Skip to main content

8 weeks left.

I am officially as of today, 31 weeks along.  If I go through with a scheduled C-section, the most time I have left is 8 weeks (ohmygoodness).  I am 5 weeks away from when I went into labor with Addie.  The end is coming and is so bittersweet.

I have just a week left of having all three kids nannying plus my own.  They start school the 18th and this will be the first time in a year I am not caring for them in some way, either getting them on the bus or off, or spending the day with them in the summer.  I am so grateful for the opportunity that was provided the last year and loved getting to invest in these kids.  I can't believe I'm not going to hear about their first days of school or hear the whining in the morning "I don't want to go today!" It is for the best of reasons, but it is bittersweet.  Honestly, I just keep reminding myself that even if we weren't adding to the family, keeping up with the schedule would have been too hard and I would have had to quit anyway.  In the summer, the dad drops the kids off at my house since he starts work at 7, but in the winter they have to catch the bus so I have to be at their house by 6:30.  Adelynn's sleep is super important and she just never really adapted to having to be up.

Speaking of Adelynn.  Over the past month she has grown up so much.  I was really having a tough time from about 17-21 months or so.  She was clingy and whiny, she didn't ever want to be alone, she needed to be held, she wouldn't listen, etc, etc.  She is doing so much better.  It's not like I think "well that stage is over, glad we won't ever see her be fussy again" but hey, it's ok to celebrate a good stage without constantly dreading what will change or become more difficult again.  She is so verbal and her imagination has really taken off.  She loves dancing, singing, feeding all of her stuffed animals and coloring.  I am so thankful that we have entered a new stage before baby boy came and am really looking forward to her becoming a big sister.

Speaking of boy.  Holy cow, those final nesting, hormone raging, uncomfortable moments are here.  I pretty much cry at the drop of a hat.  Saturday saw me breaking down because "we have no space for him and it's like he doesn't even exist!"  Jim just looked at me and was like "I don't even know what to do with you."  I am getting so so excited over meeting him, seeing his face for the first time, the chubby cheeks, the curled fists.... and I'm crying.  Getting to create a person is literally the greatest gift.  Having watched Adelynn grow and accomplish has put things in perspective and made this time all the sweeter.  I can't believe I am blessed enough to do it again.  I can't believe there is only 8 weeks left until I look at his face and say "oh it was you in there."  My final ultrasound is in less than two weeks... after that no more glimpses till he is here. 

Also sidenote, we did transition Addie to a big girl bed and I will have a post on how that went!


Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

life we expect over life we're given

one of the undying truths i have discovered through this process is that few of us live the life we imagine.  sure, some do.  but most have speed bumps thrown their way throughout life.  whether it's a divorce or death or financial insecurity, many start over, many rebuild, many take stock throughout their thirties, forties, fifties and think "well this isn't where i thought i would be"

granted... all things considered, mine is more tragic than most.  even outside of these most recent events my life has seen its fill of trying circumstances.  by the age of eight i had seen abuse and death in my family.  not exactly what you would hope for, but certainly it has given me the coping mechanisms i have now.  

as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life.  everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.
people... i don't even know what that is.  but i know what i want…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.