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Showing posts from November, 2016
it is only within facing ourselves that we can process external stimuli.  it doesn't take much to cloud my mirror quickly.  a couple days without journaling, a couple decisions without much thought... very quickly in our world of things can i lose sight of myself.

“A man’s ignorance sometimes is not only useful, but beautiful, while his knowledge, so called, is oftentimes worse than useless beside being ugly. Which is the best man to deal with, he who knows nothing about a subject, and what is extremely rare, knows that he knows nothing, — or he who really knows something about it, but thinks that he knows all?” 
― Henry David ThoreauWalking


this day, set aside for quiet reflection and thanks and also now shopping, is a mixed bag for me.  in the years past i was always thankful for my family, right? my family and husband and house, etc.

this year i am thankful for myself.  for a self that has kept the fight for over six months.  for a self who refuses to allow a family to break. …
I should have known better
Nothing can be changed

The past is still the past
The bridge to nowhere

I should have wrote a letter
Explaining what I feel, that empty feeling


Don’t back down, concentrate on seeing
The breakers in the barthe neighbor’s greeting
My brother had a daughter
The beauty that she brings, illumination



thank god for sufjan.  this season is so confusing, so many feelings, so little time.  up and down, in and out.  we spin around but we aren't moving at all.

there is still a large part of me that wants to refuse to participate in life since i can't do it perfectly.  i wish i could, i wish i was perfect.  i want guarantees, i want concrete examples of how i will be taken care of forever and ever.  it doesn't work that way - i suppose.  what i want and what i experience are so drastically different.  sometimes i feel it is so difficult to lean into the true beauty i am still experiencing, because tru
i have
  (no anchor)
i float .a.w.a.y.

the grasp (always out of reach)
  goodbye i say, goodbye
wish you well, you say,
wish you well

up here i drift
 am i safe again?
there are no ties,
try to teach me a lesson?
i lash
  o.u.t.

the theme, the theme they cry!
it is forever being
  searched/but
never uncovered

remain hidden
in the clouds
  a.l.w.a.y.s.
in the clouds
  f.o.r.e.v.e.r.

goodbye, i say,
  goodbye.
i remember first reading the giver when i was probably eleven or twelve.  it made a mark on me, being a voracious reader, i probably read hundreds of books throughout middle/high school, but i remember that one.

i was running on the trail the other day, just thinking about it.  the task of holding pain, the task of holding memory.  most who have seen my level of loss are in their seventies and eighties, and it doesn't seem so bad at that point to see all these pages being ripped from your book, because you know that your story is getting ready to come to a close.  the chapters are almost done and although the cross is getting quite heavy, it is almost time to put it down.  that is what seems so much, the weight of this cross for my expected lifetime... it seems insane.

and of course, none of us are promised days, and while i could die tomorrow, a 29 year old caucasian female non-smoker, runner... i would say the odds are in my favor.

it would seem to me that although people woul…
your daughter (our) is the one to hold me through my tears.  it is getting harder and harder to cry.  there is still so much numb.  it's like looking at pictures of a different family, a different girl.  sometimes i wish i had physical scars from what i went through, just so i could see it.  so much changed and yet nothing (everything) looks the same.

it should be your arms holding me, your voice whispering that we are ok that i am ok, that it wasn't our fault (my), your kisses bringing me back down to sanity.

from the moment i met you i felt safe.  i had been through so much in the past year in relation to guys and then all of a sudden, you popped up, and no matter what i said or did or how i acted, you just stayed and stayed and stayed, you proved yourself over and over in the beginning.  and i felt safe.

i gave you my heart for safekeeping - only letting it out when we had children, each of whom have a piece tucked inside of them.  and now, now i only have two pieces rem…
this has been a weird year.  i am sad today, regardless of the outcome, i would have been sad.  this election has been brutal... like most of my 2016.  i just keep picking myself up off the floor.  because addy needs me.

a mom who can face loss, day in day out.  and still smile at her, still laugh with her, still tickle her.  the hits just keep on coming.  it is difficult right now to smile and to keep pushing forward in my life. yes, i've faced personal loss but there is also the future to think about, my kids future to think about.  our country, our climate... it's been a rough ride, a very rough ride.

today though, we mourn.  we mourn, because regardless of who you voted for, this was not a character driven election, we mourn because right now we are sad, and divided, and scared.  today we mourn.

but in my mourning i remind myself that he does not speak for me, or my house, or my kids.  that he has no personal influence on how i treat people on a daily basis.  that regardl…

8 months.

elly,

remember when you were alive and i could take a picture of you whenever i wanted to?  i had no idea what a gift that was... remember when you were alive and i could snuggle you close and listen to your breath?  i did know that was a gift.  recently it seems the breath of your siblings is what is keeping me going.

i am distraught without you here this season baby.  the summer i could handle, the autumn i could handle, but christmas?  christmas without my last baby?  why did i get you just to lose you?  why did i get to see you and smell you and touch you and love you just to have you ripped out of my grasp?  out of my life?

how can we ever celebrate without you?  did you get to dress up for halloween?  addy asked me what you were in heaven, we decided you were a lamb and daddy was a pumpkin.  i hope you did baby, even though let's be honest your mom didn't have the greatest track record dressing up her babies for their first halloween... both of your siblings went uncos…

today.

today you are missed.  like every day precious girl, like every day.  but today especially.  i am sitting in starbucks, thinking about you, crying.

what is it that destroys our spirit?  or are we born with it?  an awareness that no one makes it out of this game alive?

She tips her head to the side and it all falls out.  Everything she has been hiding.  Everything she has been keeping secret.  It is there, sitting in her lap.  And it’s nothing special really.  It’s the same fears and hopes and dreams that everyone carries.  She is not special, she knows this.  There is nothing rare about her.  She floats around in her life wasting it.  We all waste it, what makes a worthwhile life?  What makes an admirable goal?  Happiness?  It is a facade, a mirage in the desert.  There is no happiness, there is only a salivation for more.  There is no contentment to be found, just a fueling passion for better.  There is no saving, there is only dying amongst the wreckage, a brittle pot cast on the st…

the holidays

well they are sweeping in like a hurricane, right?  so many specific dates, so many memories.  this season last year was probably the most exciting time in my life.  i was pregnant, working, i treated buying gifts for my family like a part time job.  i had started shopping in october for addy.  we spent thanksgiving with our friends and then i worked all night at carters.  i loved it, the excitement, all the shoppers, the endless lines.  christmas was magical, as it always had been since 2010 when jim and i planned our wedding for 12/4.

alayne came up and visited us in november.  we talked and watched millionaire matchmaker, jim ran out and got us mcdonalds "you know what sounds good" she came and saw me at work.  we talked about life and what the past ten years had held for us, ten years, ten years of our life had held surprises and hard times but we were happy.  both of us were happy.  she was interviewing for a new job and i remember being so proud of her.  our lives had…