Skip to main content

can't stop.

someone once asked me if everything that happened played like a movie in my head.  normally, the answer is no.  i would never sleep, never function if it did.  having a child die is beyond horrific.  knowing i'll never get to kiss her again, never see her eyes light up in a smile, never have an elly/mommy date.

i can't sleep tonight.  my thoughts go continuously to jim and elly.  every time my body relaxes into sleep, i am jerked awake.  my head is pounding and not even addy's breaths are lulling me to sleep.

people set off fireworks tonight, why on a thursday i'm not sure.  little did they know, the sounds of them caused a 29 year old single mom to go into a panic attack and hyperventilation state.  each one sounded like a gun shot and i could not snap out of it.  it went on for close to thirty minutes.

and that's the thing right, i walk around and look like i'm fine and look happy.  no one knows.  today i was at a kid's museum and there is a pretend ambulance with a pretend baby in it.  this sight of this always gives me great anxiety to the point where i really try to avoid even looking at it.  and i wondered, i thought, how many other people in this room have a trigger in here right now?

anger is only a secondary emotion.  and this week i have been angry.  raging at what was taken from me, angry at the world for not suffering with me, angry at people that are having babies and announcing pregnancy, angry at people who post that "love your spouse" shit on Facebook, angry at people-just because they're alive and my daughter isn't.  and it hurts right.  it still fucking hurts.  i still hurt.

it wasn't just jim that screwed me over, it's this whole cosmos.  i got a raw deal and i want to know why.  why are we here, why do we suffer, WHAT IS THE POINT?

i don't often share details about my kids and their grief process.  their journey is their own and i respect it.  lane's hasn't even started yet, i imagine i'll be dealing with that mostly in high school.  addy though, addy busted this one out the other day
"God let daddy die...  (long pause) it's God's fault"

today on the playground i saw three brothers playing.  two were playing together and the third one was alone.  the two playing together kept saying "michael, come on over bud, come play with us" as soon as the kid would get close they would leave him in the dust.

giving, just to take away.
having, just to lose.

we all play our roles.  ours seems to be ants, running around trying not to get recognized lest we be stepped on.  God, God seems to be a sadist.  giving just to take

let's stop covering up the bruises shall we.  i am not ok, we are not ok. 


Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

life we expect over life we're given

one of the undying truths i have discovered through this process is that few of us live the life we imagine.  sure, some do.  but most have speed bumps thrown their way throughout life.  whether it's a divorce or death or financial insecurity, many start over, many rebuild, many take stock throughout their thirties, forties, fifties and think "well this isn't where i thought i would be"

granted... all things considered, mine is more tragic than most.  even outside of these most recent events my life has seen its fill of trying circumstances.  by the age of eight i had seen abuse and death in my family.  not exactly what you would hope for, but certainly it has given me the coping mechanisms i have now.  

as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life.  everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.
people... i don't even know what that is.  but i know what i want…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.