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it is only within facing ourselves that we can process external stimuli.  it doesn't take much to cloud my mirror quickly.  a couple days without journaling, a couple decisions without much thought... very quickly in our world of things can i lose sight of myself.

“A man’s ignorance sometimes is not only useful, but beautiful, while his knowledge, so called, is oftentimes worse than useless beside being ugly. Which is the best man to deal with, he who knows nothing about a subject, and what is extremely rare, knows that he knows nothing, — or he who really knows something about it, but thinks that he knows all?” 
― Henry David ThoreauWalking


this day, set aside for quiet reflection and thanks and also now shopping, is a mixed bag for me.  in the years past i was always thankful for my family, right? my family and husband and house, etc.

this year i am thankful for myself.  for a self that has kept the fight for over six months.  for a self who refuses to allow a family to break.  for a self that will carry her daughter's legacy alone although it is the heaviest burden.  for a self that is doing her damnedest to give her children both roots and wings.  my happiness this year, my thankfulness this year, is not found in my external stimuli, although in 2016 i have yet experienced unbelievable beauty in the times of unbelievable pain, it is found within myself.

and so to myself, i say, you can, you can, you can.  tilt your head to the sun child, it is still warm.  drink the water, it is still cool, rest your feet on the ground child, it is still steady.  the world moves on but you are in it, it moves with you, it moves in you.  you feel unmoored but you will not always feel this way, sink some - but swim more.  fall, but do not stay down.  lift your head child, you can, you can, you can.  lift your head lift your head lift!

for my prayer has always been love

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treat it.

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that person is selfish
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that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
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THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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life we expect over life we're given

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as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life.  everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.
people... i don't even know what that is.  but i know what i want…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.