money money monayyyyyyy

when i quit my job, 11/30/12, my husband and i didn't really have plan.  we knew it was important to us for me to not work and stay home and we knew that he alone didn't make enough money.  fortunately, he receives a big bonus in december and that along with our income return kept us going for... well a while.

and now we are here, 9/22/13, and i have insomnia and have had insomnia on/off for weeks.  because we are so so so short on cash.  and instead of just focusing on paying the bills in front of me i am stressing out about credit card debt and trying to buy a house and just getting my freakin car paid off already and "why weren't we smarter for the two years before we had a kid?!:!"  it is so so so hard.  today jim told me that i act like i am at a morgue when we spend money.  and honestly, it's probably true.  i feel like i am suffocating.  like there is an elephant on my chest and it is just all piling up at once.  and i feel like i am in this tunnel and i just can't see the light even though i know it is there, in december, when he gets his next bonus.

and so i am sitting here not sleeping, being stressed about not sleeping because hello i am babysitting every day this week and who knows if my child will nap at the other persons house and who knows what i will accomplish and how much screaming it will be and hello you have a toddler now not a baby who actually demands your full attention ALL THE TIME because she is constantly trying to climb the stairs, open cupboards, PUT DOG TOYS IN HER MOUTH, REACH IN THE TOILET WHILE YOU TRY TO PUT ON MASCARA.  and it's just a lot ya'll.  i feel like panicking but there is no where to go and oh my god that makes it sound so depressing.  because i love being a stay at home mom and i love my family.  but i just want this money thing under control and i don't know what the answer is.

i know we can make it two months, in my head i know this.  i know we will be fine, but physicallly i don't know what is going on.  i just can't get it to compute.  this stage in life is so hard and overwhelming and wonderful.  i know it doesn't get simpler, i don't need it simpler i just need it a little easier.  i need my mind to shut down and rest.

all summer, the baby was waking up multiple times at night, usually 5-8, and during this time, i have never know exhaustion like i did then.  it was terrible, looking back on it i have no idea how i survived.  and yet this is so much worse, this sensation where you can feel your mind starting to race at 9, knowing that it isn't going to shut down and power off.  knowing that you will be awake and alone.  knowing that you are facing another week.

i was hoping writing would help, maybe it will.  i guess you don't know unless you try.