Skip to main content

the path.

have you read the children's book "we're going on a bear hunt" it's an old one, this family encounters all these obstacles on a bear hunt and each time they say "we can't go over it, we can't go under it, oh no we've got to go through it"

that's where i'm at.  there is a path laid out in front of me, a path to healing, to being made whole, but it's going to hurt like hell to get there.  i can literally see the pain waiting for me and i'm scared.

scared of what it's going to be like when i clean out his drawers
scared of what it's going to be like when i give his stuff away
scared of what it's going to be like when i find a job
put my kids in daycare
go to bed alone every night and wake up alone every day
being a single mom



the beginning of grief is akin to what i imagine drowning to feel like.  in between numb these waves of intensity hit you with the force of a storm.  it's physically painful, when elly died i could literally feel my heart hurting.  your entire physical system goes into shock.  when jim died, i thought - i can't believe i have to live through this again.

not quite two weeks out and my mind is already insulating itself, the memory of that Thursday has already faded because your body had to forget the pain.  but i can look out over the next year and know more waves will come, more body racking sobs into my pillow will come, the feeling of being swallowed whole will be there and i'll have to battle it.

it honestly makes me a little fearful.  sometimes the worst part of pain is knowing it's coming for you.
i don't know why my life is the way it is.  i'm not sure why i got this hand... why i've known so much loss and pain and tragedy.  but i rest in the fact that this is my phoenix moment.  something beautiful will rise from these ashes.

in the meantime though... i ache for my husband and my daughter.  jim and my ellybean.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

6 years

six years ago today, we met.  i showed up, looking like hell, saw your face and thought to myself "well... you should have dressed better"

six years ago today you caught sight of me for the first time.  i never got sick of hearing it from your perspective.  i remember when we were first together, i would lay on your chest and ask you to tell me it from your side.

six years ago today we sparked.  we spent five and a half years burning strong before being put out.

half the time i'm so mad at you.  as someone who literally never struggled with anger or physical violence in her life it's a strange sensation to just want to punch walls throughout the day.  you left me with so much weight.  the weight of now being the only one who knows what our daughter meant to us as her parents, the weight of that loss being carried day in, day out for eternity.  do you KNOW WHAT LOSING HER MEANT TO ME?  how it ripped my soul in two?  i can't even think about her without being ove…

hold with high respect and a loose grip

when my whole family was alive, i had a contingency plan.  i don't know if it was just leftover fear from my mom passing away when i was so young, but i knew, if i ever lost all my family and i was the sole survivor i would sell everything, move, and spend a year training for an ironman.  i knew that type of mental and physical dedication would be the only thing able to save me after that type of trauma.

in a way, it's almost more difficult this way.  i am left badly wounded but also with responsibility.  only half my family is gone, the other two are still extremely dependent on me.  i am reading No Mud, No Lotus which is by a buddhist monk.  These are people that practice asceticism, no indulgences.  Most of us look at that and think "geez, that'd be tough, to have nothing" but in a way it is extremely freeing.  Most if not all of our fear, comes from attachments, to our possessions, to our family.  It is easy to be happy if your only attachment is to yourself.…