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Showing posts from October, 2016

let it flow

it is the cusp of autumn here in the south.  i know some places up north have already faced snow, meanwhile we are trucking in at 85 degrees still.  the leaves are changing though, and falling, crunching under our feet as we run out the door and getting tracked into the house as we come in.

we are starting to settle.  the dust is starting to clear, numb is wearing off.  and i am faced with life, the reality of life, and for the first time in this, i feel ready.  ready for a job, ready to interact with people again and not have them know every detail about the situation, ready to cook for my family, ready to be emotionally available to my kids so they can process their grief.  

when everything first happened, i felt so apart from society, so marked and scarred.  it was crazy to me that i could be walking around doing normal things and these people around me didn't know what happened.  you almost have this compulsion to spill it to everyone, to tell them what's going on, to explai…

on having your own identity.

we train ourselves to always look for the positive in situations.  this is a skill that's honed, a professional development over a lifetime.  you know when this gets awkward?  when it relates to death.  for some reason we think our brain shouldn't go there.  it should have the boundaries of knowing that nothing good can come from death.

my brain is such a muddled place recently, it is a ball of yarn that will most likely never completely unravel.  i still spend a lot of time just in thought, thinking about why i did what i did, the impact it's had on my life.

when a marriage ends, there is this very real part of you that sheds that part of you like a coat that doesn't fit anymore.  and it doesn't really matter how/why it ends.  i failed for a large portion of our relationship to carve out an identity for myself outside of being jim's wife and my children's mother.  and the reality of that is that deficit started when i met him.

our love story so unique a…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell. 

overprotected.

remember that britney spears song "overprotected" no, just me? because yeah i still listen to britney spears.

there is this tendency in all of us, to protect what matters of course.  i do it with my children, my dogs, my friends.  sometimes feeling helpless is worse than taking the pain personally.  usually it is, unless you are in a really extreme example.  God knows i'm going to go ape shit on the first guy that ever tried to mess around with addy.  sometimes i think about the road she is going to walk, with mean girls and bully, unrequited love and heartache... it's so hard to even imagine.  ultimately though, i know that in order for her to be her best i am going to have to release that grip.  that grip of trying to make everything perfect for her and instead just stand there in the paint with her, allow her to get hurt.



truly we can't really protect other people can we?  all we can do is struggle ourselves.  people spend too much time overthinking circumstan…
dear jim,

we tried to do our family pictures today.  lane sucked his thumb the whole time and refused to be put down and addy was throwing a tantrum.  there were lots of family's there doing fall pics and i had to laugh when i saw one dad in his tucked in button down and styled hair just swear under his breath and go "and i'm done" and literally walk away from his two year old.  we all have those moments right?  being done.  it wasn't as hard as i thought it would be, probably because it didn't actually happen.  the photographer was like "well... if you want to come back and do another mini session.... i don't think i got much today"

I wish you were here to talk to.  I miss having my friend here.  It's so difficult babe.  The other night I couldn't sleep and I just thought about how if you were here it wouldn't be that big of a deal because you'd stay up and talk with me.  Remember that one night in our Streetsboro apartment wher…

can't stop.

someone once asked me if everything that happened played like a movie in my head.  normally, the answer is no.  i would never sleep, never function if it did.  having a child die is beyond horrific.  knowing i'll never get to kiss her again, never see her eyes light up in a smile, never have an elly/mommy date.

i can't sleep tonight.  my thoughts go continuously to jim and elly.  every time my body relaxes into sleep, i am jerked awake.  my head is pounding and not even addy's breaths are lulling me to sleep.

people set off fireworks tonight, why on a thursday i'm not sure.  little did they know, the sounds of them caused a 29 year old single mom to go into a panic attack and hyperventilation state.  each one sounded like a gun shot and i could not snap out of it.  it went on for close to thirty minutes.

and that's the thing right, i walk around and look like i'm fine and look happy.  no one knows.  today i was at a kid's museum and there is a pretend ambu…

to my daughter

dear a,

oh addy.  you turned four yesterday, you turned four and i failed you so badly on your birthday.  yesterday i had this moment when i was just yelling and being angry and you came up to me with this sad look on your face and just grabbed my hand.  you understand so much more than you let on baby.  i know you feel it too.  my relationship with you is so special, you take so much more of the load than you should.

to you who held my head when i was sobbing hysterically and patted my hair, "don't worry mommy, you're not alone"
to you who has literally saved my life with just your breathe when i've been close to the edge
to you who drapes your lanky body around mine just perfectly and nuzzles into my neck
to you who grabs my face and looks into my eyes when i'm angry and upset, searching for understanding

to you my daughter, i hope one day, when you have kids of your own you know how much i tried and how special you are to me.  i hope you know that i liter…
to my love,

i reeked of self-doubt today.  i.could.not.pull.it.together.  there is a large part of me that blames you for this today.  all of me wants to blame you.  my steps were false, my figure was halting, my frustration was always present.

your beautiful little angel turned four today.  do you remember that day four years ago?  my water breaking at our stow house?  i've never seen you happier than in that moment.  jesus babe, she missed you so much today.  you couldn't find it in you to stick around for that?  we talked about it constantly, you and elly missing from our "party," half of her family not even around when she turns four, to be four and have lost half of your family already.  and then i'm yelling because i'm frustrated and sad and tired and i miss you too and i miss my daughter.  and it's all a mess.

even in my new reality there is still disbelief.  not as much as in ohio for sure, but a part.  a part of me still whispers (he can't ha…
dear elly,

friday is sissy's birthday.  you would have been seven months old.  always into numbers, your dad and i were so excited that your birthday was 3/7 the combination of the birthdays of your siblings.  i woke up thinking about you today baby, your warm body cradled into mine the last time i held you.  your peach fuzz of dark hair against your scalp.  how is it that i barely knew you and yet i miss you terribly, missing the soul that knew mine so well.

i remember on daddy's birthday i was holding you and drinking half a glass of wine and your brother and sister were just going nuts playing "playground" on our couch.  they were (rarely) completely occupying themselves and you and i were just hanging and i thought to myself "this is the most chill baby i have ever seen" part of me wishes i knew in that moment what was coming ten days later.

i woke up thinking about you today.  i haven't really been crying since i moved and i needed it today, whic…