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sometimes you're just sad.

there is a weight i carry, all the time.  sometimes i feel it more than others.  sometimes you just come home, wash your face and cry.  you think about the fact that you are in raleigh, out with people who you wouldn't have met otherwise and cry.


for me arriving here was this weird fruition.  although i would have never consciously made the sacrifices necessary to get me here, arriving here has been the completion of a dream.  a dream that i had outside of jim, outside of being a mom, just a bria dream.  and i achieved it, this whole week i have had this sense of accomplishment.  it was then that it struck me, i accomplished something i set out to do just for myself.

this life is so weird.  nothing lasts forever, no pain, no happiness.  you must always have one fist closed and one open.  there is no give without take.  you have a baby, but sacrifice freedom, you give up love, and gain energy for yourself.  a dichotomy never existing within but only without.

things fell into place this week in ways i can't explain.  i'll never forget right after jim died someone posted a Facebook update about how God helped them get patio furniture cheap.  and i was just sitting there like "yeah God must've been phoning it on the day my daughter died and you know every day a kid gets diagnosed with cancer, but yeah the creator of this universe, of dark matter and stars and other planets GOT YOU YOUR PATIO FURNITURE ON THE CHEAP! CAUSE HE REALLY CARES" and i hate that in a huge way, obviously evidenced by my choice of all capital letters.  because if God is who is proclaimed in the Bible, if a being out there created everything including this whole vast universe we can't even see, i just really don't think he cares about your furniture.  and so then i have this flip side where i can see things aligning in my life and half of me wants to sit there and be like "this is God!" but i wonder, why intervene in some and not others, and does the fact that things align now necessarily mean causation, did elly have to die for this to happen.

that's what my tiny, human brain struggles with the most.  not drawing lines of causation where there are none.  i just hope, i hope when i die that all my questions are so meaningless, the ramblings of a spoiled child who didn't get her way.  i hope we aren't nearly as intelligent as we think we are.  and what i hope for the most is that i get to hold my daughter.
and i even hope that he did help you get your patio furniture on the cheap.
because honestly what i hope for is that if it matters to us it matters to Him.

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that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
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THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

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