Getting there

It's so odd these little memories that pop into your head as you get older.  For me especially, I have a lot of nostalgia about my time in college.  Although it had many growing pains, it was the first time outside of childhood I can remember being happy.  Anyways, although I still listen to a lot of similar things as college a lot of the specific music I listened to back then (death cab for cutie, Damien rice, iron and wine, sufjan stevens) I haven't listened to in a while.

Well, I've been rediscovering a lot of these old music faves and it's been a nice little jog down memory lane while still remaining in the present.  Sufjan just released an album that came out of his mothers death and it is the most raw and touching piece of work I have heard in years.  Losing someone profound in your life changes you forever.  It's like this unspoken language- an unspoken heartache- hearing someone put it to words was so incredibly helpful for me.  Highly highly recommend.

Another little gem that popped into my head was Coconut Records.  Did you listen to him? It was Jason Schwartans solo project.  Just catchy little poppy indie tunes.  "West Coast" remains my personal favorite but they are honestly all solid.

Time is a tricky mistress, is it not.  As I near thirty, I am becoming aware of my own mortality in a new way.  Just, you know settling into the beginning of the middle of my life.  It's an odd feeling.  I just try to remind myself- there's always room to start over before I feel too melancholy and pathetic (not that I am unhappy it just feels weird to be at the end of beginnings).

Ok go enjoy the weekend and hopefully the sun!!

Holy cannoli

Addy and I have this thing whenever she finishes something she always wants me to say "holy cannoli you ate all your(fill in the blank) green beans, peaches, etc.  I am 100% positive this is only funny to me as her mother but her face is priceless.

Almost three is starting to get really good, she makes jokes and is getting that little kid kookiness to her.  I mean, honestly guys, kids are just weird- they are!  Today we were cuddling and she goes "when boys chase girls, they grunt" I said "who told you that" and she goes "noooo, I told you that!"

Also today "Laney will be the prince and I'll be the princess"
"Who's mommy?"
"The queen"
"Who's daddy?"
"The fairy"

Things are good.  We are settling into our house and while there are a million projects to do, shit gets expensive quickly- so most are on the back burner indefinitely.  The two major things I am hoping for by next year are a new dishwasher and a fence.  My biggest pet peeve is our floors, comprised mainly of old carpeting and ceramic tile.  You guys- I looooathe tile.  I think it is impossible to keep clean with kids and dogs and the grout always looks gross and they didn't seal it properly.  Ugh, shudder.

Have you guys used ThredUp? I just threw my hat in the ring with them the other day.  While I think their normal prices are a bit steep for used clothing, a 40% coupon helped take the sting out a bit.  I dont think I would shop their normal prices though because honestly when the stores are running really good sales (gap just did a crazy one) the prices are almost equal.  I'll let you know what I think when I get my stuff.

I don't really have a way to wind this up.  I am still fully entrenched in summer so I refuse to write about anything coming up in the fall yet.

July July

July is a somewhat busy month for us and while I have lots swirling around, these are things that are on my mind or that I am loving right now.

THESE sippy cups.  magic, pure magic, Lane can drink out of one at nine months, they are easy to wash, and just function better.  A never really got the typical sippy cups (I think because she didn't take a bottle) she only learned straws.  Anyways, I love these, they are great for juices in the family room, etc. and I really feel they help speed the development of drinking from "normal" cups

Marathon training- guys, it's tiring and long.  I did one 14.25 mile run which broke my record for longest run.  but two kids, running the house, training - it's a lot.  I am averaging 2-3 week runs and a long Saturday run.  I feel like I am staying on top of it for the most part but, some days I am tired.  Also runners- shoe suggestions?  I want to try the Nike Flyknit.  Here are my issues - the top half of my foot will go numb a couple miles in wearing the wrong shoe but I am also having heel pain so I need more cushion than before.  I have tried so so so many different pairs of shoes.... so anyways, let me know if there was a magic pair for you guys out there.

Potty training- blow me.

It hasn't really felt like summer yet, we've basically had rain and have been struggling to reach 70 so I am ready for warmer weather and all that jazz, I am hoping the fourth of July brings the heat.

okay, my floors are filthy, literally, so I am gonna go wash them with the precious few seconds of naptime I have left.

what i don't want to forget

"will you lay with me for a little bit.... over here so you don't lay on any stuffies"

addy says.

why i run

"We are different, in essence, from other men. If you want to win something, run 100 meters. If you want to experience something, run a marathon."
- Emil Zatopek, Czech runner, winner of four Olympic gold medals

In high school, I ran track one season (sophomore year)- I actually managed to letter but didn't stay with it.  I convinced myself it wasn't worth my time, the other girls were better than me, etc. etc.  During college, I gained some weight (whose with me!) worked out off and on.  During my final year of college I weighted about 185ish (I'm 5'10) and wasn't really on the whole work out train.  I also struggled with bulimia my senior year of high school and senior year of college. 

The year after graduating was difficult.  I felt lost and out of place.  It was such an adjustment to be working all day every day in a field I hated (customer service thank you very much!).  Our economy had just crashed and it was a pretty bleak place.  I started drinking, a lot.  Thanks to going to a private, Christian college my party years had been delayed (I think it comes for everyone at some point).  So much of life are these difficult adjustments that we have to make.  I went from an environment where everything was handed to you in a bubble - friends- pick from these groups! classes, pick from these, extracurriculars- do what you want! to this wide open field with no close friends near by (at the time) and just day in day out punching a clock.

So anyways, drinking, loved it, was great at it, suck at it now.  I did start to lose a significant amount of my college weight during this time (surprisingly).  Being on a set schedule and set meal times can have that affect.  Anyways, at some point, I get it in my head that I am going to run a half marathon in the spring.  I think I signed up in January, paid the fee and started in blind in my training.  Keep in mind, I am still doing great at drinking.  My Saturdays would look like this:

wake up (slightly hungover)
go for a long run at some point
pound five advil
drink my dinner/party all night.

I lived with my best friend and we also had gym memberships, so during the week, I would hit the gym usually a couple nights a week as well.  Winter in my area is not kind, so the majority of my training was done in about two months.  May rolled around and I went to my first marathon - completely alone.  My best friend had to work, my parents were out of town on vacation and my other friends were busy.  I woke up at 4:45, got ready, drove myself downtown, freaked out because the garage I was going to park in was sectioned off for the race, found street parking and went downtown.  I checked my bags and looked at all the people warming up (which by the way people, running before the marathon, I still think you are crazy- the marathon IS THE RACE people, save it!). 

It wasn't until the start line thought, standing smooshed together in this bubbling mass of people, everyone chattering or listening to music, focusing.  It is one of the few times where I will say one can literally taste the anticipation.  There is a hunger in the air.  Everyone is ready.  My first start was electric.  People ripping off excess clothing and throwing it into the street, onlookers milling about shouting congratulations.  The race starts and collective whoops are moving through the crowd.  We are ready.

It was hard to finish, at about mile seven, I was really worn out and sore, but I pushed through and finished in 2:15:something seconds.  At the end of the race, I remember feeling really lonely.  I walked along for a while, cooling down, ate the banana, fingered my medal.  It was so strange to have something so big accomplished and not have anyone there.  I walked back to my car and drove myself home and promptly fell asleep until my roommate got home and we went out together for some much deserved food.

That race changed me though, mentally, physically.  I became aware of how tough I truly was, and how great I truly could be if I tried.  It was a huge task to accomplish, much less to do it as a borderline drunk.  I knew then that I could try to tell myself otherwise, but I was a runner, I need it in a very definitive and tangible way.

My life has changed significantly since then.  I rarely overindulge (not worth it once you have kids waking you up at the ass crack of dawn), I'm married, I don't work at that job anymore.  Life in unflinching in the onslaught of change that it brings our way.  Running doesn't change though.  Lacing up, tugging on my shorts, adjusting my earphones, grabbing the spare key, breathing the first breathe of air.  It is constant, an unmoving mountain in which to rest while life changes around me.  Running doesn't change, but it changes me.  It fills me with peace, it gives me a spiritual rest that my soul longs for in this world, it connects my feet with the soil and the earth and the woods.  My body leans into nature when I run, drawing strength from the energy beneath my feet.  I never feel more spiritually awakened, more at peace, then when I am out running.

Running has given me the confidence to bloom, right where I am.

Being a mom without having mine

this was a post originally published on the now defunct blog - wifessionals.  I never posted it here so I thought I would share.  Last night, for the first time, Addy asked me about "mommy's mommy" - if she could come visit, where her house was, if we could go see her house, etc.  You guys, it was like a punch to the gut.  The thing about these losses that we suffer, it doesn't really get easier.  The adage "time heals all wounds"?  not true.  we learn to live with them, so that they don't swallow our entire lives, which is good and needed.  because life deserve to be lived.  yet, every once in a while we see the loss for what it is- gut wrenching, soul numbing, blackness.

In case you were wondering how we handled it. I simply said that grandma couldn't visit because she lived too far away.  I know that Addy didn't really know what she was asking and I am certainly not in a position to lay down concrete views of heaven on a two year old.

Happy Friday everyone!  First of all thanks to Kaitlyn for letting me share my story.  It is something that while obviously close to my heart, I have wanted to share as I know other people out there are going through a possibly similar situation and the grief that I experienced in this new phase of life is something that caught me completely off guard.  Okay now that that's out of the way, my name is Bria, I am a stay at home mom of one and a half (the second is baking!) and married to Jim.  I blog infrequently and informally at Wiggle Life and would love it if any of you stopped by and said hello!

My mom passed away when I was eight from breast cancer.  I was an only child due to the hysterectomy and double mastectomy she underwent at the diagnosis of the disease, when I was one.  At the time, one of my most vivid memories is everyone telling me how young I was to lose my mom.  Having only a child's perspective at the time and up until that point having had my entire life with her, I remember thinking "I'm not young, I'm eight! We had lots of time together!"

However, as the years passed, I began to realize how much we were going to miss out on together: school dances, prom, graduation, first night at college, first boyfriend.  These realizations hurt and so I mostly stayed away from or "redid" typical mother-daughter things.  The biggest example that comes to mind would be my wedding, my wedding was planned in 40 days and I got my dress off of Ebay, rather than face shopping without her.  Looking back, I'm not sure if I was really aware that I was avoiding the typical mother-daughter things or just thought I was "forging my own way."  My grief for my mom, while still present, had subsided with time and stayed mostly in the back of my mind and heart.

Then, when I was twenty-five my daughter was born and with it, my grief was reborn.

All of the sudden, I understood the bond my most must have felt for me and how difficult it was for her to be sick.  All of a sudden, I realized the disease from her perspective (as much as I can).  All of a sudden, I realized just what growing up without a mom robs you of, and it hurt like hell. 

I was also grieving in a very fresh way.  I was grieving as a mother.  In my heart, I know only a small fear when I think of leaving my daughter; my mom faced it as a reality.  In my heart, I have years and years with my child; my mom was given months.  In my body, I feel the aches of too little sleep and too much toddler mania; my mom knew a body riddled with cancer while still trying to parent.  I understood as best I can without her here a small fraction of the pain that she must have felt and it broke my heart.

There is other grief, my charming toddler will never get to make her grandma laugh.  I will never have my mom know me as a mother.  We won't have a family picture taken together marked "3 Generations".  However, my biggest sadness is just feeling this hole, day in and day out, in my heart and knowing that on earth, it will never be fully healed.

 Even through my sadness and new understanding though, being a mom has given me the strength to move through my grief in a new way.  Some of my memories of growing up seem a little clearer as I go through similar situations, I was also able to read the journals my mom had written about her illness for the first time.  Knowing the strength my mother had in her life has given me strength to be the best possible mother in mine. 

I am due October 8th with our second child and while I am sad that this will be yet another milestone we will not share, the greatest joy I have is knowing that my mom would be proud of me.  I carry that knowledge and the love I know she had for me around with me every day.  There is not one part of me that doubts the involvement she would have in my children's life if she were here and while we will never experience togetherness again on the earth, I will do my best to honor her as a mother through my journey every day.    

If any of you have ever experienced anything similar to just want to talk, please feel free to email me at


I am putting off painting, so much freaking painting.  just imagine a 2000 square foot house and everything that can be painted NEEDS painted, except one glorious room, the living room, which they already had painted white.  anyways, we are finishing up the kitchen and family room and you guys, I am getting to that "what day is it, I need nutrients, I am stressed" kind of point.  so anyways, break!

watching: jim and I are still going through Gilmore girls! and bah bah bah! the last episode we watched Schmidt from new girl was in it!  I love finding new characters on old tv shows!

 dealing: out the time outs.  seriously, also I feel like, I wished these work... but they don't.  enough said

losing: the drama.  I was so pumped when we moved because about a month after I moved in I met this lady at the park who was also a runner and I started running with them on Saturdays.  It was nice to have accountability and a weekly "friendish" date.  the last time I ran with them though she was subtly (not so subtly) slamming me the whole time.  whatever, aint nobody got time for that, surround yourself with light people! so I let her know, won't be running with them anymore! also, can I just say that as an adult, it ALWAYS CATCHES ME OFF GUARD WHEN GROWN WOMEN ACT LIKE THEY ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL! ALWAYS! 

dreaming: not much, all dreams are on hold while I get this house into shape, but seriously.  maybe the house is my dream!

committing: to myself, it feels good.  I never thought I would be the type of person to be chirping "just get up at 6am and do it!" but damn, it feels good to be out doing something exclusively for me. and bonus-  even if I do nothing the rest of the day, I still feel productive.

what are you up to this week?

settling in.

we have lived in our house for about two months and although the honey do list grows.  we are slowly but surely settling in.

like most big moves in life, you prepare yourself for what you think will be hard (moving, finances, styling decisions, etc.) but life always throws your curve balls.  personally, I was quite unprepared for just how emotionally overwhelmed I would be in moving.  Outside of all the other stresses, just being in this big(ger) house, with my kids, analyzing the decision.  It was a LOT.  Plus unless you build new construction, it almost feels like you are moving into someone elses life.  It's definitely a different feeling, you own it, but it doesn't feel like yours.  Completely different from how I felt renting houses in the past.

That being said, things are clipping along at a nice place.  We've made pretty much all our paint decisions, made some hard decisions (delaying a fence installation till next year because the money, it does not grow on trees) and have our flooring picked out although the purchasing will be delayed most likely until over the winter.  We painted our shutters, front door, and porch trim black and did our mulch, we still have to paint the back shutters and garage door.

The kids, for the most part have been stars.  Let's be honest, Lane just sleeps, and while there are times Addy is acting out, she is usually one to roll with the punches.  It's been good.  We are settling in, dreaming big, and I am so so thankful for the community that we purchased our home in.  We went to the Memorial day parade over the weekend and my husband ran into a buddy from high school (we moved back to his hometown).  He had such a great and unique high school experience, they were all so close and the town has remained so for the most part. 

I went to a private school and while it worked out ok, I would never send my kids to one unless I had to for education reasons (ie. we were in a terrible school district and their futures would be better) you lose so much community and a sense of belonging.  All of my friends lived far away, I spent a lot of high school very lonely because parents don't want to drive me 45 minutes one way to hang out.  I didn't know any kids in my town and so the community events that normal high schoolers went to, I sat out.  Looking back, I wish I would have made the decision to attend public school (it was my choice but highly encouraged I stay in private) but, such is life.

To make extra money, I have also been busy selling things on ebay.  Not only our old stuff (now I wish I wouldn't have given away all that stuff before we moved!) but re-selling garage sale finds.  I found one house that had a bunch of like new babyGap toddler clothes.  I bought the bin, fished out what I wanted for Addy and have been re-selling the rest.  We have also been garage-saleing quite a bit and while we need to cut back on the spending, we have made some great finds.  (I got natural bamboo blinds for $1 per blind! WTF! SCORE!)

Life has been a good balance, for the most part.  Busy but full of family time.  Work hard, play hard.

Also I have started marathon training! YES! BRING IT ON!

Mothers Day

If this day is hard for you in any capacity. If you've lost a child or your mom, or you can't become a mom.  Just know there are people out there thinking of you today in the midst of everything.  In the happy faces, and pretty dresses, and flowers.  Someone out there is thinking of you and knows you are hurting.  We will get through it and tomorrow will be a new day.  

daily life.

it didn't really take us too long to fall into a schedule after nugget was born.  mostly because he fell into one naturally and while it has morphed some over the months.  this is where we are at now.  with addy at 2.5 and nugget at 7 months on sunday.  it's a good place to be, a precious place in life and while we are still dealing with night wake ups most nights from one or both of them... most of the time we are getting sleep (hallelujah!)

5-6 am: nurse nugget and lay him back down to sleep.  he now sleeps through the night
6:30 -7:15 get up with addy.  she is in our bed at this point usually coming in around 5 or 6 when she hears nugget wake up. we get up, I get coffee, she gets some sort of "breakfast" and she usually plays
7:45-8:30 nugget wakes up for the  day in here sometime and I get him changed and fed breakfast, daddy leaves for work at 8:30

if we are leaving for the day, we usually try to make it out of the house by ten, but the earlier the better.  I try to get ready before lane wakes up so all I have to do is get addy ready, get lane ready, get the diaper bag, get the dogs taken care of, etc etc (!LOL!) lane takes his nap somewhere between 8:30 and 9:30ish. 

addy and I spend our mornings playing, running errands, or a combination of both.  her favorite places are the library and parks.  but if we stay home, the sand box is a current favorite.  she has been loving a lot of books recently and we've been reading the llama llama, duck to the rescue, etc.

jim comes home from lunch around noon which breaks up the day! we usually have a sandwich and a side.  addy eats everything plain (ie not a sandwich) as she has decided she doesn't like sandwiches.  I usually try to get lane fed here too.

1 pm: NAPTIME! I usually try to accomplish whatever I am up to (usually a house project) nuggies afternoon nap isn't as long as his morning one so he is usually the one that gets me first and we have some one on one time together.

3: wake up.  addy is a grumpy waker so it usualy takes 15-20 minutes of snacking, reading, etc before she is ready to go.

afternoon we have some play time and have started venturing out for errands as well.  there's a nice little pocket before traffic gets terrible, but I usually try to stay home.

5:30 daddy's home! everyone do the happy dance.  depending on how long lane has been up he is ready for bed now or by six.  we throw in dinner around here too.

after dinner lane is asleep and addy and daddy usually play, I clean up dinner and sometimes get the dogs out for a quick walk before addy's bedtime routine

7:30-8 we put addy down for bed. she is usually asleep before nine (that girl!) but talks to herself for a long time.

jim and I hang out, sometimes we work on project separately.  I try to be in bed around 10:30.  so that's where we are at. 

I am going to be so glad I wrote this out in the future.  I love my days right now with the two kids.  it's warming up and it's so nice to be outside and enjoying the sun.

have a great weekend!!!

i know, i know.

there has been a lot going on this week (months really).  I have been processing and figuring out what I want to do.  I've had a job offer that I had to mull over and (separately) was debating trying to reenter the work force.  Staying at home, at times, is difficult.  There are so many issues to overcome just as a female in this world.  At times, my pride wants me to earn an income, my being wants to interact with adults, in an adult setting, and I grow weary and tired of being at home.

In today's society in general, it can be difficult to truly flesh out what we want.  When there are a hundred different options flashing in your face at all times, the grass tends to look greener.   But wherever you go, there you are.  I think what really brought this home for me was moving.  My husband and I closed on our house in March.  I thought this would solve all my problems, - how could I be discontent when I got the house I wanted?  Yet, the dissatisfaction still lingered.  It crept up within me like an itch you can't quite get rid off.  So the other night, I knew there would be no sleep in the cards for me, and I finally just sat with myself and the discontent, the knowledge about what my family needs right now, and what the future looks like for us. 

So - blogging is back on the plate.  I am lucky enough to have a rare opportunity to seek out my passions and that is what I am going to be looking to do.  I love the blogging community and truly want to connect and write.  So that is what I will do - it might be a couple posts a week, or once a month but they will all be written from my heart and not in an effort to gain readership or sponsored posts. 

If I could wish one thing for myself, its that I could enter a season of true contentment within my life and myself.  So often, my discontent with myself seeps into my life and leaves me feeling hollow.  I am ready to leave this behind and enter a new season.  So everyone with me now, wherever you go- there you are.

Addy at 2.5

Me: what do you want for breakfast
Her: I need fruitons! (Croutons)
Me: no, we can't have croutons for breakfast
Her: why am I mad?
Me: why are you mad?
Her: because you don't love me

At 2.5 years, my little is learning so much.  And at times, it overwhelms me.  Her fierce spirit frightens my timid nature and overwhelms my sensitive soul.  She is so sensitive too though, a combination of both my husband and I to her core.  Her emotions are intensely felt and she is before my eyes transforming into a child and leaving toddlerhood behind.  So I am taking a page from her book, following my dream and hopefully setting an example I would be proud to have her follow.

Sound cryptic? Could be because I am typing this out instead of sleeping.  There will be more to come.  I just read this post though from Kelle, and God I hope I have the guts to live that example.  Addy, at 2.5 you have taught me more than all that has come before you.  Here is to being you.