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to the dreamers

now, now comes the difficult part, being prepared for new dreams, dreams that i haven't thought of, dreams that will catch me by surprise, dreams that were not and are not part of my plan.  but even in living out new dreams, i will always have the gift of those five weeks.  the five weeks where i lived my heaven. 



that was written going on just a year ago.  it is weird and oddly comforting to have this journey documented somewhat.  especially as i find myself living those new dreams.  we are so limited with our comparisons, our striving to make life so black and white.  my thoughts, limited, "is my life better?" 

we always want to be achieving, making sure we are hitting that goal mark.  i am not set adrift as i once was.  actually last night i looked around a table of my friends and realized, how happy i was.  how happy these people made me, what beautiful and wonderful things we had coming our way.  

what do my goals look like? 
what do i want? 
what is it that sparks my so…
Recent posts

when you try to move mountains

i've been trying recently.  trying with great ferocity to force puzzle pieces into place.  to announce to others "I've figured it out, I've got it under control, don't worry about me!"

Addy is turning into quite a swimmer, my parents were visiting over the weekend and they were teaching her how to float.  "relax" they would say, "don't tense up, just relax" that's when we float.  fast forward to sunday morning, worship leader shared a story about trying to move the mountains and God just kind of being like "okay, listen can you just get out of the way so i can do my job?"

my focus has been off recently, i've been very inward focused, trying to coordinate my rubiks cube to my specifications, "okay to get yellow over there, let's move the green" but my efforts have been frustrated.  i've been searching for meaning when there is already meaning to be had.

today i am thankful.  thankful for fresh starts …
there is so much more sharing that goes on when it is difficult, is there not?  it's been a jumble recently.  

on sunday, alayne and i were sitting together and i comment "i don't know what i am doing"  she replies, "this afternoon?"
i say, "with my life"
and never have i had such an organic interaction that is so representative of our two personalities.  i turned thirty on saturday and while many i think experience this introspective scope of life at thirty, i've been doing that my whole life.  
i mean, i think i was 25 or 26 when i looked up what day of the week my thirtieth would be so i would know when to plan my party.  this is my life, my mind can be a truly exhausting place to be.  i talked to my counselor about it and he stated that when you experience trauma or loss at an early age, it can be extremely difficult to have that immortality viewpoint that so many young people can hold on to.  while there is value in this for me, it creates…

wishers just keep on wishing, it just never comes to fruition

i wish i had more words to share.  i wish i could just flick a switch and suddenly "cue the lights" my life is set.  maybe i don't wish that, that was when the shoe dropped last time.


i wish i had words for what i feel in my heart, for how i am coping, living, learning.  for the dualism that consistently resides in me.  the great ache for those who have left, the ever expanding heart for those i have here.

i remember as a teenager asking my dad who he loved more, gail or my mom, he said, neither it's just different.  i didn't understand it at the time.  my love was ranked, qualified.  my best friends listed in numbers, my crushes listed from hottest to not.  it was oh so black and white.

now i rest in grey matter.
rest is the wrong word,
it's anything (but)

sometimes i yearn for the simplicity of black and white, for waking up, ranking my life in quantifiable and definitive movements.



life is so much messier than i expected


it seems cruel to miss this much.
to elly,

my baby.  i miss you fiercely.  right now i am pretending that you are merely in a different country, that the same stars and moon and sun that warm my life, warm yours.  that you are still feeling sand and salt and earth between your fingers and toes just in a different space.  sometimes it is easier to write as if you are abroad.

oh baby girl, my heart hurts for you.  sometimes it aches with not only the sorrow of losing you but it opens me up to the sorrow of every mother that has lost.  there is so much going on in our world right now baby, things you thankfully don't have to see or hear about.  we seem to have forgotten the value of life.  the inherent value of every individual that they have simply because they are here.

in that way, losing you was a gift that i never wanted.  when you have witnessed life lost- whether a slow fade or a quick snuff, it is not something that you take for granted easily in the future.  yet we have found ourselves in a society that doe…

what you don't see

pictures are bizarre to me.  i almost think we were better off before social media started documenting everything.  it's hard to move on when you are so firmly rooted in the past.  
it is difficult for me at times.  we used to have family pictures taken every fall and then send out christmas cards.  i had planned on framing my christmas cards throughout the years.  planned on documenting in a firm and unmoving way, how our family and grown and changed.  i didn't see these changes coming though.  and it hurts to know there will always be people missing and it hurts to think that some people will look at future cards and see a replacement.
the truth is, that when you find love again, it doesn't fill those spots that the person before filled.  the space in my heart that jim loved was and is reserved only for him.  i will never again have those spaces filled.  our brains so often want to make sense and normalize it and so we look at things as substitutions, but it's not th…
if year one was pain, year two is exhaustion.  it is weird being in these moments now, where everything is still so clear and fresh, and every moment is thought back as "this time last year, this is how much pain i was in still" "this time last year, i was doing this"

last year at this time, i was staring at these future moments with envy.  never in my life had i wanted to fast forward a year so badly.  and all of a sudden, i made it and like a marathon runner over the finish line, my body seems to have collapsed.  i have multiple health issues going on, my blood levels are off, i am exhausted at all times.  all of a sudden, my neurological and physical systems have caught up with my emotional and the battle is still brutal.

there is so much i want to accomplish, but these whispers of doubt are still finding their way into my head.
there is so much i can offer but i am exhausted running down avenues of sharing
there is so much i can teach but i still have to heal