when you try to move mountains

i've been trying recently.  trying with great ferocity to force puzzle pieces into place.  to announce to others "I've figured it out, I've got it under control, don't worry about me!"

Addy is turning into quite a swimmer, my parents were visiting over the weekend and they were teaching her how to float.  "relax" they would say, "don't tense up, just relax" that's when we float.  fast forward to sunday morning, worship leader shared a story about trying to move the mountains and God just kind of being like "okay, listen can you just get out of the way so i can do my job?"

my focus has been off recently, i've been very inward focused, trying to coordinate my rubiks cube to my specifications, "okay to get yellow over there, let's move the green" but my efforts have been frustrated.  i've been searching for meaning when there is already meaning to be had.

today i am thankful.  thankful for fresh starts even after messing up.
for the joy in my heart that can only come from my creator

you guys, i have joy.  true joy, alongside the sadness.  and it comes when i relax, when i *float*

here are the things i don't have-

a decision from my grad school program
a full time job
a husband (LOL)
close friends in NC that are also moms
things that i thought would have fallen into place right now

and yet, i can sit here, and think i am joyful.  i am content, i pray for contentment guys.  i pray for joy in my circumstances.  i pray for a grateful heart that isn't too selfish to give back what has been given to me.

i don't want to miss the view because i'm too busy looking at the ground.
thank you God for second chances.
there is so much more sharing that goes on when it is difficult, is there not?  it's been a jumble recently.  

on sunday, alayne and i were sitting together and i comment "i don't know what i am doing" 
she replies, "this afternoon?"
i say, "with my life"

and never have i had such an organic interaction that is so representative of our two personalities.  i turned thirty on saturday and while many i think experience this introspective scope of life at thirty, i've been doing that my whole life.  

i mean, i think i was 25 or 26 when i looked up what day of the week my thirtieth would be so i would know when to plan my party.  this is my life, my mind can be a truly exhausting place to be.  i talked to my counselor about it and he stated that when you experience trauma or loss at an early age, it can be extremely difficult to have that immortality viewpoint that so many young people can hold on to.  while there is value in this for me, it creates a certain weight to each day.  a certain knowledge that time is so finite and what truly matters.

it's hard for me to watch tv without feeling guilty
it's hard for me to just relax without guilt

the answer of course is constantly, not enough.  

i realised recently, that this past year, i have put an immense amount of pressure on myself to make their deaths mean something.  the weight of that, of bringing meaning to the death's of two of my immediate family members has started to crush me.  i am following these rabbit trails and realising nothing seems to be adding up.

i am tired.  exhausted really.  
when everything happened, there was this spotlight that was thrust on me.  it was weird and bizarre but it created this complexity of "yes, this all must mean something, i must need to share it"

now the dust has settled, and i realise, i need to withdraw for a little bit.  i need to focus on my kids for a little bit, i want to be normal for a little bit.  i want to cultivate what is placed in front of me right now, because it's really, really good.

zooming the lens a bit, to what is framed in my view.  

wishers just keep on wishing, it just never comes to fruition

i wish i had more words to share.  i wish i could just flick a switch and suddenly "cue the lights" my life is set.  maybe i don't wish that, that was when the shoe dropped last time.

i wish i had words for what i feel in my heart, for how i am coping, living, learning.  for the dualism that consistently resides in me.  the great ache for those who have left, the ever expanding heart for those i have here.

i remember as a teenager asking my dad who he loved more, gail or my mom, he said, neither it's just different.  i didn't understand it at the time.  my love was ranked, qualified.  my best friends listed in numbers, my crushes listed from hottest to not.  it was oh so black and white.

now i rest in grey matter.
rest is the wrong word,
it's anything (but)

sometimes i yearn for the simplicity of black and white, for waking up, ranking my life in quantifiable and definitive movements.

life is so much messier than i expected

it seems cruel to miss this much.
you are always missed love, i hope you know that.
i hope you know we wish you were here.  i hope you know that i wish i was still yours.  i wish you would have given me a choice that day.  i wish you would have given me some inkling of what was happening.  i wish we had our house and our friends in ohio.  do you know how much you changed for me?  do you know how close you came to breaking me?

the moments that i miss with you come more frequently now, the anger is fading and instead i am left with faded memories.  what used to be sharp has been dulled with anger and pain.  what used to be clear is fuzzy from the damage done.  will it always be this way?  addy and i talked about going to malley's and getting your favorite gummy cherries, has it really been so long?  since i got you a savage biscuit because despite my prodding you never could kick that mcdonalds habit?

"you know what sounds good?"

you know what sounds good love?  you being here, for me, for your daughter, for your family.  i miss everything with an ache that will never fill all the way.  i miss you with an emptiness that will never come back.

life is so much messier than i expected

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