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dear elly,

friday is sissy's birthday.  you would have been seven months old.  always into numbers, your dad and i were so excited that your birthday was 3/7 the combination of the birthdays of your siblings.  i woke up thinking about you today baby, your warm body cradled into mine the last time i held you.  your peach fuzz of dark hair against your scalp.  how is it that i barely knew you and yet i miss you terribly, missing the soul that knew mine so well.

i remember on daddy's birthday i was holding you and drinking half a glass of wine and your brother and sister were just going nuts playing "playground" on our couch.  they were (rarely) completely occupying themselves and you and i were just hanging and i thought to myself "this is the most chill baby i have ever seen" part of me wishes i knew in that moment what was coming ten days later.

i woke up thinking about you today.  i haven't really been crying since i moved and i needed it today, which is partly why you are getting this letter.  i am sorry that i am using thoughts to you as an emotional release for me.  i hope you know how special you were to me, i am so sorry i wasn't a better mom, i'm sorry i failed.

you sit on my dresser, in this beautiful blue urn, it's probably the size of a teacup.  that small, diminutive nature of it breaks my heart open when i look at it.  today, it is not enough.  today, i want to hold you.  today, i am raging at what i lost when you left this world.  today, i want my baby.

ellybean, your sissy misses you.  she always pretends that i'm her sister now.  "mom, we are sisters, the two of us mom, you're my sister."  your brother misses you, it breaks my heart when i see him with another baby, i know he misses you.  oh elly, would i to have suffered a thousand deaths in your place i would do it.

there was a part of me that had a hard time grieving you after your daddy died.  i mean, truth be told, it shut me down for a while, then i could only look at your death as this bizarre catalyst for the hell i endured, and now it is finally separate again.  the death of my daughter once again, the burning scar it should be.

elly, i wish i was holding you today.  i wish the bittersweet pain of seeing you grow up was mine to bear.  i wish your dimpled thighs were against mine in our bed as i snuggled you in the morning, aghast that seven months with this chubby little monster have slipped by already.  i wish i was getting ready to dress you for your first halloween and that when i buy you something it doesn't feel so empty when it gets here to serve as a reminder of you.  i wish addy had her real sissy here, i wish you were ours elly.

love you baby, please give your daddy a kiss from all of us and give my mommy a hug from me because today i really miss her too.
love your mommy.  xoxoxxxx.


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