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limits, firm and soft.

last year i wrote about how i almost wished for scars from this journey, a physical rendering of how much pain i had endured.

over the weekend, i dropped my phone in the atlantic ocean, of course i did.  and so, i had a backup right?  jim and i had gotten brand new phones right before... right before everything.  and i've had his phone, just the same as it was when he was alive.  it was one of the last very physical remnants of his life.  i knew, i knew it had to be backed up, to be erased and then i could transfer my stuff to it.  i asked my boyfriend to do it, this impossible task of seeing years of memories.

i was laying on my bedroom floor, petting my dog, getting ready, 1 2 3 for the wave.  he came in and held me while it crashed and as i laid there in a very physical and real pain, i thought to myself, i remember when i felt like this almost all the time.

year two... year two is interesting.  i am exhausted almost all the time.  the pure stamina and adrenaline that kept me…
Recent posts

healing, comfort zone, and goooooo

my comfort zone was honed carefully.  as loud, brash, and outgoing as i can be, that is all my comfort zone.  i think it is easy to think of me as brave, or pushing the limits because so much of what i find comfortable is outside of so many people's comfort zones.

want me to public speak?  no problem
want me to share intimate public details of my life? yessir


but silly things, things you wouldn't think can incite moments of panic... those - those are my weak spots.

this morning i found myself in a kayak for the first time... ever.
as someone whose swimming skills consist mainly of dog paddling until a rescue boat comes, the idea of being MERE INCHES FROM THIS WATER was quite disconcerting.  i didn't always have this fear, but i definitely had it today.  it took about ten minutes of breathing and not focusing on the fact that i was comfortably resting in a boat suspended in MURKY UNRELENTING water.  never mind the fact that i definitely had a life jacket on.

one of my fir…

who does the future belong to?

the future belongs to those who are willing to fight for it.  the future belongs to those who say "i will take it"

too many times, we sit out.  that has stopped.
too many times, i take a backseat (let's be normal)
that time is gone.

my mom was special.  special to her core.  i was reading her journal today and just smiling at the prayers she wrote down, many were for me, many were for my dad, some were for the president and his wife by name.  never condescending, my mom was her own person.  i don't remember a lot about her, definitely not many details.

i remember what it felt like to watch her get ready when she would go out, i thought she was the most beautiful person i had ever seen
i remember her always reminding me how fortunate i was and how other children had less than me
i remember the feeling of her arms and how her smile would light up
i remember how we would always be late, because people were just drawn to her and she seemed to always have a crowd around h…
sometimes i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.  staring down thirty and i still have a hard time saying "i accept."  i accept you, i accept me, i accept flaws and imperfections and meltdowns and and and and and.

it goes on and on, right?  always something new.  new blindspots are always illuminated (oh i didn't know).

it's hard to be enough.  i guess the truth is, i'm never enough.  it's why i don't get my worth from myself, it's why we always feel empty.

i think, to understand what lights you up, to know what makes you happy, it's extremely valuable, especially in current conditions.  i would say most people don't know what truly makes them happy.  social media would tell you it's probably food, a skinny body, or giving zero fucks.  and that's not possible right?  it will always matter what people think, because it will always matter what we think.  it's not the ONLY thing that matters, but sometimes i wonder if we are losing …
be(for)e you
I didn't think my heart would ever find a home outside of itself
again.
be(for)e you
I didn't know if my roots would grow again

you just take the coffee and mix it with the cream and it
it swirls
it melts

we all just want to belong to somebody
and it, it is strange to be loved
to be desired and wanted

to be looked at like you look at me
to be held like you hold me

when your heart has been stitched back together
painful stitch after painful stitch
you embrace when it swells past those stitches

with love
with hope
with the tentative promise that the future holds

all of a sudden (all of a sudden)
all.of.a.sudden
there's the dawn.

(tired of tired)

who said this was easy again?
who promised you the world would fold itself in and you could tuck it into your palm?
who said you could harness the wind, the rains, the floods?
(WHOlied.toyou.)

living is not for the faint of heart.  life seems to be a never ending struggle of getting close to knocked out, only to pick yourself back up again.
life is admitting not everything is for you.
life is sometimes knowing when to bow out.
life is knowing you are meant for more but feeling stuck, feeling stagnant.

i've grown up always feeling different.  physically i was awkward, as a child and a teen, mostly limbs, skinny, curly blonde hair.  my friend from high school that i reconnected with said the thing he remembered most about me is that i would be hunched over physically and it reminded him of me being hunched in on myself emotionally as well.

there is a hilary duff movie called raise your voice (alayne you are getting a major shoutout right now) that alayne and i were obsessed with bac…
i feel mad, i feel abandoned.  why did you bring me into the desert to leave me now?  why sustain me only to crush me underfoot.  there are a million questions and the answers come slowly (if at all)
it's like lightning (everything illuminated) and then l i g h t s o u t

oh i (don't) see.  oh i (don't) understand.  oh i, i, i.
it's not about i
its about you.
i see the flowers, i know i am worth more.
i see the birds, i know i am held closer


the lord is my shepherd, i shall not want
he makes me lie down in green pastures
he leads me besides quiet waters
he restores my soul
he leads me down paths of righteousness for his names sake
even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death
i will fear no evil
for you are with me
your rod and your staff comfort me
you prepare a table before me
you annoying my head with oil
my cup runneth over
goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life