ain't over till it's over baby.

I have seen a lot of "summer is ending!" "fall is here" posts.  While I am normally one of the first to jump on the fall bandwagon... this year I am sitting it out.  I am still in tank tops, soaking up the sun, still half-assing it with meals because "who wants to eat when it's 90 degrees out? let's have cereal." and still fully in the summer mind. 

For those with older kids, I know some schools started this week and are definitely starting by next week.  For my husband and I though, he took his vacation late (it will start this Friday after work!) and this is my last week nannying.  In that spirit, I am fully soaking up these last few weeks of our summer, an in between season if you will. 

Staying present in the moments that will wind up being our last as a family of three, paying attention to the new things my daughter is doing/saying every day, soaking up the last of the warm warm days before the cool air sets in (although, at least in Ohio, it's been a cool summer and we have already had some very fallish days), enjoying the parks, zoo, and ice cream places now that they aren't as crowded.  And of course nesting, I am in full blown nesting craziness over here.  Shampooing carpets, cleaning the basements out, wanting to bake bake bake.  In truth though, I don't know when he will arrive.  In my mind, we are in fair game territory.  So really these last few moments before I meet him read like the end of a very, very good book.  They might make you a little mournful, but you are better having read it. 

The next couple months hold exciting things and while I will embrace fall when it arrives... sweet summer, stay a little longer.

what being a mom has taught me about perfectionism

I am (was?) a bit of a perfectionist.  I think this title can mean a lot of different things to different people.  While I definitely wasn't the straight A's in school, leader of the cheer squad kind of perfect, I struggled with it in a different way. 

I never ever allowed myself to fail.

Can you see where this is going?  If I thought there was a chance at failure of something... I would sit it out.  I quit all sorts of things, horseback riding, karate, track.  While, given my coordination, I don't think I would have ever been a black belt, looking back I really wish I would have stuck with track.  I love running now and think my high school years could have been a lot more enjoyable had I had an outlet where I had fun, was physically active, and had some friends.  (that's a bit of a rabbit trail though).

The funny thing about being a mother is, you constantly fail, so just throw those ideas of perfect out the window at the beginning.  There have been times when I have found myself telling Jim how much I wish I could be a perfect mom and he always responds with "she doesn't need perfect, perfect is boring, she needs you."  I think the quote by Jill Churchill sums it up nicely:

"There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."

The other flip side to motherhood?  There is no quitting.  No escape route, no "well, I tried but I just don't seem cut out for it." Once you are a mom... well better put on your big girl pants cause you aren't getting out of it.  So every day, I have to learn grace, grace for my daughter and grace for myself.  I will yell, I will lose it, I get frustrated and angry, AND that's ok.

I still have worth as a mother, she still needs ME above everyone else.  The biggest failure would be to dwell on these moments.  To not treat them as they deserve to be treated: as a learning experience, yes, but a fleeting moment that has no bearing on how my daughter feels about me or how I feel about her, for that matter. 

By allowing myself to not be perfect, I am also giving Adelynn the opportunity to be failed by people and still allow them grace and love.  In doing so, she will also learn that is ok for her to fail and that she will still be loved.  What a wonderful opportunity for her to have the freedom and courage to embrace her imperfections and go after her dreams - no matter what they may be.  Such truth in knowing - it's ok to fail.

It's ok to go after dreams and have them lost, to know we will get angry and upset, to know that we fill fail the ones we love the most.  To remain in the truth, that in the midst of failure, we are still of worth and still valuable.

and just because....

she has my whole heart and in 22 months - has taught me more than I could have dreamed.  I hope you know how much I love you Adelynn.

a few favorites

a huge storm just rolled in here, and although I am saying a silent prayer to the gods that our basement doesn't get any water in it (seriously right now our basement looks like hoarders... we are just out of room) something feels right about having the storm today.  it's a cozy day, addy is napping, and I am curled up on the couch with my ever present reminder of the baby boy.  we are rolling closer to his due date and while I can wax on emotional forever about it, I thought I would share a couple recent things that have been going through my head.

With Addy finally in her big girl room, the nursery is empty and looking pretty bare.  Most of the stuff is going to stay the same and I won't fully commit to a lot of things until we move but I have found myself wanting to pick up just a couple things for him.

I am really drawn to the idea of using constellations as inspiration for his room.  The universe/cosmos is something Jim has always been so interested in and as I have gotten older I have tried my best to start to study it more.  I think it would be great to instil that wonder in a child from a young age and the tapestry at $39 bucks is a steal and something he could grow with.  But of course, I love elephants too.  I don't know.  I am not into super ornate nurseries, one because our "nursery" is the size of a closet and two, because I hesitate to spend a lot of money on things until I get to know their personality.  Although I know Addy's interests and likes will change, I am excited to get to do her room when we move knowing that it will last her the next 3-4 years.

Also I have been on a little cart splurge at Old Navy.  Basically I have thousands of things in my cart and hope to pull the trigger soon but probably wont.  I do need some new clothes but am wrestling with spending the money.  Especially seeing as I can't wear them yet.  I am hoping for some good sales around Labor Day and will save the rest for Christmas - but here are a few things I am coveting.

I actually have a pair of these skinny jeans waiting for me post-partum.  Lauren from ForLaurenandLauren suggested them as just right for moms who can't handle the down low rise jeans anymore.  Since I am constantly showing crack (literally) I am hoping these work for me. 

I am really craving this dress for the family photos we will have taken after he comes.  I feel like the fit will still be forgiving since I will only be a couple weeks postpartum and am in love with the very fall print.  Can't believe it is coming.

The other's are just comfy basics that also look breast feeding friendly.  Can't say I am looking forward to planning my wardrobe around having to constantly whip out my boobs again but... what can ya do? 

Also my little one turns two in two months and we have already bought most of her gifts!  I am going to work on a currently coveting list for her too though as I have spotted some things I think she would love.

Have a great week!

ps.  I am not being sponsored by Old Navy (I WISH!)  but just really have a cart full of things right now at their website.... :)

8 weeks left.

I am officially as of today, 31 weeks along.  If I go through with a scheduled C-section, the most time I have left is 8 weeks (ohmygoodness).  I am 5 weeks away from when I went into labor with Addie.  The end is coming and is so bittersweet.

I have just a week left of having all three kids nannying plus my own.  They start school the 18th and this will be the first time in a year I am not caring for them in some way, either getting them on the bus or off, or spending the day with them in the summer.  I am so grateful for the opportunity that was provided the last year and loved getting to invest in these kids.  I can't believe I'm not going to hear about their first days of school or hear the whining in the morning "I don't want to go today!" It is for the best of reasons, but it is bittersweet.  Honestly, I just keep reminding myself that even if we weren't adding to the family, keeping up with the schedule would have been too hard and I would have had to quit anyway.  In the summer, the dad drops the kids off at my house since he starts work at 7, but in the winter they have to catch the bus so I have to be at their house by 6:30.  Adelynn's sleep is super important and she just never really adapted to having to be up.

Speaking of Adelynn.  Over the past month she has grown up so much.  I was really having a tough time from about 17-21 months or so.  She was clingy and whiny, she didn't ever want to be alone, she needed to be held, she wouldn't listen, etc, etc.  She is doing so much better.  It's not like I think "well that stage is over, glad we won't ever see her be fussy again" but hey, it's ok to celebrate a good stage without constantly dreading what will change or become more difficult again.  She is so verbal and her imagination has really taken off.  She loves dancing, singing, feeding all of her stuffed animals and coloring.  I am so thankful that we have entered a new stage before baby boy came and am really looking forward to her becoming a big sister.

Speaking of boy.  Holy cow, those final nesting, hormone raging, uncomfortable moments are here.  I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat.  Saturday saw me breaking down because "we have no space for him and it's like he doesn't even exist!"  Jim just looked at me and was like "I don't even know what to do with you."  I am getting so so excited over meeting him, seeing his face for the first time, the chubby cheeks, the curled fists.... and I'm crying.  Getting to create a person is literally the greatest gift.  Having watched Adelynn grow and accomplish has put things in perspective and made this time all the sweeter.  I can't believe I am blessed enough to do it again.  I can't believe there is only 8 weeks left until I look at his face and say "oh it was you in there."  My final ultrasound is in less than two weeks... after that no more glimpses till he is here. 

Also sidenote, we did transition Addie to a big girl bed and I will have a post on how that went!