a letter to my daughter.

dear a,

time is a fickle friend.  never trust it.  as you grow it will seem as if the time passes slowly, your years marked by half and quarter birthdays, each day you will wake up with the sunshine in your hair and the possibility of the entire day in front of you.  you will wish it away, wanting to be older so you can stay up later, go out with your friends, start to drive, go to college, and then you hopefully will one day have children and time becomes an enemy robbing you of your days, the minutes and hours ticking by faster than you can count.

wasn't it just yesterday you were still curled up in my belly?  kicking me and making all sort of alien movements from the outside?  wasn't it just yesterday i met you for the first time.  your little fists curled into tight balls, your blue eyes closed against the harsh hospital lights.

tonight i held you and you feel asleep in my arms for the first time without being nursed to sleep.  you laid you head right on my heart and i sang you song after song until you fell asleep.  i think we both knew it was something the other person needed.  my lullabies ran out after skidamarink and you are my sunshine so i eventually was singing the lines i know from patience, we didn't start the fire and ain't no mountain high enough.  your lanky legs were splaid out over my legs, your stomach warm against my stomach.  your breathe gentle on my chest.  we've known each other for eleven months darling girl and i would be lying if i said my heart didn't ache for the moments that have passed.  your newborn gummy smiles, your first giggles and how proud you were when you learned to sit up.

you call me and daddy by name now, although it is funny you say "mom" and "dad" more than momma or dada.  i want so badly to freeze you as you are right now, beautiful and perfect, so proud and mischevious but starting to be such a good listener.  we are on the cusp of toddlerhood and as the nights tick by and make my sleeping baby a little older it is hard not to be sad.  but baby, i hope you know how excited i am for our future together.  to know that we will share so many more years together.  i promise to always always always be there for you.  i won't ever leave you or stop loving you.  you are my joy and my heart, one of my biggest reasons for waking up in the morning and certainly the reason i have a smile on my face when i do.

i love you baby, for all of time and beyond,
your mom.

the purpose of working out

for years i have struggled, with my weight, my body image, eating habits, even i would say this extends to my inner peace i have felt.  i have seesawed from one extreme to another (no you don't have to balloon up and down like oprah to seesaw, thirty pounds can do it).

my eating habits have straightened themselves out for the most part.  i am happy with how i eat, feel that i eat well and can definitely tell a difference when i choose to put in crap.  but my work outs are another story.  i am so extreme in them only "counting" a workout if it am doing the hardest level on a videotape or going for a 3+ mile run.  i don't mentally count walking the dogs, chasing my daughter, house cleaning, chasing a toddler, etc.  unless i get a check mark from someone saying "good job you worked out" i haven't let it mentally benefit me instead i let the stress of "missing" a work out eat away at me for the day.

the thing with this schedule though, is that i am almost constantly injured.  i am having trouble with my hips, knees, and back right now and i know that if i keep this up eventually i won't be able to go through the pain.  and the thing is i like running, enough to protect it from my own selfishness.  i don't want to have it give it up because i was killing myself on a damn jillian michaels dvd.

so anyways the purpose of this long stream of consciousness is that i want to change what working out means for me.  to go from feeling the burn to feeling peace.  still completing one long run a week (6+ miles) i want to take the other days to practice yoga, work on my flexibility, and free my hips and back from the pain i have been in.  to all working out to become a source of healing in my life instead of pain.  to not allow my body image and self to be defined by six pack abs and to allow myself a little grace.