When I gave birth to my son two weeks ago, I had no intention of being done with blogging.  I was going to come back, share his birth story, and continue on my journey of growing and expanding this blog.

However, I have become more and more at odds with the idea of sharing his birth story.  While most would just say "that's fine, skip it and just jump to the next post" it just doesn't feel right to me.  The world is changing, and while it seems overprotective to just pull everything... I don't feel at ease with posting anymore.  My babies are my life and I want them to be sheltered and protected for as long as possible, without everyone knowing what cute and funny or horrendous things they have done.  I wanted my blog to be my most authentic version of myself and if it can't be that, then I don't feel right about continuing to post.

There is also the time factor, with two kids, my time is precious.  I want to make sure I am investing in something that gives me back what I need, rather than feeling obligated to post. 

So for now, I am done with blogging.  Perhaps in the future, there will be more posts, or different posts.  But for now, I need to hold me and my family close.  Thanks for understanding.

oh baby baby

it is Monday of baby week.  officially.  I held up his little going home outfit to Jim yesterday and said "there is going to be a PERSON in this by the end of this week."  a baby yes, to snuggle and feed and hold, but a person - to get to know, to help develop.  it is overwhelming in the very best sense.

my thoughts on a repeat scheduled C-section are conflicted, which is kind of ironic.  I chose a c-section the first time but since I went early, I never had time to be nervous or overthink my delivery choice.  My water broke at 12:45, my daughter came into the world at 3:25.  I have had a lot of anxiety over the surgery itself and the recovery.  I am very nervous, but I know that there is help around, I just need to be humble enough to ask for it if I need it.

So, just three full days remain between now and when I meet my baby.  I am trying my best to soak up every minute with Addie, who by the way, definitely knows something is up.  She has a baby boy that her great grandma sent her in preparation and she always says "baybay boy!" in this very Irish brogue way, it's hilarious.  She brings up the baby and says "yes" when we ask her if mommy is having a baby. 

I know people do this all the time but I am very very nervous to be away from her.  This will be the first night I have ever spent away and it kind of breaks my heart.  I told Jim last night that I wish she could be in the hospital with us from start to finish but of course, obviously she can't. 

 I have always loved fall and I absolutely am thrilled that both of my kids will have birthdays in the fall.  The changing leaves, pumpkins, apple cider, cooler temps and sweaters.  To me it is almost, if not more so, as magical as Christmas.  There are so many many good things to be thnkful for and look forward to, and while my anxiety is there, I don't want to lose sight of the good.  Of a healthy, stable pregnancy thus far - difficult though it has been, of celebrating two years with my daughter, and of course, bringing a new life into the world that will forever change and shape my family.  I am so very very blessed to carry this baby and I can't wait to meet him.

Happy Fall everyone.

Pregnancy Brain

For those out there that doubt if pregnancy brain is a real thing, I can attest to you it is.  

Yesterday I got this pumpkin syrup from Amazon and I was so excited to try it out this morning with my coffee to celebrate today being the first day of fall.  Only when I brewed my coffee this morning.... it was in a word, horrendous.  I can't even describe the taste to you.  I remembered reading reviews saying, "oh this is bitter, it doesn't even taste like pumpkin pie" etc. etc.  So, being the clever girl I am - I thought to myself "oh Bria, you put too much in" even though I had followed the directions exactly, I figured I had just put too much in for my taste.  So I remade my pumpkin spice latte with significantly less syrup and it was still really bad.

I immediately started planning my return to amazon and was so disappointed that I ended up not liking it.

Until my loving husband shouted from the other room "did you put something in this coffee?! It's horrendous, I can't even drink it"

That's when it clicked... in my nesting mode, I had descaled our Keurig brewer yesterday... which uses white vinegar... except I forgot to do the rinse cycle.  So I essentially brewed our coffee with white vinegar. dis-gusting.

Let me tell you folks, that taste stays with you for a while.  I was eventually able to get it "rinsed" but still, my first beverage of fall, was quite ruined.

About thirty seconds after the coffee debacle, I was making Jim lunch and found the peanut butter in the fridge... Let's all say a prayer this baby comes soon or else I might have to look into adult day care.

As for other news... someone decided to grow up recently.  Be still my heart.  

How did we get halfway through September?

You guys.  Can I just take a moment and say that Adelynn is so good.  Like just such a good kid.  It is easy to get caught up in the hard things of toddlerhood, but overall she is so well behaved.  She rarely misbehaves in public, usually stays close to me when we are out, will sit (somewhat) patiently through my doctor's appointments with me, goes to sleep so well, is so gentle with our small dogs.  I could go on and on but it just makes my heart swell.  Sometimes I don't realize how good she is until I see other people's kids out in action (ya know i'm right!) and you see this wild hooligan running fifty thousand feet in front of their parents screaming like a banshee and just think "holy shit."

That being said.  Not much to report over here.  Tomorrow is my last day being pre-term and so in my head I am basically to term.  While an exciting feat, I have never made it this far before in pregnancy- so I am also like "WTF this gets super uncomfortable at the end ya'll."  I am in that bittersweet place of trying to soak up our last moments as a family of three and also am just super super excited to see that sweet, tiny face for the first time. 

With temps dropping into the 30's overnight here (!!!) it is starting to definitely feel officially like fall.  I, however, am refusing to believe fall is here until he arrives.  I feel like his birth is going to officially kick off the season for me (is that silly?).  Until then I am holding tightly to my summer dreams, even if I am doing it wrapped in a blanket.

Also, I am curious, all you mama's out there with older siblings, how did you do the introduction?  Addy is still young, at almost two.  I know her primary concern will be for me and checking on me.  I mean, this girl has burst into tears at Doctor's appointments over worry for me.  So here is our plan on how we are handling it.  She will be with family while I deliver.  When she comes to the hospital for the first time, I am going to send her baby brother to the nursery so that when she sees me it will be just her and I for a while.  She can "check" on me and we can spend some one on one time together.  Then I'll have the baby brought in so she can meet him with me and we can all spend some time together.  I am then going to send brother back to the nursery so it's not like he gets to stay with me when she has to leave.  I think that will be the best option for our family and for her at tis time.  I know there are a million ways to do it but with her being so young, I think this will lead to the best possible processing of the information. 

I am getting so so excited, and so so ready.  I cannot wait to meet him.  Until then, I am going to soak up these last moments with him kicking away.

a letter to addy.

this is it baby.  we are down to our last couple weeks just you and me.  I looked at your daddy today and I asked him if he thought you were ready.  he very seriously considered the question (as he does all my questions) and said yes, he thought you were.  although, I tend to be a worrier by nature, when I searched my heart, I knew I felt the same way.  I think you are ready.  in fact, in a lot of ways, you seem just as excited as I am to meet your baby brother.

when I washed and folded his clothes, I brought up the laundry basket from downstairs.  I asked you if you knew who the clothes were for and told you they were for your baby brother.  You did your new excited face that you are doing where your mouth opens real wide and you get all pumped about life.  you then went through all the clothes with me and exclaimed "cute cute!" over all your favorites. 

I know it's not going to be all sunshine and roses.  life never is, unfortunately.  but we only know sweet by knowing bitter.  adding a member of a family is a time of transition, for everyone, but I know you will shine.  I hope you know above all, that even when I fail, even when it seems like I am impatient, or you are just getting in the way, my love for you is not wavering.  Even when it seems like all I do is care for him instead of play with you, my love for you is not wavering.  I hope you never ever ever doubt my love. 

Receiving you made me a mom, and I can never ever repay you for that gift.  You have given me my greatest treasure and my most full joy.  I hope that this will be my gift back to you.  A sibling, a (hopefully) big family to give you anchors.  I grew up so lonely as an only child, I desperately wanted a sibling.  My greatest hope is that this will bring you the ultimate in family bonding, someone to go through the tough times with, someone to lean on when your dad and I are old, someone to cling to when things go awry, someone to protect you through life's storms, especially when you feel like you can't talk to you parents. 

I love you.  I know you are ready, I hope I am too.  Please be patient with me as we go through this together.  Know that I will always always be there for you. 

I love you.

alive? yep. still pregnant? yep.

i feel like the only acceptable reason for such a long pause in blogging is that my baby came early.  he hasn't.  I am still pregnant.  however, my hubby did have last week off work and then the holiday weekend as well so we have spent the last ten days soaking up some of our last moments as a family of 3.  last year on his vacation we traveled to NC for half of the time.  while we had great moments visiting, it was so nice this year to do a "staycation" there are so many daily things that he misses out on with A.  It was neat to drag him along to all of our normal outings (zoo, library, ice cream, etc) and not miss naps, not deal with bedtime drama being out of the house, etc. etc.  Addy is a great traveler, but not a good sleeper on trips, so things can become real stressful, real fast.

anyways.  the past 10 days were great.  I have some pictures to share with you.  but alas, not on this post.  just picture lots of my little one smiling, me smiling because I had awesome help, was napping all the time, etc.

Recently I discovered this blog.  Have you all been there?  I love it.  Yesterday her book was an amazon daily deal for $1.99.  While I would still like to get a hard copy for the pictures, I did scoop it up and have already devoured a quarter of it.  She speaks a lot to not being perfect and letting our houses reflect that life is imperfect.  It's really resonating with me at this time since perfectionism is still something I struggle with.  It's hard for me to not wish I was perfect.  It's hard for me to admit faults and say, that's ok.

I can be a very candid person and I have no trouble admitting certain things.  Which is why, for a lot of my life people have thought they knew me really well when they didn't really know me at all.  I've struggled with an eating disorder, I've had debt, I was drinking way too much before I met my husband... knowing these facts can make it easy for someone to think they know me.  The complicated stuff goes way beyond those facts though. 

A lot of my "true" issues, I have touched on through this very blog.  Being too scared to try, being afraid of failure, wanting to be perfect.  These are the issues that day to day, I am trying my best to process and work through.  There is such a learning curve to this life, isn't there?  I guess what I am trying to say is, it's okay.

It's okay for me and it's okay for you.  It's okay to say we don't have it figured out, that we aren't the best parents some days, that we have debt, that we are still renting, that we have lost jobs or walked away from jobs that should have been taken.

It's okay to admit our faults. 

I wasn't meaning to get so heavy with this.  Blame it on the pregnancy hormones I guess, I promise to be back with lighter stuff this week.

ain't over till it's over baby.

I have seen a lot of "summer is ending!" "fall is here" posts.  While I am normally one of the first to jump on the fall bandwagon... this year I am sitting it out.  I am still in tank tops, soaking up the sun, still half-assing it with meals because "who wants to eat when it's 90 degrees out? let's have cereal." and still fully in the summer mind. 

For those with older kids, I know some schools started this week and are definitely starting by next week.  For my husband and I though, he took his vacation late (it will start this Friday after work!) and this is my last week nannying.  In that spirit, I am fully soaking up these last few weeks of our summer, an in between season if you will. 

Staying present in the moments that will wind up being our last as a family of three, paying attention to the new things my daughter is doing/saying every day, soaking up the last of the warm warm days before the cool air sets in (although, at least in Ohio, it's been a cool summer and we have already had some very fallish days), enjoying the parks, zoo, and ice cream places now that they aren't as crowded.  And of course nesting, I am in full blown nesting craziness over here.  Shampooing carpets, cleaning the basements out, wanting to bake bake bake.  In truth though, I don't know when he will arrive.  In my mind, we are in fair game territory.  So really these last few moments before I meet him read like the end of a very, very good book.  They might make you a little mournful, but you are better having read it. 

The next couple months hold exciting things and while I will embrace fall when it arrives... sweet summer, stay a little longer.

what being a mom has taught me about perfectionism

I am (was?) a bit of a perfectionist.  I think this title can mean a lot of different things to different people.  While I definitely wasn't the straight A's in school, leader of the cheer squad kind of perfect, I struggled with it in a different way. 

I never ever allowed myself to fail.

Can you see where this is going?  If I thought there was a chance at failure of something... I would sit it out.  I quit all sorts of things, horseback riding, karate, track.  While, given my coordination, I don't think I would have ever been a black belt, looking back I really wish I would have stuck with track.  I love running now and think my high school years could have been a lot more enjoyable had I had an outlet where I had fun, was physically active, and had some friends.  (that's a bit of a rabbit trail though).

The funny thing about being a mother is, you constantly fail, so just throw those ideas of perfect out the window at the beginning.  There have been times when I have found myself telling Jim how much I wish I could be a perfect mom and he always responds with "she doesn't need perfect, perfect is boring, she needs you."  I think the quote by Jill Churchill sums it up nicely:

"There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one."

The other flip side to motherhood?  There is no quitting.  No escape route, no "well, I tried but I just don't seem cut out for it." Once you are a mom... well better put on your big girl pants cause you aren't getting out of it.  So every day, I have to learn grace, grace for my daughter and grace for myself.  I will yell, I will lose it, I get frustrated and angry, AND that's ok.

I still have worth as a mother, she still needs ME above everyone else.  The biggest failure would be to dwell on these moments.  To not treat them as they deserve to be treated: as a learning experience, yes, but a fleeting moment that has no bearing on how my daughter feels about me or how I feel about her, for that matter. 

By allowing myself to not be perfect, I am also giving Adelynn the opportunity to be failed by people and still allow them grace and love.  In doing so, she will also learn that is ok for her to fail and that she will still be loved.  What a wonderful opportunity for her to have the freedom and courage to embrace her imperfections and go after her dreams - no matter what they may be.  Such truth in knowing - it's ok to fail.

It's ok to go after dreams and have them lost, to know we will get angry and upset, to know that we fill fail the ones we love the most.  To remain in the truth, that in the midst of failure, we are still of worth and still valuable.

and just because....

she has my whole heart and in 22 months - has taught me more than I could have dreamed.  I hope you know how much I love you Adelynn.

a few favorites

a huge storm just rolled in here, and although I am saying a silent prayer to the gods that our basement doesn't get any water in it (seriously right now our basement looks like hoarders... we are just out of room) something feels right about having the storm today.  it's a cozy day, addy is napping, and I am curled up on the couch with my ever present reminder of the baby boy.  we are rolling closer to his due date and while I can wax on emotional forever about it, I thought I would share a couple recent things that have been going through my head.

With Addy finally in her big girl room, the nursery is empty and looking pretty bare.  Most of the stuff is going to stay the same and I won't fully commit to a lot of things until we move but I have found myself wanting to pick up just a couple things for him.

I am really drawn to the idea of using constellations as inspiration for his room.  The universe/cosmos is something Jim has always been so interested in and as I have gotten older I have tried my best to start to study it more.  I think it would be great to instil that wonder in a child from a young age and the tapestry at $39 bucks is a steal and something he could grow with.  But of course, I love elephants too.  I don't know.  I am not into super ornate nurseries, one because our "nursery" is the size of a closet and two, because I hesitate to spend a lot of money on things until I get to know their personality.  Although I know Addy's interests and likes will change, I am excited to get to do her room when we move knowing that it will last her the next 3-4 years.

Also I have been on a little cart splurge at Old Navy.  Basically I have thousands of things in my cart and hope to pull the trigger soon but probably wont.  I do need some new clothes but am wrestling with spending the money.  Especially seeing as I can't wear them yet.  I am hoping for some good sales around Labor Day and will save the rest for Christmas - but here are a few things I am coveting.

I actually have a pair of these skinny jeans waiting for me post-partum.  Lauren from ForLaurenandLauren suggested them as just right for moms who can't handle the down low rise jeans anymore.  Since I am constantly showing crack (literally) I am hoping these work for me. 

I am really craving this dress for the family photos we will have taken after he comes.  I feel like the fit will still be forgiving since I will only be a couple weeks postpartum and am in love with the very fall print.  Can't believe it is coming.

The other's are just comfy basics that also look breast feeding friendly.  Can't say I am looking forward to planning my wardrobe around having to constantly whip out my boobs again but... what can ya do? 

Also my little one turns two in two months and we have already bought most of her gifts!  I am going to work on a currently coveting list for her too though as I have spotted some things I think she would love.

Have a great week!

ps.  I am not being sponsored by Old Navy (I WISH!)  but just really have a cart full of things right now at their website.... :)

8 weeks left.

I am officially as of today, 31 weeks along.  If I go through with a scheduled C-section, the most time I have left is 8 weeks (ohmygoodness).  I am 5 weeks away from when I went into labor with Addie.  The end is coming and is so bittersweet.

I have just a week left of having all three kids nannying plus my own.  They start school the 18th and this will be the first time in a year I am not caring for them in some way, either getting them on the bus or off, or spending the day with them in the summer.  I am so grateful for the opportunity that was provided the last year and loved getting to invest in these kids.  I can't believe I'm not going to hear about their first days of school or hear the whining in the morning "I don't want to go today!" It is for the best of reasons, but it is bittersweet.  Honestly, I just keep reminding myself that even if we weren't adding to the family, keeping up with the schedule would have been too hard and I would have had to quit anyway.  In the summer, the dad drops the kids off at my house since he starts work at 7, but in the winter they have to catch the bus so I have to be at their house by 6:30.  Adelynn's sleep is super important and she just never really adapted to having to be up.

Speaking of Adelynn.  Over the past month she has grown up so much.  I was really having a tough time from about 17-21 months or so.  She was clingy and whiny, she didn't ever want to be alone, she needed to be held, she wouldn't listen, etc, etc.  She is doing so much better.  It's not like I think "well that stage is over, glad we won't ever see her be fussy again" but hey, it's ok to celebrate a good stage without constantly dreading what will change or become more difficult again.  She is so verbal and her imagination has really taken off.  She loves dancing, singing, feeding all of her stuffed animals and coloring.  I am so thankful that we have entered a new stage before baby boy came and am really looking forward to her becoming a big sister.

Speaking of boy.  Holy cow, those final nesting, hormone raging, uncomfortable moments are here.  I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat.  Saturday saw me breaking down because "we have no space for him and it's like he doesn't even exist!"  Jim just looked at me and was like "I don't even know what to do with you."  I am getting so so excited over meeting him, seeing his face for the first time, the chubby cheeks, the curled fists.... and I'm crying.  Getting to create a person is literally the greatest gift.  Having watched Adelynn grow and accomplish has put things in perspective and made this time all the sweeter.  I can't believe I am blessed enough to do it again.  I can't believe there is only 8 weeks left until I look at his face and say "oh it was you in there."  My final ultrasound is in less than two weeks... after that no more glimpses till he is here. 

Also sidenote, we did transition Addie to a big girl bed and I will have a post on how that went!


hello.  seeing as it is Thursday and I can barely keep my eyes open at 1:18pm, I thought I would take a quick minute to just jot down what the eff is up since honestly... you all aren't getting some deep conversation/intellectual post this week.  I mean, let's have a round of applause that I got in two posts in a week.  (HOW DO MOMS HAVE TIME TO BLOG?!?!!?)

This week -

I was watching my baby's heart rate on the monitor at the hospital.  I fell (again).  It was actually one of those things where I was just immediately pissed at myself because hello how stupid and now I have to go to the hospital to be monitored.  It was actually a very casual affair with me waiting until Jim got home and then just driving myself.  Spoiler alert: everything was fine, my 21 month old just needs to keep her toys out of my way! (yeah right)

Searching for patience, and more sleep.  Hoping these will be combined one of these days.  Also ways to maximize our space while we try to make room for the addition.  Ugh, it's been an emotionally up and down week.  Impatience at wanting to move and meet my new son and knowing in the back of my mind to stop wishing the time away because honey it stops for no one anyway.

I have been missing my best friend a lot this week.  She lives in Raleigh and I got to see her a week and a half ago for her brother's wedding.  Ugh, it was such a tease.  Our times together since she moved four years ago have been few an far between.  I feel lucky in this life to have found both my soulmates (spouse and friend) but it's hard being away from her all the time.

Adelynn has been growing up recently.  It's like we are turning our heads for a second and she is just mastering more and more.  I'd like to do a full post on her updates, but in case I don't get to it, here are things she has mastered recently: independent sentences (IE. asking for someone and then asking for an action "TyTy swim" "Leo eat it") swinging on big girl swings, very independent play both a the park and at home, walking and running everywhere, climbing ladders... it goes on and on.  It both breaks my heart and makes me so proud.

I have been doing my best to ignore the fact that in just a couple short weeks my nannying job will end.  I feel goofy over how sad it is making me.  Those kids are just so special and so close with Addie and I'm close with them. I actually had trouble falling asleep last night because I kept picturing them going to school and leaving Adelynn behind.  I know it is ending for the best of reasons and it might not even be permanent (maybe next summer?) but for now it is and I feel sad that my daughters best friends are going to be going away without an explanation that she will really understand...

ugh.  Way to end on a high note.  That being said, the weather here is gorgeous, I have the windows open - air off in the middle end of July....  also holy cow it's the end of July.  Enjoy the (almost) weekend and have a donut for me!

lazy, hazy, crazy baby.

it's summer.  I am actually quit thrilled to see so many of my favorite bloggers taking a break.  It takes the pressure off a bit.  Everyone is out enjoying the weather, unplugging.  It feels nice to breathe the fresh air, have a glass of lemonade, enjoy family, friends, longer days, etc.

That being said, I am now in my seventh month of pregnancy and getting to that uncomfortable, when is he going to be out, pregnancy is so difficult stage.  Truly.  I keep reminding myself that no matter how difficult pregnancy is, it only becomes more so once they are out.

J and I took the plunge and joined our local gym with an annual membership this past weekend.  The biggest draw for us was the pool/aquatic center they have.  I am so so so excited about this.  We paid for a daily pass last week to take Adelynn swimming.  Later that night, she flopped on her belly in the tub and as she was squirming around and said "swimming, swimming."  It was pretty much decided then and there that a membership was going to be a necessity.  It's an indoor pool which takes away seasonal worries and sun worries.  With the baby coming it will be so nice to have somewhere close where Jim can take her for a couple hours and she LOVES.  I am also equally excited about the gym membership... although I am not doing much now (haha!) I suffer from seasonal depression in the winter and am looking forward to having an outlet and a way to train for my marathon.  Even if I only make it twice a week, I am going to love having that time for just me and my goals. 

Lately... this is what we've been up to in numbers

daily wagon rides, number of times having to double back to pick up lost sunglasses - 2

3 - number of hours I made it at the reception and number of people in this picture

1 - birthday pop

12 - roses from my love

12 million, number of times she says higher!

so that's been life lately.  we've been working and loving and living.  some days are a struggle, some I am frustrated.  but overall it's been asweet summer with the promise of new things to come this fall. 

ps. we are going to work on transitioning addy to a big girl bed this coming weekend.  I will keep you posted on how this all goes!

Currently, struggles and wishes!

This post could probably be titled "Things I am struggling with" because right now I am.  I just seem to be in a funk and it's difficult to look at myself, know I am not fully enjoying life, and not know what to do to pull out of it.  I've analyzed and compiled and am left just unsure.  I am not sure if it's the progesterone shots I'm on (that's my likely guess) or just my hormones in general but overall I am left just wishing I was enjoying life a little more.  I am going to do my best to make sure the things in my control like: diet, sleep, and water aren't being ignored and go from there. 

That being said, as of today, we are officially 3 months away from baby boys due date.  It seems really far away and close at the same time.  I am starting to get to the uncomfortable phase where the belly is starting to be pretty big and twelve more weeks of growing seems.... well pretty unfeasible.  On the other hand, holy shit, 12 weeks MAXIMUM to go.  Ummm, let's think about how much we gotta get done in 12 weeks. 

In other news, I thought I would share a few items on my wish list.  Jim and I made the difficult decision that for now house hunting is tabled and we will revisit it in January.  It was made for a myriad of reason the two most important ones being:

1) we will be much more financially stable in January due to Christmas bonus.  Yes we probably could move now but why stress ourselves out for the next four-five months especially with...

2) baby boys birth.  Of course we are hoping and praying for a complication free delivery but one never knows.  No need to compile stress when we can just wait and get him home safely.

That being said.... it hasn't stopped me from reworking multiple rooms and layouts in my head.  Here are a few items I am craving.

1) natural textures like this tablecloth featuring jute

2) this large wooden clock from JBJunkMarket on etsy. I am obsessed with this clock ever since I saw it about a year ago.  The price tag is hefty but I know I would use it my whole life.

3) a new area rug (this one is from amazon).  I am most likely going to be hitting local discount stores for a new rug but I would love something lighter and patterned for our family room.  I am trying to rid ourselves of the brown!

4) a double strand initial necklace.  we haven't decided on a boys name yet but I can't wait to get a necklace with both of their initials.  I love the strong lettering look of this one from ElegantSwan.

5) okay last necklace.  I wear a necklace almost every day, that being said Burnish has become my favorite shop on Etsy for unique and wearable jewelry.  I asked for this necklace for Christmas two years ago and wear it almost daily.  That being said, we can always add to the collection with this beautiful stone necklace featured above.

So that's what's topping my wish list recently.  What about you all?  Any unique items you want to share?

It's Wednesday.  I'm a bit tapped for this week if I am going to be honest.  Addy started on the monitor at five am this morning and I woke up realizing I was in the exact same position that I fell asleep in last night, I didn't even get up to pee. 

That being said, this summer is sweet and full of hope and life and joy.  I have been struggling, struggling in a way of "jesus, this is the fifth freaking tantrum and the clock hasn't even hit 6:30 yet" "holy hell how can I be so mad at such a small human?" and struggling physically.  Adelynn is way more physical than I bargained for and is into climbing e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

That being said.  This summer is sweet.  I am overwhelmed and probably a bit underprepared for the biggest change that will take place in the nest few months but I have a boy that is kicking me every second of every day in my belly and I have a daughter that wraps her arms around me and when I do leave and come back gets so excited she just about has a conniption fit "MOMMY!!!!" I get to end my days with my soul mate and partner.  I have a tan for the first time ever because I actually get to spend my days outside as opposed to in an office.  We have plans for fruit stands and grilled corn, pulled pork and cupcakes.  My family is coming together, we are growing and maturing and laughing and crying, usually every day. 

I struggle with a lot and I don't know a lot, but I can tell you that I can look at Jim and know that he is my soul mate.  I look at A and know that, while she is way more than I bargained for, she is mine and the greatest gift I have been given.  I look at my stomach and know that in a couple of months, for the very first time, I will set eyes on my son.  For now, this is enough.

5 Quick Things

1.  I was lucky enough to be the guest blogger on Wifessionals and Happily Ever Rushed this week.  If you get a chance stop by and check out both blogs - they are great!

2.  Whew, I am six months in to this pregnancy and having a 20 month old is no joke guys.  The screaming... so much screaming.  I am trying to stay positive, on top of things, and just make light of what I can because... holy hell - that scream.

3.  Does anyone else feel in a rut with cooking?  In summer meal planning just goes out the window, ugh who feels like cranking the oven up to 400 when it's hot and muggy outside?

4.  I just really hope this is a good weekend, I have my fingers crossed - smooth sailing in the wiggle household.


ham, that's all I have to say about this.

what i've returned to for maternity round 2.

I think the first time you are pregnant, it's such a shock and experience and honestly - your body has no idea what you are going through much less your mind so in terms of what you should buy, what you'll need to get through being pregnant, etc. it seems easiest to either buy almost nothing (the route I chose) or buy EVERYTHING MATERNITY IN SIGHT.  I was working my first time being pregnant, so using quite a few of my dresses as tunics and adding leggings and one pair of maternity black pants, I called myself set. 

This time around, I am nannying for the summer and I knew I would need to get some new things, I am not going to be chasing after 4 kids in freaking jeans in 90 degree weather, that's for sure.  I wanted to catalogue some new things that I have bought and also some of the good stuff from before that I just can't get enough of.

Aladdin Tumbler:  I got a "free" reusable liter water bottle from the hospital when I had A and used the crap out of that thing.  However, it has seen better days although I definitely still have it stashed up in my cupboard (I mean seriously a liter! Can't beat it!) this has become my go-to.  I have really sensitive teeth and have always preferred drinking from a straw as opposed to a cup.  I like this one the best because:
  • it's straw has a little guard at the bottom to prevent over happy toddlers from pulling it out and running off with it
  • its somewhat spill proof (water comes out through the straw but I can usually catch it before it's a disaster)
  • it fits in my cup holder for when I'm driving
  • dishwasher safe and sweatproof
Gap Supersoft Leggings: I used these my first pregnancy at the advice of some other mamas out there  and loved them but had a hard just time justifying the price.  Since then I have tried pretty much every brand of leggings out there and have never been truly satisfied.  I ordered a new pair and when I got these today I told my husband "the only way I can describe it is your first bite of filet mignon after eating nothing but hamburgers" BEST LEGGING hands down pregnant or not.  Yes, they are expensive for "leggings", do yourself a favor, get a coupon and get them.

H&M Mama Nursing Bra: I exclusively breastfed for 14 months with TWO (2!!) "regular" nursing bras (ie. not sports bras) Needless to say, I didn't really feel sexy just alternating between a patterned bra and tan bra.  I just kinda wrote it off as an unnecessary expenditure and hated all my bras and my time in them lol.  It's not.  When the ahem girls grew this time around, I knew it was time to invest in some bras but I HATE shopping in stores.  I saw a recommendation for this bra and seeing as how they are under 20 bucks I decided to try one.  They are great for the money and pretty comfortable (I mean for a bra ya know)- my only recommendation is size up (in cup and band size), at least in my experience, they seem to run a little small.

Old Navy Maternity Jersey-Stretch Tank: This is a leftover from my first pregnancy.  So comfortable, so soft, not sure why I bought any other tanks.  For the money, can't be beat.

Bath and Body Lavender Vanilla Pillow Mist: One side affect that I have is trouble sleeping/troubling dreams, etc. Like intense trouble sleeping.  One of the things that seems to help me is to have a ritual of doing the same things before sleep every night.  Spraying this on my pillows usually makes the list.  It smells divine and I do feel it at least mentally helps me relax - which is half the battle when trying to get to sleep.

So those have been my go-to's this pregnancy.  I am always curious though - what does everyone else love?

Also - I hope you all are getting ready to enjoy the weekend.  It's supposed to be gorgeous here all weekend long - I just hope my peanut is well enough to enjoy it!

wish list

although we haven't started house hunting yet (school loan problems can ya hear me!) and with the way things are looking it will probably be closer to the end of the year when we actually get to really get down to the bones of looking/buying/moving, I thought I would make a list of things I definitely WANT in our new house.  I am hoping to maybe do a somewhat regular series on our process of moving/buying/finishing things.  After 2 1/2 years renting this home - I have become very aware of some of it's ahem deficiencies.

1. a desk area.  this is crucial for me.  we have a laptop in our living room, stored under the couch and a printer balanced on top of a small filing cabinet in our eating area.  originally we thought we would make the second spare bedroom into an office, but that become our nursery when I got pregnant 3 months after we moved in...  I want a place to feel organized, store important papers, and if it happens, grow this business.  I am not big on working in bed, a couch, etc.  Even now when I write posts, I usually set up at the kitchen table or outside if it's nice to feel like I am "working."

2. a play area, this can be as small as just bedrooms big enough to house "big" toys like kitchen sets, etc. or a separate living space.   our living room right now is small.  for the square footage of the house (just under 1200) it is a little awkwardly laid out and the kitchen is a huge square with a gaping hole in the middle (WASTED SPACE).  Adelynn's toys get stacked on a small bookshelf at the bottom of the steps and while it works for now... we are going to need something larger than a 3 shelf bookshelf ala Target 7 years ago for my junior year of college.

3. privacy.  we share a driveway now (HATE IT) and face a lot of neighbors.  it's not awful, it is an older neighborhood so there is VERY mature landscaping offering nice shade and some privacy but jim and I really want some space to stretch out and not have everyone up in my business all the time.  it comes more from just wanting the option to live a private life more from like NEEDING privacy for some freaky business but I just don't want everyone to need/know when I leave the house every second of every day.  this includes a FENCABLE yard!

4. updated electrical/walls/etc.  I don't mind older homes, in fact most times I prefer the character and styling of RENOVATED older homes.  plaster walls, 2 prong outlets.... I've seen enough of you.  While we are more than willing to work on cosmetic details, we also need to be practical about the level of project we can take on.  More likely than not, we will be moving in with a 2 year old and 3 month old, and I stay home all day - having workers in day in and day out will not mesh.

5. Suitable for long term use.  We aren't really in the market for starter home at this point.  We are two kids in and are planning on more in the future.  We realistically can't "make due" with one bathroom, 3 bedrooms, etc.  Ideally we would like to find our "forever" home but at the very least will plan on staying at least 10+ years.

I know this is going to be a long haul and that we are going to have to be picky.  I am okay with that but part of me wishes we were just in the market for a cute, starter home that we were planning on flipping.  Any tips out there?  I can't wait to start but part of me is DREADING the process!

a sunny end to the week

just to sum up.  this week was rough.  emotionally and physically.  I have been dealing with a lot of issues that didn't hit until much later in my first pregnancy (like swelling and an incredible amount of lower back pain) I attribute much of this to just trying to keep up with my active toddler.  In addition, Adelynn had a rough time adjusting back (her schedule was thrown off completely in Baltimore, 10 pm bedtimes, morning naps, no afternoon naps... etc) and it was basically just a meltdown city for everyone this week.

but finally she slept for 12.5 hours last night and woke up smiling and with the exception of her hating the taste of her new allergy medicine, has been in good spirits since.  I got a half hour to myself this morning that I celebrated with some stretching, a pop tart and a cup of coffee, Jim is coming home for a half day and I am seeing a friend for lunch.  I think a relaxing day in the sun is going to be in order for everyone and I can't wait to kick start this weekend relaxing.

I hope everyone enjoys this Friday and weekend with their loves.  Here are some Friday snapshots.

2o week belly

canoe at the zoo

first time riding in "the big girl car" at the grocery store

cheesin at her great grandparents

morning snuggles from her papa

oh hey, four o clock

How this pregnancy has differed from my first

hi baby

I really could sum this up with the thought: in every way.  However, I really wanted to expound on the idea as it is something I have given a great deal of thought to.  I HATED being pregnant the first time.  Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for my beautiful daughter and would have literally walked to hell and back to get her, but the pregnancy experience?  No thank you.  I thought it was a miserable, soul sucking experience filled with getting fat, bad skin, and just general uncomfortableness.  In fact, I found myself wishing for twins so I could get more kids with fewer pregnancies... 3 kids, only 2 pregnancies - win!

This pregnancy, has thankfully been different- which is funny.  Maybe it's because having a toddler makes you realize it's not all about you and your rounding hips and swollen belly, maybe it's because I have the knowledge of how limited our time on this earth is - much less our time carrying our babies in our belly, but regardless, it's been different.  I am cherishing the kicks and movement and growing belly and somehow the downsides (flatulence! swollen feet! breakouts!) seem pretty limited.  So I thought for futures sake when this is just a memory, I would categorize how this pregnancy differs from the last. 

Although this is touched on above, during Adelynn's pregnancy I was a nervous wreck .  I was constantly analyzing my chances of something being wrong (miscarriage! cystic fibrosis! down syndrome!) and found myself constantly expecting the worst.  I am happy to say that this pregnancy has been mostly free from that.  Of course the day before the first ultrasound I found myself a little uptight and trying to " prepare," but for the most part I have been settled mentally this pregnancy .  I'm not googling syndromes or diseases.  I expect to hear the heartbeat beating healthily when I go to my appointments and for the most part, I have just been relaxed.  I am hoping this continues into when I bring the baby home and it's all relaxation over here (CAN I HEAR A YEAH RIGHT!)

I attribute some of this to the fact that it's my second pregnancy and really the second time you do anything it is easier but also the fact that worrying has been my focus for about a year now.  It's nice to see the positive effect in my life, especially with something as important as my children.  Jim has really helped me work through my worrying but ultimately realizing if I want to shut it off, it's up to me.  Sometimes it's just a decision.

I am carrying differently.  First time I was pregnant I didn't really show until I was about seven months.  I am much more noticeably pregnant and carrying higher although I am still "low" at least in my perspective.

My cravings are different: first time around I am surprised A wasn't born with twizzlers pull-n-peel clutched in her tiny hands.  This time, it's been ALL DAIRY all the time and a lot of salads.  I have pretty much completely given up meat besides bacon and chicken.  I am thankful for my cravings this time but again, am not sure if it's just because subconsciously I am trying to eat healthier or if it really is just different this time.  (the DAIRY is definitely a pregnancy thing because good luck trying to get me to eat "raw" {ie not melted} cheese when I'm not pregnant.... not happening).

My emotions seem to be more in check or I am just more aware of them.  I have had a couple of teary breakdowns this pregnancy (DUH!) but instead of attributing it to the fact that "j doesn't love me anymore" I realize even in the midst of it, that it's just a hormone fluctuation and I most likely need to cry it out and get on with my life. 

I'm not sleeping as much.  There is this super embarrassing picture Jim took of me where I fell asleep on our family room carpet in the afternoon/early evening.  I mean hands curled up under me, mouth open, probably slightly snoring.  Even with keeping up with A, I am functioning best on about eight and a half hours a night and going to bed around 10 or so as opposed to falling asleep at 8:30 EVERY NIGHT!

The main difference this time around....

IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!

and while the gender reveal really deserves it's own separate post.  I am not sure I will get there.  It was a very emotional day and since I was completely convinced it was a girl (!!!!) a shock for me.  Needless to say, we are so excited to start what feels like a new journey and cannot wait to meet our son (!!!) in a couple months. 

I am going to have a son.  With that thought, I am going to kick this blog for tonight and get my dinner - which in case you are curious - is a bowl of cheerios.


FYI: toddlers eat a lot more if you let them have a picnic, no constraints.  That's a quesadilla outside btw.
I wanted to get in this space and write, to pop in and say hello.  It's been a hectic week, my daughter is completely lovable, completely----- she is also extremely strong willed.  This age is difficult, as far as discipline, I am just trying to figure it out.  Her favorite things these days... biting and hitting when she doesn't get her way, throwing her dinner to the dogs, creating general mayhem and loving loving LOVING when I say "NO" I mean she finds it HILARIOUS.  I can't really think of anything more frustrating than looking at this tiny little irrational human who is LAUGHING when you are at the end of your rope.  I love love being a mom, but man, when six o clock hits.... I am exhausted and she is usually crying or getting ready to cry.   

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut totally not the point of me being on here.  I wanted to link up with OT and ET this week to catalogue what is going on.... holla!

I have been writing in my daily 365 journal which I LOVE.  If I don't like the question for the day I just jot a little note about what's going on.  I am so excited to look back in a couple years and see what was up, especially as my family grows!  I am also diligently writing in my weekly pregnancy journal.  When I had Adelynn, I sent out a weekly email but never compiled them and am missing some weeks.  I am doing this one handwritten so I can give it as a gift to my baby when he/she is older. 

I haven't been visiting anyone yet, but we are gearing up for a family trip to Baltimore and a GENDER REVEAL!  Yes, I ordered cupcakes with a colored filling and cannot wait cannot wait cannot wait to let the cat out of the bag about what is in this belly.  It has been so great being pregnant a second time.  When I was pregnant the first time, I was literally a ball of nerves just thinking something was going to go wrong at every turn, trying to plan out EVERY SINGLE DETAIL and OH MY GOD you can't.  It was a stressful experience and I spent a great deal of time worrying about what things could go wrong and wondering "will I get back to my pregnancy size? what if I look like this for ever?!"  It's been so nice to just settle into this pregnancy and enjoy most if not all of the moments.  In the span of life, pregnancy is so short, so it's nice to just relish my changing body, the kicks, and the knowledge that a teeny tiny baby is growing in my body.  HOW AWESOME DUDE!

Learning: This relates back to the first, but I am still learning how to be the best mom for Chewkie.  It's the hardest but most rewarding thing I have ever done and I just want to do it well.  I think this will be a lifelong lesson that I will have to learn and relearn with every child.

I have been wanting just a lot of stuff.  We went through a period where we couldn't buy ANYTHING and I feel like I am just still flying high off of "wow we can afford stuff again!"  Bleh, I need to cut back at looking/shopping on my phone which has definitely been a downside of having a smart phone again.  SO MANY ADS ALL THE TIME!

I am loving taking some time for myself and just working on some updates.  I got fresh highlights, painted my toenails, and have recovered my couch pillows which gave my living room such a LIFT.  It's so happy in there now that some of the brown is being lifted by the happy turquoise and jungle green!

ALSO: coming up, a new bloggy blog facelift!  Erin from Love, Fun and Football has been diligently working away on a makeover for me.  She is AWESOME to work with and in my opinion underprices herself!  Fun fact, we were in the same art class at college together!

SOOO everyone, enjoy your (hopefully) 3 day weekend, enjoy a beer (for me!), and hopefully let the sunshine in!!

it's not about me.

a week ago or so jim asked me what I wanted for mother's day in a "what do you want to do for Mother's day" kinda way.  I asked for a couple hours to myself guilt free, to sleep in and some sort of breakfast.

see last year, my mother-in-law came into town for mother's day and so my weekend was filled with cleaning, cooking and planning - all while still caring for my seventh month old and feeling in general just crazy.  so in my mind I was fully engaged in a "I DESERVE A MOTHER'S DAY! I DO SO MUCH! SO SO SO MUCH!!! NO ONE EVEN KNOWS HOW MUCH I DO!"  and the like.  not a very flattering portrait of myself, but an accurate one.

however, life had other plans.  my poor babe came down sick on Saturday and slept horribly (goodbye sleeping in!) and refused to be peeled from my body for most of Sunday.  we basically were one skin.  I had laid her down for a nap at about one hoping she would go to sleep on her own for a bit and from the kitchen I hear "mommy....  mommy" in the most pitiful voice you can imagine.  So I went up and picked up her little feverish body and rocked her on the floor and she fell asleep.  Eventually I shifted her so we were both laying on the floor and I fell asleep too.  Before I did though, I realized something that it is kind of unfortunate it took me this long to realize - it's not about me.  What I do, day in and day out is not for me.  The cooking, the cleaning, the kisses, the scheduling - it's not for my benefit or for my accolades - it is truly for my family.  For my babe and baby-that's-coming, for my husband who works so hard so I can be at home with our littles. 

And it's funny, that thought brought a lot of freedom.  Freedom from needing the constant affirmations, From needing everyone to realize just how hard I am working for them. 

I am not sure how to wrap this, it's still a new thought and a new lesson that I am sure will be molding my life in the months and years to come but I do want to say.  To all the Mother's out there, salute, we are doing one hell of a job, and if you can remember to say - it's for them.

18 month photoshoot preview

holy shit, because I just can't help myself.

all images copyright Double The Love Photography

so much news

it's May first of all!
THANK GOD I finally see stuff that is green!

one.  I took a bad fall and broke my tailbone last Wednesday, ugh- thankfully baby was ok (confirmed after waiting 3 (THREE!) hours to see a doctor at the ER!)  a donut and Tylenol are rocking as my bff right now and it has been so so so hard not be active with Adelynn. 

two.  right now we are staying in our current house.  we will hopefully be buying in the next eight months or so! (oh my god such big news!) this is such a blessing and we are so looking forward to the next step

three.  let's see some current snap shots!

family shot before heading to our second ultrasound!

this just cracks me up, it's from a game where we nanny at

spring has come!

look at that girl, sitting like a boss at one of my doctor's appointments! so well-behaved!

baby(s) and mama, this is like five weeks old, so not a current belly pic at all

overall, this injury has knocked me on my ass.  I am tired, grumpy, and very sore.  but other than that we are doing well.  I am looking forward to what the future has in store for us and excited about:

learning the gender at the end of May!
warmer weather finally!
maternity shorts
and of course being with my baby all day!

Randoms for the end of March

I am posting from my phone so excuse any typos (which there will be) and the general lack of photos or cohesiveness.

It's the end of March. We have two inches of snow on the ground, my heart is breaking a little right now.  That being said Bed Bath and Beyond is a great place to take a cooped up toddler, seriously.  Not only do they have fun inexpensive treats like bubbles but if you hang out on the sheets and pillows side there are endless things to look at but nothing breakable on her level.

I got my Girl Scout cookies today, a saving grace.

My daughter gets funnier and funnier every day.  I love that she does things to make us laugh and has all this energy.  She gets so much joy out of each moment and it's awesome being able to witness that.

My nannying job is up in the air right now.  Unfortunately it's been messing up adelynn's schedule for a long time and after weeks of no naps and four am wake ups my husband and I agreed something needed to change.  Not sure what is going to happen yet, but something will be shifting.  This decision led to a full day of crying for me and an 8:15 bedtime.

Also phew.  After a relative draught of appointments or get togethers march has been hopping.  We have been busy every weekend and are getting ready to head out shortly to Connecticut.

And I will end on this.  I have been incredibly thankful for my husband and daughter recently.  Not in a "oh I should be thankful kind of way" but in on an inhale-exhale basis.  We have been functioning so well and i feel like I have come a long way in confronting issues when they happen instead of stewing for a weekend and ruining it for everyone.  He has been such a rock for our family recently and it's been nice to think back to how far we've come.  We are in our fourth (!!) year of marriage which I remarked felt significant.  He said it was probably because we have passed the "couple" or "few" timelines.  Almost half a decade people.

Happy hump day everyone.  Here's to smooth sailing the rest of the week!

a letter to a.

dear daughter,

oh my goodness.  you are turning 17 months old in four days.  just a month shy of a year and a half old. 

you are so intentional with your love now.  when you wake up in the morning (inevitably screaming as any time left in your crib alone is too long) the first thing you do when I pick you up is say "hug hug" then "daddy, hug" wanting me to bring you into our room for some snuggles.  we lay in our bed and you say hi to everyone "weo, hug hug, cookie, hug hug, daddy, hug hug, mommy, hug"  but you never really leave my arms.  you are always giving me and your dad hi fives, kisses, and hugs. 

you know all the names of those closest to you, granddad and bobbie, gigi and papa, nana and grandpa, tyty, you ask to see ty on the days we aren't nannying but seem to understand when I explain when we will see him next.  you are ok being left with others to watch over you, reading books and playing just fine when I tell you mommy will be back. 

I am so proud of you vocabulary as you now repeat almost any new phrase you hear.  we were listening to "boom boom aint it great to be crazy" and you go "crazy, crazy?!"  today I was changing a stinky diaper and I go "oh my" and you immediately go "oh my! oh my!"  you are such a little lady now, I am always pinning back your bangs with flower clips, you run along in your little toddler shoes, and your legs are long and skinny.  my happy baby is gone, replaced with a charming toddler.

we went through a rough stage, I was having a hard time with some outbursts and the hitting and yelling.  I wasn't sure I was doing a good job and we felt cooped up all the time.  however, I have turned a corner with you and realized that a lot of it comes from not being able to express yourself (duh!) but also it is just part of the age and I stay consistent with how I handle it every time.  you are normally very good about listening and even when you hit me, I sometimes haven't even opened my mouth to correct you before you go "hug, hug?"

I love you baby girl.  I am so happy to see the start of March and a beautiful spring/summer/year with you.  You are my heart of hearts and I love being your mommy.

I will be forever blessed by you.

out for breakfast 3/1/14

just a mom.

when I first started staying at home, I was really uncomfortable with the idea of being "just a stay at home mom" I was used to earning an income, used to having an identity outside of the home.  So I started a baby headband business on etsy, after all what else was I going to do with all this extra time while the baby napped? (KICKING MYSELF NOW... WHAT THE HECK!)

Needless to say, my business failed, I was at best a poor imitation of some great,

great baby headbands out there.  Plus every time I put them on my little... they just seemed uncomfortable.  Plus she got older, I started nannying and that free time I slowly whittled away and I put my business ideas to rest.

I am at a point where I am comfortable being "just a stay at home mom."  I truly believe that the most important thing I can poor my energy into these days is my toddler who demands most of it.  I don't want to be ashamed of staying at home or raising my daughters.  However, I also don't want to go after dreams just because I am scared.  I was really caught by the quote from Noelle Pikus-Pace who rocked it in the Olympics this year.

"You don't have to choose.  My family always comes first.  I want my kids to know that you can achieve your dreams even as a mom.  I don't want to give up, because what kind of example would that set?  It's about going for a medal along with my family."

I was so caught by those words... you can achieve your dreams - even as a mom.  I know in my heart, that even as a mom and maybe BECAUSE I am a mom, there is something out there for me.  I am not sure what it is going to look like or when it will come to me - just because I feel assured of something in my heart doesn't mean it's coming tomorrow.  However, I am going to put feelers out there in my mind background... what would bring ME happiness, what would be feasible time-wise, monetary concerns aside - what are my passions. 

I know I love to write, even though it's sporadically, I know I love to cook and bake especially.  So this year, I am going to let those things ruminate and know in my heart I am still able to go after my dreams. 

hello hallo!

January is over over over on Friday at midnight!  And although I am all about staying present present present, I am excited to welcome February.

Although February is kind of a trickster, because you think to yourself "it will be nicer" and it never ever is.... it does have the following positives:

it's shorter
it has Valentine's Day (I LAOVE Valentine's Day up in here! yes yes yes, red hearts! cookies! chocolate! bring it on!
it's shorter
march follows it

things have been rough around the edges.  I find myself saying "ADELYNN!" in that sharp tone of voice I thought I would never ever do more often than I care to admit.  I have to remind myself that my toddler isn't doing things just to spite me.  Like when I've made her three separate dinners and she throws my organic ground beef to the dogs...  or when she repeatedly tries to rip out the TV cords... or stand on furniture... or SCREAM at the top of her lungs when for god's sake I am just trying to wipe YOUR LUNCH FROM YOUR FACE.

but life right now is good.  at this time last year, Jim and I's relationship had taken a major hit from adding a child.  It was not an easy transition.  I went from my whole sense of self being defined at work and going out, etc to taking care of a tiny human full time and not working outside the home.  We had trouble communicating, lots of trouble and winter doesn't help any.  It is a breathe of fresh air to be on the same page this year.  We have had a lot of extraneous matters pop up this month that have been outside our control and at the end of the day we have found our comfort and hope in each other.  It's not a bad place to be at.  I am so thankful to have a partner, to have my person.  To look at someone at the end of the day and know that in five minutes, five years, twenty years, that's who I will be looking at. 

Yesterday I told Jim "when Adelynn is grown and married and has kids of her own we will still have each other." It's a sobering thought in more ways than one, my baby who takes up all of my free time now will move on and move out, Jim and I will be left with the foundation that we built and I don't want to be left with a stranger then.  It is part of the reason it is so important to me to keep my relationship strong.  We will eventually only have each other again.  So you have to build this force, flexible enough to handle these outside forces that demand all of your skill and strong enough to just be comfortable with the two of you.

And because this was a total tangent of thought that I wasn't planning on, hello rabbit trail.  I will leave you of a pic of my cutie, cutie, cutie pie, who I should mention, at just shy of 16 months is giving the best fucking hugs you could ask for.  I mean these hugs could bring peace to just about any conflict.  I just stand there and hold this lanky little girl who has her still chubby hands wrapped around my neck and breathe in the scent of aquaphor and eucerin and my eyes tear and my heart stops for that moment. 

sleeping beauty who passed out at Christmas dinner.  lololol.

toddler tantrums... err favorites.

hello toddlerhood.

how nice of you to join us in the dead of winter, in ohio, where there is just too too too many options for us to get out and about.

okay, enough sarcasm.  yes this winter has been/is difficult and I may or may not feel like I am currently an inpatient in an asylum, but I wanted to do a quick post and share what I feel is a true treasure trove.  and that is the following recipe

Banana/Spinach Smoothie:

  • half a banana
  • handlful of spinach
  • tablespoon of peanut butter
  • splash of whole milk
throw everything together and blend blend blend.  adelynn literally EATS THIS UP.  she LOVES it.  I've tried different smoothie recipes with her and none have had the success that this one has.  I think it is the peanut butter as she sniffs every smoothie I make and only really drinks this one.  plus I love that she is getting all the health benefits but especially the RAW SPINACH!

 I make this in our nutribullet in the short size cup which proves to be the perfect size for her but it can easily be made in a blender.  In the summer I will most likely freeze the banana for a different texture/colder drink.

Hopefully some of your toddlers/picky eaters enjoy this as well and I PROMISE to be back later this week with some more posting :)


I started this blog almost a year ago and it has definitely not lived up to what I was planning for it.  I was envisioning a source of income, an outlet, and a way to make friends.  However, this does come at a trade-off.  I am not a fashion blogger and haven't been able to master being a cooking blogger although I would love to.  I don't to great with pictures and haven't been consistent in my posting.  A large online presence comes at a trade-off.  I have struggled this year with giving strangers an intimate view at my day and my daughter's day.  I don't know exactly what the right parameters to establish are and I am not sure where this blog is going to go.

I'm not ready to give up on it though and I am hoping to carve out some time and space to work on this little online presence and develop it, hopefully into something meaningful both for myself and for others (hello run-on sentence!).  Bear with me as I aim to do this but in the meantime...

here is what we've been up to.

had one year photos taken

celebrated Christmas (ahh no pictures yet!) but this was the best and most magical Christmas ever.  my little jelly bean was so overwhelmed when she came down the stairs and saw all the presents.  I don't think she knew what to think but then she saw some blocks and was like "oh cool I get to play with this!" we stayed home for the first time ever and it was wonderful.  I wore leggings all day, we chowed down on monkey bread, coffee, a Christmas ham and mimosas.  My parents stopped by for a couple hours and dropped off our gifts, the wagon was a huge hit with Adelynn. 

made resolutions for the new year.  I have a lot of new years resolutions and I have always enjoyed making my lists and striving to be intentional with my year.  I post my list on the refrigerator and keep track of my goals.  But my main theme for this year is getting to know myself and being ok with it.  I almost want to make a cute wall hang of "Be Yourself" and I know it is so sesame street, but I am 26 and a mom and I don't want this insecurity hanging about any longer.  I want to inspire Adelynn to always be ok with herself whether she loves tattoos or hates them, whether she gets married or stays single, if cats and singing are her thing awesome, if she is more into grunge music and skateboarding - that's cool too.  I am doing nothing for the world, myself, and most importantly, my family but letting doubt in.  Last year I talked worry this year- it's self doubt.  Jim always says to me that I constantly underestimate myself and what I can do.  I resolve to work on this.

enjoying my family - having kids seriously speeds up your life.  one minute you are looking at this tiny little newborn with curled fists and closed eyes and the next thing you know they are walking around, screaming, dancing, just in general having a kick ass time with their life.  My daughter enjoys her life so fully and I want to be just like that.  I spend/spent so much time worrying about things and (soapbox moment) life is SHORT.  Things are flying by faster than anything.  The twenties are a rough stage, you are figuring yourself out, figuring life out, At the start of this decade I was unattached, still in school with no bills or worries, halfway through I had a husband, a household, and a kid!  It's a lot and there are tons of changes, so it's best to just buckle up and enjoy it while you can!