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sometimes you're just sad.

there is a weight i carry, all the time.  sometimes i feel it more than others.  sometimes you just come home, wash your face and cry.  you think about the fact that you are in raleigh, out with people who you wouldn't have met otherwise and cry.


for me arriving here was this weird fruition.  although i would have never consciously made the sacrifices necessary to get me here, arriving here has been the completion of a dream.  a dream that i had outside of jim, outside of being a mom, just a bria dream.  and i achieved it, this whole week i have had this sense of accomplishment.  it was then that it struck me, i accomplished something i set out to do just for myself.

this life is so weird.  nothing lasts forever, no pain, no happiness.  you must always have one fist closed and one open.  there is no give without take.  you have a baby, but sacrifice freedom, you give up love, and gain energy for yourself.  a dichotomy never existing within but only without.

things fell into place this week in ways i can't explain.  i'll never forget right after jim died someone posted a Facebook update about how God helped them get patio furniture cheap.  and i was just sitting there like "yeah God must've been phoning it on the day my daughter died and you know every day a kid gets diagnosed with cancer, but yeah the creator of this universe, of dark matter and stars and other planets GOT YOU YOUR PATIO FURNITURE ON THE CHEAP! CAUSE HE REALLY CARES" and i hate that in a huge way, obviously evidenced by my choice of all capital letters.  because if God is who is proclaimed in the Bible, if a being out there created everything including this whole vast universe we can't even see, i just really don't think he cares about your furniture.  and so then i have this flip side where i can see things aligning in my life and half of me wants to sit there and be like "this is God!" but i wonder, why intervene in some and not others, and does the fact that things align now necessarily mean causation, did elly have to die for this to happen.

that's what my tiny, human brain struggles with the most.  not drawing lines of causation where there are none.  i just hope, i hope when i die that all my questions are so meaningless, the ramblings of a spoiled child who didn't get her way.  i hope we aren't nearly as intelligent as we think we are.  and what i hope for the most is that i get to hold my daughter.
and i even hope that he did help you get your patio furniture on the cheap.
because honestly what i hope for is that if it matters to us it matters to Him.

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i watched a video that my iPhone made, a video of 2016.  and it had just all of these beautiful and painful moments just wrapped into this four minute video.

the depth of my pain this year has been, at times, unbearable to the point where i wished for death.

but i saw so much smiling in those videos.  so many sweet moments and so many memories that happened when i was in a fog that felt all encompassing.



this year i felt the church's love in a way i have never before felt
this year i was able to take my kids on a disney cruise because of my co-workers at carters and the fundraiser they did for me
this year i was able to move because people came and packed and loaded me and helped with the cost of moving
this year my kids had a play set built for them while they were in another state
this year we imposed on people over and over again with our loud, yelling and crying little family of three
this year my daughter made beautiful friendships because people weren't afraid to reach …