can't stop.

someone once asked me if everything that happened played like a movie in my head.  normally, the answer is no.  i would never sleep, never function if it did.  having a child die is beyond horrific.  knowing i'll never get to kiss her again, never see her eyes light up in a smile, never have an elly/mommy date.

i can't sleep tonight.  my thoughts go continuously to jim and elly.  every time my body relaxes into sleep, i am jerked awake.  my head is pounding and not even addy's breaths are lulling me to sleep.

people set off fireworks tonight, why on a thursday i'm not sure.  little did they know, the sounds of them caused a 29 year old single mom to go into a panic attack and hyperventilation state.  each one sounded like a gun shot and i could not snap out of it.  it went on for close to thirty minutes.

and that's the thing right, i walk around and look like i'm fine and look happy.  no one knows.  today i was at a kid's museum and there is a pretend ambulance with a pretend baby in it.  this sight of this always gives me great anxiety to the point where i really try to avoid even looking at it.  and i wondered, i thought, how many other people in this room have a trigger in here right now?

anger is only a secondary emotion.  and this week i have been angry.  raging at what was taken from me, angry at the world for not suffering with me, angry at people that are having babies and announcing pregnancy, angry at people who post that "love your spouse" shit on Facebook, angry at people-just because they're alive and my daughter isn't.  and it hurts right.  it still fucking hurts.  i still hurt.

it wasn't just jim that screwed me over, it's this whole cosmos.  i got a raw deal and i want to know why.  why are we here, why do we suffer, WHAT IS THE POINT?

i don't often share details about my kids and their grief process.  their journey is their own and i respect it.  lane's hasn't even started yet, i imagine i'll be dealing with that mostly in high school.  addy though, addy busted this one out the other day
"God let daddy die...  (long pause) it's God's fault"

today on the playground i saw three brothers playing.  two were playing together and the third one was alone.  the two playing together kept saying "michael, come on over bud, come play with us" as soon as the kid would get close they would leave him in the dust.

giving, just to take away.
having, just to lose.

we all play our roles.  ours seems to be ants, running around trying not to get recognized lest we be stepped on.  God, God seems to be a sadist.  giving just to take

let's stop covering up the bruises shall we.  i am not ok, we are not ok. 

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