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sometimes i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin.  staring down thirty and i still have a hard time saying "i accept."  i accept you, i accept me, i accept flaws and imperfections and meltdowns and and and and and.

it goes on and on, right?  always something new.  new blindspots are always illuminated (oh i didn't know).

it's hard to be enough.  i guess the truth is, i'm never enough.  it's why i don't get my worth from myself, it's why we always feel empty.

i think, to understand what lights you up, to know what makes you happy, it's extremely valuable, especially in current conditions.  i would say most people don't know what truly makes them happy.  social media would tell you it's probably food, a skinny body, or giving zero fucks.  and that's not possible right?  it will always matter what people think, because it will always matter what we think.  it's not the ONLY thing that matters, but sometimes i wonder if we are losing …
Recent posts
be(for)e you
I didn't think my heart would ever find a home outside of itself
again.
be(for)e you
I didn't know if my roots would grow again

you just take the coffee and mix it with the cream and it
it swirls
it melts

we all just want to belong to somebody
and it, it is strange to be loved
to be desired and wanted

to be looked at like you look at me
to be held like you hold me

when your heart has been stitched back together
painful stitch after painful stitch
you embrace when it swells past those stitches

with love
with hope
with the tentative promise that the future holds

all of a sudden (all of a sudden)
all.of.a.sudden
there's the dawn.

(tired of tired)

who said this was easy again?
who promised you the world would fold itself in and you could tuck it into your palm?
who said you could harness the wind, the rains, the floods?
(WHOlied.toyou.)

living is not for the faint of heart.  life seems to be a never ending struggle of getting close to knocked out, only to pick yourself back up again.
life is admitting not everything is for you.
life is sometimes knowing when to bow out.
life is knowing you are meant for more but feeling stuck, feeling stagnant.

i've grown up always feeling different.  physically i was awkward, as a child and a teen, mostly limbs, skinny, curly blonde hair.  my friend from high school that i reconnected with said the thing he remembered most about me is that i would be hunched over physically and it reminded him of me being hunched in on myself emotionally as well.

there is a hilary duff movie called raise your voice (alayne you are getting a major shoutout right now) that alayne and i were obsessed with bac…
i feel mad, i feel abandoned.  why did you bring me into the desert to leave me now?  why sustain me only to crush me underfoot.  there are a million questions and the answers come slowly (if at all)
it's like lightning (everything illuminated) and then l i g h t s o u t

oh i (don't) see.  oh i (don't) understand.  oh i, i, i.
it's not about i
its about you.
i see the flowers, i know i am worth more.
i see the birds, i know i am held closer


the lord is my shepherd, i shall not want
he makes me lie down in green pastures
he leads me besides quiet waters
he restores my soul
he leads me down paths of righteousness for his names sake
even though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death
i will fear no evil
for you are with me
your rod and your staff comfort me
you prepare a table before me
you annoying my head with oil
my cup runneth over
goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life

to my mom.

hi momma,

this morning when i woke up (too early as always) i just really really wished you were here holding me.  i wish i could hear your laugh and see your smile.  i wish i could see how we have the same mannerisms and hear how we have the same laugh.  i wish my memories of you weren't fought for through thick cobwebs.

mommy, sometimes i get so tired.  it's so hard doing this on my own.  sometimes i'm just tired of being tired.  every day is a fight, sometimes every minute is a fight, to not get overwhelmed, to keep going, to stay strong, to be brave.  sometimes i feel just as fragile as i did in the weeks after everything.

my faith gets so weak and it seems like it swings on a pendulum.  i wish we had assurance.  i wish i knew for sure.  i wish you could sit me down for a half hour and say "don't worry, it's all true and i have elly and i met jim and he makes me laugh."  i wish i didn't have to hear addy cry for her dad.

why do bad things happen?…

life goes on

whenever you encounter a profound tragedy, there are moments, when you seem to stand still while life goes on around you. and you look at these people, incredulous:
how do they move? (you think) for you are frozen how do they smile? for you are sure your lips will never curve again how does a laugh escape their throat so easily?  only guttural cries are heard from yours


it is a strange time, you are separate, held apart from society either in your own mind or in the minds of those around you.  since my story blew up so profoundly and was pretty present on social media, i remember feeling like a small celebrity, my friends would get asked "do you KNOW her?  how is she holding up??" i had strangers introduce themselves to me... 
and that's part of why i left ohio i think, just to breath, to be in a place where i felt like my tragedy didn't define me, it had nothing to do with the people in ohio and everything to do with me and how i was processing.  
and now, now is c…
this is kind of a different post, stay with me.

i feel compelled to share my story.  in the beginning it was to alleviate the pain, i was filled to the brim with hurt and there had to be overflow.  now it is the realization that this will always leave me different, the realization of how brief our time is on this earth, the realization that what we do with our time matters very much.

and so i write this to you my reader,

if you are sitting there, wondering, does what i do matter? would people miss me if i was gone? do i need to spend my days locked in a cage?

if you are sitting there thinking, i am too fat, i am too stupid, i am not educated enough, i have a disability, i can't succeed because my face, legs, stomach, brain, speech impediment, the color of my skin

if the doubt circles around your head like bats, swooping in as night falls

if the pain feels too much to bear alone

if you are stuck

to you i say, stay brave.  to you i say, lift your head.  to you i say, stand strong.  …