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to elly,

my baby.  i miss you fiercely.  right now i am pretending that you are merely in a different country, that the same stars and moon and sun that warm my life, warm yours.  that you are still feeling sand and salt and earth between your fingers and toes just in a different space.  sometimes it is easier to write as if you are abroad.

oh baby girl, my heart hurts for you.  sometimes it aches with not only the sorrow of losing you but it opens me up to the sorrow of every mother that has lost.  there is so much going on in our world right now baby, things you thankfully don't have to see or hear about.  we seem to have forgotten the value of life.  the inherent value of every individual that they have simply because they are here.

in that way, losing you was a gift that i never wanted.  when you have witnessed life lost- whether a slow fade or a quick snuff, it is not something that you take for granted easily in the future.  yet we have found ourselves in a society that doe…
Recent posts

what you don't see

pictures are bizarre to me.  i almost think we were better off before social media started documenting everything.  it's hard to move on when you are so firmly rooted in the past.  
it is difficult for me at times.  we used to have family pictures taken every fall and then send out christmas cards.  i had planned on framing my christmas cards throughout the years.  planned on documenting in a firm and unmoving way, how our family and grown and changed.  i didn't see these changes coming though.  and it hurts to know there will always be people missing and it hurts to think that some people will look at future cards and see a replacement.
the truth is, that when you find love again, it doesn't fill those spots that the person before filled.  the space in my heart that jim loved was and is reserved only for him.  i will never again have those spaces filled.  our brains so often want to make sense and normalize it and so we look at things as substitutions, but it's not th…
if year one was pain, year two is exhaustion.  it is weird being in these moments now, where everything is still so clear and fresh, and every moment is thought back as "this time last year, this is how much pain i was in still" "this time last year, i was doing this"

last year at this time, i was staring at these future moments with envy.  never in my life had i wanted to fast forward a year so badly.  and all of a sudden, i made it and like a marathon runner over the finish line, my body seems to have collapsed.  i have multiple health issues going on, my blood levels are off, i am exhausted at all times.  all of a sudden, my neurological and physical systems have caught up with my emotional and the battle is still brutal.

there is so much i want to accomplish, but these whispers of doubt are still finding their way into my head.
there is so much i can offer but i am exhausted running down avenues of sharing
there is so much i can teach but i still have to heal


the summer of your back

addy,

three years ago, it was the summer of skinned knees for you.  i was pregnant with lane, we were in our stow house still, we spent so much time outside that summer, it was my last year nannying, so much nostalgia...

and you were constantly falling,  your chubby thighs, barely fitting into 18 month clothes.  you were constantly testing out your waddling turned to running skills.  you took most of the falls with grace, crying of course, but not letting them slow you down.

it seems time has slipped by again... it is hard for me to believe that was only three years ago when so much has come and go in between.  another house, two children welcomed, was it really only three years ago that it was just you and me baby girl?

now it seems i am only catching your back.  your blonde hair, rarely tamed, whipping behind you.  your legs are no longer skinned, instead they are carry bruises from the constant run ins your have with your environment.  these summers are slipping by, so quickly it…

limits, firm and soft.

last year i wrote about how i almost wished for scars from this journey, a physical rendering of how much pain i had endured.

over the weekend, i dropped my phone in the atlantic ocean, of course i did.  and so, i had a backup right?  jim and i had gotten brand new phones right before... right before everything.  and i've had his phone, just the same as it was when he was alive.  it was one of the last very physical remnants of his life.  i knew, i knew it had to be backed up, to be erased and then i could transfer my stuff to it.  i asked my boyfriend to do it, this impossible task of seeing years of memories.

i was laying on my bedroom floor, petting my dog, getting ready, 1 2 3 for the wave.  he came in and held me while it crashed and as i laid there in a very physical and real pain, i thought to myself, i remember when i felt like this almost all the time.

year two... year two is interesting.  i am exhausted almost all the time.  the pure stamina and adrenaline that kept me…

healing, comfort zone, and goooooo

my comfort zone was honed carefully.  as loud, brash, and outgoing as i can be, that is all my comfort zone.  i think it is easy to think of me as brave, or pushing the limits because so much of what i find comfortable is outside of so many people's comfort zones.

want me to public speak?  no problem
want me to share intimate public details of my life? yessir


but silly things, things you wouldn't think can incite moments of panic... those - those are my weak spots.

this morning i found myself in a kayak for the first time... ever.
as someone whose swimming skills consist mainly of dog paddling until a rescue boat comes, the idea of being MERE INCHES FROM THIS WATER was quite disconcerting.  i didn't always have this fear, but i definitely had it today.  it took about ten minutes of breathing and not focusing on the fact that i was comfortably resting in a boat suspended in MURKY UNRELENTING water.  never mind the fact that i definitely had a life jacket on.

one of my fir…

who does the future belong to?

the future belongs to those who are willing to fight for it.  the future belongs to those who say "i will take it"

too many times, we sit out.  that has stopped.
too many times, i take a backseat (let's be normal)
that time is gone.

my mom was special.  special to her core.  i was reading her journal today and just smiling at the prayers she wrote down, many were for me, many were for my dad, some were for the president and his wife by name.  never condescending, my mom was her own person.  i don't remember a lot about her, definitely not many details.

i remember what it felt like to watch her get ready when she would go out, i thought she was the most beautiful person i had ever seen
i remember her always reminding me how fortunate i was and how other children had less than me
i remember the feeling of her arms and how her smile would light up
i remember how we would always be late, because people were just drawn to her and she seemed to always have a crowd around h…