Skip to main content
marriage is such an interesting facet of our lives.  the intertwining, the compromise, the sometimes very real struggle, and the love.  i was sitting in the social security office today staring at a document that said "the marriage ended with death on April 28, 2016." and i realized... i'm not married anymore.

i had thought about it, obviously at different points throughout these couple weeks.  the brain can be extremely pragmatic even under the most trying of circumstances.  the day Jim died, i remember bringing up life insurance, canceling his cell phone, etc.  it's a survival tool... your brain will lose itself in grief if there is no logic to the unraveling.  

but to see it, legally defined, was so very very striking.  it will be one of those moments that will always be with me in the after haze of these weeks.





the hospital i delivered elly at required a blood work up and "light" physical pre-testing before my c-section.  my delivery was scheduled for monday so that friday i went in at 7 am for testing.  i remember being so scared to drive myself to the hospital.  isn't that silly? the traffic there is busy and i always get nervous driving new places.  i wanted jim to wake the kids up and drive up there with me and wait in the car.... with the two kids.  i was so worked up about this that when i made it there on time and safely, i was so oddly proud of myself.

in a lot of ways, my marriage allowed me to hide.  when there is someone to pick up the slack, there can be a lot we say "no" to because we let the other person do it.  i was especially good at this given just the number of fears i faced in my life.  essentially at the core, not being enough.  now i am suddenly thrust in as the ringleader.  there isn't much i can say "no" to if i want to provide the best for my children and myself.

i have survived some of the cruelest of circumstances and have seen more loss at 28 than some see at 80.  i deserve to dig in deep to the goodness of life, the joys to be had, if for no other reason than i have seen the other side.  there is nothing good to be had by diminishing our own joy, peace, or personal presence.  there is nothing good for my children if i hide and waste away my own being.  

and so one moment at a time, i am rocking it out as a single mom.  

this experience has led me to no longer being able to hide behind fear.  when you've lived your worst nightmare most of your other fears in life seem to pale in comparison.  if i can survive this i can do anything and so the phrase, what would you do if you knew you could not fail comes to mind.

i cannot fail, i have already survived.

Comments

  1. Wow- I am amazed at how insightful your thoughts are- you have such a grip on this you certainly cannot fail! You are very right about the hiding aspect and inter dependency holding you back or allowing you to be complacent. I grew so much after I was divorced! Unlike you, where death took your partner, divorce was a choice I made; nonetheless it is a type of death. Over time, I found courage and slowly gained a confidence I never dreamed of. At times you will be angry, cry inexplicably, or be profoundly lonely Inside even though you may be physically surrounded by others. You will not come through it unscathed, but come through you will---and grow immensely in the end.
    These children your love created will be your ultimate motivation and stronghold; your joy in them will continue to give you strength. You also have an astounding support network as I did; don't be afraid to utilize that! Constantly challenge yourself and ask "what if?" And when you feel overwhelmed or want someone else to be the strong one, take a breath and reach out to your support network. Be patient - it takes alot of time, but you are strong and determined, which will allow you to go places you never dreamed. It does not mean you will ever forget that love, but over time you will learn to move beyond it to achieve a new and different level of happiness for you and your children. Bravo to you Bria��

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

life we expect over life we're given

one of the undying truths i have discovered through this process is that few of us live the life we imagine.  sure, some do.  but most have speed bumps thrown their way throughout life.  whether it's a divorce or death or financial insecurity, many start over, many rebuild, many take stock throughout their thirties, forties, fifties and think "well this isn't where i thought i would be"



granted... all things considered, mine is more tragic than most.  even outside of these most recent events my life has seen its fill of trying circumstances.  by the age of eight i had seen abuse and death in my family.  not exactly what you would hope for, but certainly it has given me the coping mechanisms i have now.  

as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life.  everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.
people... i don't even know what that is.  but i know what i want…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.