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this has been a weird year.  i am sad today, regardless of the outcome, i would have been sad.  this election has been brutal... like most of my 2016.  i just keep picking myself up off the floor.  because addy needs me.

a mom who can face loss, day in day out.  and still smile at her, still laugh with her, still tickle her.  the hits just keep on coming.  it is difficult right now to smile and to keep pushing forward in my life. yes, i've faced personal loss but there is also the future to think about, my kids future to think about.  our country, our climate... it's been a rough ride, a very rough ride.

today though, we mourn.  we mourn, because regardless of who you voted for, this was not a character driven election, we mourn because right now we are sad, and divided, and scared.  today we mourn.

but in my mourning i remind myself that he does not speak for me, or my house, or my kids.  that he has no personal influence on how i treat people on a daily basis.  that regardless of who is president the world would be a better place if we all just let people in during heavy traffic.  that the president cannot and will not influence how i treat my neighbors, my friends, and my enemies.

it starts with me, my volunteering, my example to addy.  it starts with a single mom who is confident of herself and her children, who will protect and set an example, who loves everyone even the people spewing hate, but one who will not be walked on, who will stand up for values and women and the marginalized.  it starts with me.

i will not rest and let the government be the change, i am the change.  it starts with me.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …