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can't stop.

someone once asked me if everything that happened played like a movie in my head.  normally, the answer is no.  i would never sleep, never function if it did.  having a child die is beyond horrific.  knowing i'll never get to kiss her again, never see her eyes light up in a smile, never have an elly/mommy date.

i can't sleep tonight.  my thoughts go continuously to jim and elly.  every time my body relaxes into sleep, i am jerked awake.  my head is pounding and not even addy's breaths are lulling me to sleep.

people set off fireworks tonight, why on a thursday i'm not sure.  little did they know, the sounds of them caused a 29 year old single mom to go into a panic attack and hyperventilation state.  each one sounded like a gun shot and i could not snap out of it.  it went on for close to thirty minutes.

and that's the thing right, i walk around and look like i'm fine and look happy.  no one knows.  today i was at a kid's museum and there is a pretend ambulance with a pretend baby in it.  this sight of this always gives me great anxiety to the point where i really try to avoid even looking at it.  and i wondered, i thought, how many other people in this room have a trigger in here right now?



anger is only a secondary emotion.  and this week i have been angry.  raging at what was taken from me, angry at the world for not suffering with me, angry at people that are having babies and announcing pregnancy, angry at people who post that "love your spouse" shit on Facebook, angry at people-just because they're alive and my daughter isn't.  and it hurts right.  it still fucking hurts.  i still hurt.

it wasn't just jim that screwed me over, it's this whole cosmos.  i got a raw deal and i want to know why.  why are we here, why do we suffer, WHAT IS THE POINT?

i don't often share details about my kids and their grief process.  their journey is their own and i respect it.  lane's hasn't even started yet, i imagine i'll be dealing with that mostly in high school.  addy though, addy busted this one out the other day
"God let daddy die...  (long pause) it's God's fault"

today on the playground i saw three brothers playing.  two were playing together and the third one was alone.  the two playing together kept saying "michael, come on over bud, come play with us" as soon as the kid would get close they would leave him in the dust.

giving, just to take away.
having, just to lose.

we all play our roles.  ours seems to be ants, running around trying not to get recognized lest we be stepped on.  God, God seems to be a sadist.  giving just to take

let's stop covering up the bruises shall we.  i am not ok, we are not ok. 

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …