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you will know the absence by the void.

my brother in law was the first to describe the void to me, the night my husband passed we were outside late, sitting on my front steps in the cold air.  he remarked to me that we will always feel the void.

it's true.  my waves have subsided for the most part.  the numb replaced with a genuine contentment, if not at times, joy in my life.  embracing my life, while sitting in the sadness.  but his void remains and will always be there.

when elly died, in a very real and physical sense, a part of me died.  that absence will be felt forever, a brutal scar across my heart.  when jim died it was just this incredible loss. in a way, my entire life as i knew it died.  and i mourn the death of that in a very real way, the death of my future as i had planned, of a job that i enjoyed, of being a "normal" family.

elly will forever remain a part of me, a part of me that no longer exists here in the physical world
jim will forever be a void, a void in my life that no matter how or if i move on will still be felt

at elly's funeral, some of his last words in his tribute were "your death leaves behind ripples of anguish, but your life left behind mountains of joy" i am clinging to those mountains now for both of my losses.  one moment will not define my family's story  the joy will always be there, waiting to be searched out, uncovered, and clung to.  


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dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
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