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Showing posts from September, 2016

homeless.

homes are interesting.  in america we put so much emphasis, even turning into a job title "homemaker."  and it's not a bad thing.  for me it immediately draws the opposite correlation of people in other countries whose homes are huts and what it means to them.  but that is neither here nor there and not what i was intending for tonight.


tomorrow marks five weeks since we started packing our stuff up and almost three weeks that we've been down here without the majority of our belongings.  tomorrow i will unpack.  my coffee mugs, my coffee maker, my blankets and pillows and throws.  my kids toys and stuffs, our pots and pans.  for me, being without the majority of my stuff in combination with also not having a home has been... more trying than i expected.  this is the first time in my life i have experienced homelessness.*

my house in ohio is packed up and ready to sell.  the rooms are empty, i imagine them forlorn, i'm not sure if that's the case.  i hope whoe…

live in the same building, but we got different views.

in the peaks of community isolation exists.

you know what i do when i see a homeless person standing by the side of the road?  I ignore it, stare straight ahead, pretend I don't see them.  I DON'T ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PAIN.  this has been on my mind a lot recently, probably because i know what it feels like when others refuse to acknowledge the scars you have and it blows.  
i saw a post on Facebook about putting together bags, just a glad ziploc with socks, soap, toothbrush, maybe a granola bar and a bottled water.  keep 4-5 in your car and when you see a person on the side of the road, hand them a bag.  you're prepared, you know they need the items, and it probably cost you like five bucks.  i plan on doing this tomorrow.  just getting the items, having them ready.  knowing that it's not ok to ignore pain.  
i share that not to say look at what i'm doing but more so, look at how ignorant we can be even in the midst of great suffering.  if you aren't suffering at…

sometimes you're just sad.

there is a weight i carry, all the time.  sometimes i feel it more than others.  sometimes you just come home, wash your face and cry.  you think about the fact that you are in raleigh, out with people who you wouldn't have met otherwise and cry.


for me arriving here was this weird fruition.  although i would have never consciously made the sacrifices necessary to get me here, arriving here has been the completion of a dream.  a dream that i had outside of jim, outside of being a mom, just a bria dream.  and i achieved it, this whole week i have had this sense of accomplishment.  it was then that it struck me, i accomplished something i set out to do just for myself.

this life is so weird.  nothing lasts forever, no pain, no happiness.  you must always have one fist closed and one open.  there is no give without take.  you have a baby, but sacrifice freedom, you give up love, and gain energy for yourself.  a dichotomy never existing within but only without.

things fell into place…

inaugural

as i put very literal miles between myself and the pain of ohio, i took a deep breath.  i actually did most of the driving coming down, it wasn't intentional, but it was healing.  about halfway down i felt my chest physically relax, i thought about my daughter and my husband and realized over again that leaving the shadows doesn't mean leaving them.  i felt free.

the American Psychiatric Association compares surviving suicide to surviving a traumatic event, on par with concentration camp survival, bomb survival, etc.  the aftermath of living in that house was necessary for a time because i needed time to gain the strength to say goodbye, but it was very much putting myself in a prison.

i am in a season of pruning and my life just got cut back hard.  it's not the most fun i've ever encountered, watching shit blow up as i am powerless to do anything.  but the blooming that comes after a hard prune is incredible.  things are only made by their opposites, comfort does no…
nine years.  i have tried to leave ohio for nine years.

this weekend it becomes a reality.  no longer an ohio resident.
it breaks my heart a little, this split in my life.  what i had vs what will be.  for a long time i thought i would have both.  jim and i had talked multiple times about leaving, it just never worked out.  doors always shut that needed to be opened.  same for me when i was single.  i spent the first six months of my senior year of college applying exclusively to out of state jobs.


there is this tendency, i think, in widowhood, to feel guilty.  every time we make a change, especially one that would not be possible if still married, we second guess.  wait? did i want this to happen- did my subconscious somehow confirm what i wanted.

the reality is all your choices change after widowhood.  who i was with jim is gone forever.  one never walks through fire unchanged.  it is odd to see myself change so much in such a short amount of time.  of course i am in the biggest i…

everywhere i go.

everywhere i go i take them with me.  this ache that will never quite subside, it will always be felt.  what i hear so often is that i am strong but it's funny because i think the people who are strong are the ones who aren't afraid of my pain, who don't mind being scarred with me because the fire affects them too.

i remember there was a popular blogger who lost her four year old son in a tragic accident maybe two years ago?  i remember being horrified by it and literally thinking to myself "well... won't be reading that for a while"

sometimes the most difficult thing in the world is to watch those close to you suffer.  i write so much about being alone and feeling alone.  but there have been many who have chosen to stand in the fire with me, many who show up and show up even when i don't call back right away, even when i am spacey and overwhelmed by my text messages and don't respond back.

by leaving ohio, i am leaving a lot.  i am going to a tribe …