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Showing posts from July, 2016

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

hold with high respect and a loose grip

when my whole family was alive, i had a contingency plan.  i don't know if it was just leftover fear from my mom passing away when i was so young, but i knew, if i ever lost all my family and i was the sole survivor i would sell everything, move, and spend a year training for an ironman.  i knew that type of mental and physical dedication would be the only thing able to save me after that type of trauma.

in a way, it's almost more difficult this way.  i am left badly wounded but also with responsibility.  only half my family is gone, the other two are still extremely dependent on me.  i am reading No Mud, No Lotus which is by a buddhist monk.  These are people that practice asceticism, no indulgences.  Most of us look at that and think "geez, that'd be tough, to have nothing" but in a way it is extremely freeing.  Most if not all of our fear, comes from attachments, to our possessions, to our family.  It is easy to be happy if your only attachment is to yourself.…

tough love.

i was moping the other day.  just you know, generally complaining about my circumstances and life.  my dad looked at me and goes "you got that bird tattooed on your chest- live up to it"

this is why i have the coping skills i do.  because ultimately, our circumstances are beyond our control, but our thought process is in our control.  my present circumstances blow.  but my life does not blow and i still have a lot of miracles.  this refinement through suffering is tough, but it is not my life and more than that it is not me.  i am not my suffering.  sometimes it feels like i am, it's a constant fight to just break through.  break through.

this life is weird.  it's so fragile and difficult and unwieldy.  there are nuances and layers and intricacies that lay far beyond our control or understanding or thought.  it doesn't take much to realize our shortcomings with intelligent thought.  a misunderstood fight, a tragedy, we suddenly realize we don't know as much a…

6 years

six years ago today, we met.  i showed up, looking like hell, saw your face and thought to myself "well... you should have dressed better"

six years ago today you caught sight of me for the first time.  i never got sick of hearing it from your perspective.  i remember when we were first together, i would lay on your chest and ask you to tell me it from your side.

six years ago today we sparked.  we spent five and a half years burning strong before being put out.

half the time i'm so mad at you.  as someone who literally never struggled with anger or physical violence in her life it's a strange sensation to just want to punch walls throughout the day.  you left me with so much weight.  the weight of now being the only one who knows what our daughter meant to us as her parents, the weight of that loss being carried day in, day out for eternity.  do you KNOW WHAT LOSING HER MEANT TO ME?  how it ripped my soul in two?  i can't even think about her without being ove…