this is it baby. we are down to our last couple weeks just you and me. I looked at your daddy today and I asked him if he thought you were ready. he very seriously considered the question (as he does all my questions) and said yes, he thought you were. although, I tend to be a worrier by nature, when I searched my heart, I knew I felt the same way. I think you are ready. in fact, in a lot of ways, you seem just as excited as I am to meet your baby brother.
when I washed and folded his clothes, I brought up the laundry basket from downstairs. I asked you if you knew who the clothes were for and told you they were for your baby brother. You did your new excited face that you are doing where your mouth opens real wide and you get all pumped about life. you then went through all the clothes with me and exclaimed "cute cute!" over all your favorites.
I know it's not going to be all sunshine and roses. life never is, unfortunately. but we only know sweet by knowing bitter. adding a member of a family is a time of transition, for everyone, but I know you will shine. I hope you know above all, that even when I fail, even when it seems like I am impatient, or you are just getting in the way, my love for you is not wavering. Even when it seems like all I do is care for him instead of play with you, my love for you is not wavering. I hope you never ever ever doubt my love.
Receiving you made me a mom, and I can never ever repay you for that gift. You have given me my greatest treasure and my most full joy. I hope that this will be my gift back to you. A sibling, a (hopefully) big family to give you anchors. I grew up so lonely as an only child, I desperately wanted a sibling. My greatest hope is that this will bring you the ultimate in family bonding, someone to go through the tough times with, someone to lean on when your dad and I are old, someone to cling to when things go awry, someone to protect you through life's storms, especially when you feel like you can't talk to you parents.
I love you. I know you are ready, I hope I am too. Please be patient with me as we go through this together. Know that I will always always be there for you.
I love you.
mommy
Showing posts with label thoughts on motherhood. Show all posts
what being a mom has taught me about perfectionism
Friday, August 15, 2014
I am (was?) a bit of a perfectionist. I think this title can mean a lot of different things to different people. While I definitely wasn't the straight A's in school, leader of the cheer squad kind of perfect, I struggled with it in a different way.
I never ever allowed myself to fail.
Can you see where this is going? If I thought there was a chance at failure of something... I would sit it out. I quit all sorts of things, horseback riding, karate, track. While, given my coordination, I don't think I would have ever been a black belt, looking back I really wish I would have stuck with track. I love running now and think my high school years could have been a lot more enjoyable had I had an outlet where I had fun, was physically active, and had some friends. (that's a bit of a rabbit trail though).
The funny thing about being a mother is, you constantly fail, so just throw those ideas of perfect out the window at the beginning. There have been times when I have found myself telling Jim how much I wish I could be a perfect mom and he always responds with "she doesn't need perfect, perfect is boring, she needs you." I think the quote by Jill Churchill sums it up nicely:
"There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."
The other flip side to motherhood? There is no quitting. No escape route, no "well, I tried but I just don't seem cut out for it." Once you are a mom... well better put on your big girl pants cause you aren't getting out of it. So every day, I have to learn grace, grace for my daughter and grace for myself. I will yell, I will lose it, I get frustrated and angry, AND that's ok.
I still have worth as a mother, she still needs ME above everyone else. The biggest failure would be to dwell on these moments. To not treat them as they deserve to be treated: as a learning experience, yes, but a fleeting moment that has no bearing on how my daughter feels about me or how I feel about her, for that matter.
By allowing myself to not be perfect, I am also giving Adelynn the opportunity to be failed by people and still allow them grace and love. In doing so, she will also learn that is ok for her to fail and that she will still be loved. What a wonderful opportunity for her to have the freedom and courage to embrace her imperfections and go after her dreams - no matter what they may be. Such truth in knowing - it's ok to fail.
It's ok to go after dreams and have them lost, to know we will get angry and upset, to know that we fill fail the ones we love the most. To remain in the truth, that in the midst of failure, we are still of worth and still valuable.
and just because....
I never ever allowed myself to fail.
Can you see where this is going? If I thought there was a chance at failure of something... I would sit it out. I quit all sorts of things, horseback riding, karate, track. While, given my coordination, I don't think I would have ever been a black belt, looking back I really wish I would have stuck with track. I love running now and think my high school years could have been a lot more enjoyable had I had an outlet where I had fun, was physically active, and had some friends. (that's a bit of a rabbit trail though).
The funny thing about being a mother is, you constantly fail, so just throw those ideas of perfect out the window at the beginning. There have been times when I have found myself telling Jim how much I wish I could be a perfect mom and he always responds with "she doesn't need perfect, perfect is boring, she needs you." I think the quote by Jill Churchill sums it up nicely:
"There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."
The other flip side to motherhood? There is no quitting. No escape route, no "well, I tried but I just don't seem cut out for it." Once you are a mom... well better put on your big girl pants cause you aren't getting out of it. So every day, I have to learn grace, grace for my daughter and grace for myself. I will yell, I will lose it, I get frustrated and angry, AND that's ok.
I still have worth as a mother, she still needs ME above everyone else. The biggest failure would be to dwell on these moments. To not treat them as they deserve to be treated: as a learning experience, yes, but a fleeting moment that has no bearing on how my daughter feels about me or how I feel about her, for that matter.
By allowing myself to not be perfect, I am also giving Adelynn the opportunity to be failed by people and still allow them grace and love. In doing so, she will also learn that is ok for her to fail and that she will still be loved. What a wonderful opportunity for her to have the freedom and courage to embrace her imperfections and go after her dreams - no matter what they may be. Such truth in knowing - it's ok to fail.
It's ok to go after dreams and have them lost, to know we will get angry and upset, to know that we fill fail the ones we love the most. To remain in the truth, that in the midst of failure, we are still of worth and still valuable.
and just because....
she has my whole heart and in 22 months - has taught me more than I could have dreamed. I hope you know how much I love you Adelynn.
it's not about me.
Monday, May 12, 2014
a week ago or so jim asked me what I wanted for mother's day in a "what do you want to do for Mother's day" kinda way. I asked for a couple hours to myself guilt free, to sleep in and some sort of breakfast.
see last year, my mother-in-law came into town for mother's day and so my weekend was filled with cleaning, cooking and planning - all while still caring for my seventh month old and feeling in general just crazy. so in my mind I was fully engaged in a "I DESERVE A MOTHER'S DAY! I DO SO MUCH! SO SO SO MUCH!!! NO ONE EVEN KNOWS HOW MUCH I DO!" and the like. not a very flattering portrait of myself, but an accurate one.
however, life had other plans. my poor babe came down sick on Saturday and slept horribly (goodbye sleeping in!) and refused to be peeled from my body for most of Sunday. we basically were one skin. I had laid her down for a nap at about one hoping she would go to sleep on her own for a bit and from the kitchen I hear "mommy.... mommy" in the most pitiful voice you can imagine. So I went up and picked up her little feverish body and rocked her on the floor and she fell asleep. Eventually I shifted her so we were both laying on the floor and I fell asleep too. Before I did though, I realized something that it is kind of unfortunate it took me this long to realize - it's not about me. What I do, day in and day out is not for me. The cooking, the cleaning, the kisses, the scheduling - it's not for my benefit or for my accolades - it is truly for my family. For my babe and baby-that's-coming, for my husband who works so hard so I can be at home with our littles.
And it's funny, that thought brought a lot of freedom. Freedom from needing the constant affirmations, From needing everyone to realize just how hard I am working for them.
I am not sure how to wrap this, it's still a new thought and a new lesson that I am sure will be molding my life in the months and years to come but I do want to say. To all the Mother's out there, salute, we are doing one hell of a job, and if you can remember to say - it's for them.
see last year, my mother-in-law came into town for mother's day and so my weekend was filled with cleaning, cooking and planning - all while still caring for my seventh month old and feeling in general just crazy. so in my mind I was fully engaged in a "I DESERVE A MOTHER'S DAY! I DO SO MUCH! SO SO SO MUCH!!! NO ONE EVEN KNOWS HOW MUCH I DO!" and the like. not a very flattering portrait of myself, but an accurate one.
however, life had other plans. my poor babe came down sick on Saturday and slept horribly (goodbye sleeping in!) and refused to be peeled from my body for most of Sunday. we basically were one skin. I had laid her down for a nap at about one hoping she would go to sleep on her own for a bit and from the kitchen I hear "mommy.... mommy" in the most pitiful voice you can imagine. So I went up and picked up her little feverish body and rocked her on the floor and she fell asleep. Eventually I shifted her so we were both laying on the floor and I fell asleep too. Before I did though, I realized something that it is kind of unfortunate it took me this long to realize - it's not about me. What I do, day in and day out is not for me. The cooking, the cleaning, the kisses, the scheduling - it's not for my benefit or for my accolades - it is truly for my family. For my babe and baby-that's-coming, for my husband who works so hard so I can be at home with our littles.
And it's funny, that thought brought a lot of freedom. Freedom from needing the constant affirmations, From needing everyone to realize just how hard I am working for them.
I am not sure how to wrap this, it's still a new thought and a new lesson that I am sure will be molding my life in the months and years to come but I do want to say. To all the Mother's out there, salute, we are doing one hell of a job, and if you can remember to say - it's for them.
a letter to my daughter.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
dear a,
time is a fickle friend. never trust it. as you grow it will seem as if the time passes slowly, your years marked by half and quarter birthdays, each day you will wake up with the sunshine in your hair and the possibility of the entire day in front of you. you will wish it away, wanting to be older so you can stay up later, go out with your friends, start to drive, go to college, and then you hopefully will one day have children and time becomes an enemy robbing you of your days, the minutes and hours ticking by faster than you can count.
wasn't it just yesterday you were still curled up in my belly? kicking me and making all sort of alien movements from the outside? wasn't it just yesterday i met you for the first time. your little fists curled into tight balls, your blue eyes closed against the harsh hospital lights.
tonight i held you and you feel asleep in my arms for the first time without being nursed to sleep. you laid you head right on my heart and i sang you song after song until you fell asleep. i think we both knew it was something the other person needed. my lullabies ran out after skidamarink and you are my sunshine so i eventually was singing the lines i know from patience, we didn't start the fire and ain't no mountain high enough. your lanky legs were splaid out over my legs, your stomach warm against my stomach. your breathe gentle on my chest. we've known each other for eleven months darling girl and i would be lying if i said my heart didn't ache for the moments that have passed. your newborn gummy smiles, your first giggles and how proud you were when you learned to sit up.
you call me and daddy by name now, although it is funny you say "mom" and "dad" more than momma or dada. i want so badly to freeze you as you are right now, beautiful and perfect, so proud and mischevious but starting to be such a good listener. we are on the cusp of toddlerhood and as the nights tick by and make my sleeping baby a little older it is hard not to be sad. but baby, i hope you know how excited i am for our future together. to know that we will share so many more years together. i promise to always always always be there for you. i won't ever leave you or stop loving you. you are my joy and my heart, one of my biggest reasons for waking up in the morning and certainly the reason i have a smile on my face when i do.
i love you baby, for all of time and beyond,
xoxoxxxxx
your mom.
time is a fickle friend. never trust it. as you grow it will seem as if the time passes slowly, your years marked by half and quarter birthdays, each day you will wake up with the sunshine in your hair and the possibility of the entire day in front of you. you will wish it away, wanting to be older so you can stay up later, go out with your friends, start to drive, go to college, and then you hopefully will one day have children and time becomes an enemy robbing you of your days, the minutes and hours ticking by faster than you can count.
wasn't it just yesterday you were still curled up in my belly? kicking me and making all sort of alien movements from the outside? wasn't it just yesterday i met you for the first time. your little fists curled into tight balls, your blue eyes closed against the harsh hospital lights.
tonight i held you and you feel asleep in my arms for the first time without being nursed to sleep. you laid you head right on my heart and i sang you song after song until you fell asleep. i think we both knew it was something the other person needed. my lullabies ran out after skidamarink and you are my sunshine so i eventually was singing the lines i know from patience, we didn't start the fire and ain't no mountain high enough. your lanky legs were splaid out over my legs, your stomach warm against my stomach. your breathe gentle on my chest. we've known each other for eleven months darling girl and i would be lying if i said my heart didn't ache for the moments that have passed. your newborn gummy smiles, your first giggles and how proud you were when you learned to sit up.
you call me and daddy by name now, although it is funny you say "mom" and "dad" more than momma or dada. i want so badly to freeze you as you are right now, beautiful and perfect, so proud and mischevious but starting to be such a good listener. we are on the cusp of toddlerhood and as the nights tick by and make my sleeping baby a little older it is hard not to be sad. but baby, i hope you know how excited i am for our future together. to know that we will share so many more years together. i promise to always always always be there for you. i won't ever leave you or stop loving you. you are my joy and my heart, one of my biggest reasons for waking up in the morning and certainly the reason i have a smile on my face when i do.
i love you baby, for all of time and beyond,
xoxoxxxxx
your mom.
bleh
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
the weather here in ohio has been extreme lately. we had 30s on monday and it is hitting 80 today. and for some reason the weather seems to reflect my mood swings (lucky hubby!).
this past weekend was my first official mother's day as my little was still a bean last year. and while i was eternally thankful all day for being a mom and definitely filled with joy over my family... i was also exhausted. my m-i-l came into town for the weekend and thus cleaning, hosting, and cooking was my go-to over the weekend. and it was a lovely time and very appreciated by all and the company was enjoyed... but it wasn't exactly relaxing. throw in the fact that little is cutting her top teeth (OHEMGEE WHERE IS TIME GOING!) and she notoriously awakens ALL the time for night feedings during teething has left me going into this week exhausted, frantic, and a little emotional.
a lot of me recently has found myself wishing we lived in a different time. some of my favorite books growing up were little house on the prairie
part of me still wishes we lived in that time. it sucks that my family spends 40+ hours a week being separated. so much of me wishes my husband could just stay home. although i love being a SAHM so much of me is missing that it is almost hard to fully engage myself with her. my fuse is shorter and it shows. on the weekends, when the whole family is together - the unit functions totally different. it's literally almost like we are missing our engine while he is at work.
on top of that you throw in the state of the world and i just can't say i am thrilled with raising a child in this time. of course, there is no alternative - besides getting super rich and buying an island somewhere. but one can't disengage completely and so we are left muddling through, doing the best with the resources at hand. but i think there will always be a part of me that wishes for a simpler time.
in other news, i stopped especially to buy whole fat plain yogurt for my little today and of course had to spend an inordinate amount of time comparing brands and containers, finally decided, paid for it, got all the way home and realized i grabbed french vanilla. mothereklfjkfsljlk. niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice.
just because.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Happy Mother's Day to Everyone.
and to my little bean, thank you for choosing me as your mom, i love you to the moon and back.
xoxox,
your momma
thoughts on motherhood
Friday, February 22, 2013
tomorrow we are going to attempt to give a cereal. we tried last weekend but girlfriend has a meltdown 2 seconds in due to wanting to nap. (as her parents we are clearly ALWAYS clued in to what she wants... especially since the "tips" specifically stated... do not attempt when fussy)
since she is nursing, in my thoughts and heart this marks one of the first times that i am no longer enough. i'm still her mom but she has needs that exist outside of what i can fulfill. it's very bittersweet. as a female and a mom there is such a transformation that takes place with having a child. they go from literally not being able to survive outside of you in the womb, to coming out yet still existing almost as an extension of yourself although the umbilical cord is cut.
but that time is short. and soon they begin to embrace their own autonomy. existing solely within and off themselves and not as an extension of you. i pray that although i gave her life, i will always recognize her independence in living it.
so many moms especially, either live through their kids, try to control the kids life, etc. and i understand the desire to do so. it's difficult to resist if you look at your child as an extension of yourself. but they aren't. even as a baby, my a has her own personality, temperament dreams, desires. they might not be fully manifested yet, but they are there, waiting to be nurtured and cared for. and so my prayer is for autonomy, both within myself and within my child.
yes, my identity is forever changed by being a mom. but i can't have it be my only identity. a deserves a mom that sets an example of independence and passion, that shows her how to live this very short gift of life and that offers her the opportunity to be her own person.
i will be her parent and so i pray i will offer protection with freedom, independence with love, and advice with a very soft heart that listens more than it speaks.
since she is nursing, in my thoughts and heart this marks one of the first times that i am no longer enough. i'm still her mom but she has needs that exist outside of what i can fulfill. it's very bittersweet. as a female and a mom there is such a transformation that takes place with having a child. they go from literally not being able to survive outside of you in the womb, to coming out yet still existing almost as an extension of yourself although the umbilical cord is cut.
but that time is short. and soon they begin to embrace their own autonomy. existing solely within and off themselves and not as an extension of you. i pray that although i gave her life, i will always recognize her independence in living it.
so many moms especially, either live through their kids, try to control the kids life, etc. and i understand the desire to do so. it's difficult to resist if you look at your child as an extension of yourself. but they aren't. even as a baby, my a has her own personality, temperament dreams, desires. they might not be fully manifested yet, but they are there, waiting to be nurtured and cared for. and so my prayer is for autonomy, both within myself and within my child.
yes, my identity is forever changed by being a mom. but i can't have it be my only identity. a deserves a mom that sets an example of independence and passion, that shows her how to live this very short gift of life and that offers her the opportunity to be her own person.
i will be her parent and so i pray i will offer protection with freedom, independence with love, and advice with a very soft heart that listens more than it speaks.
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