don't even pull you over for that in this game."  but you all, life is short, way too short to sit at a job you hate for 40+ hours a week, way to short to spend time with someone who isn't good for you, and way too short to sit out and not try.  i am realizing this and i am trying.