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wishers just keep on wishing, it just never comes to fruition

i wish i had more words to share.  i wish i could just flick a switch and suddenly "cue the lights" my life is set.  maybe i don't wish that, that was when the shoe dropped last time.


i wish i had words for what i feel in my heart, for how i am coping, living, learning.  for the dualism that consistently resides in me.  the great ache for those who have left, the ever expanding heart for those i have here.

i remember as a teenager asking my dad who he loved more, gail or my mom, he said, neither it's just different.  i didn't understand it at the time.  my love was ranked, qualified.  my best friends listed in numbers, my crushes listed from hottest to not.  it was oh so black and white.

now i rest in grey matter.
rest is the wrong word,
it's anything (but)

sometimes i yearn for the simplicity of black and white, for waking up, ranking my life in quantifiable and definitive movements.



life is so much messier than i expected


it seems cruel to miss this much.
you are always missed love, i hope you know that.
i hope you know we wish you were here.  i hope you know that i wish i was still yours.  i wish you would have given me a choice that day.  i wish you would have given me some inkling of what was happening.  i wish we had our house and our friends in ohio.  do you know how much you changed for me?  do you know how close you came to breaking me?

the moments that i miss with you come more frequently now, the anger is fading and instead i am left with faded memories.  what used to be sharp has been dulled with anger and pain.  what used to be clear is fuzzy from the damage done.  will it always be this way?  addy and i talked about going to malley's and getting your favorite gummy cherries, has it really been so long?  since i got you a savage biscuit because despite my prodding you never could kick that mcdonalds habit?

"you know what sounds good?"

you know what sounds good love?  you being here, for me, for your daughter, for your family.  i miss everything with an ache that will never fill all the way.  i miss you with an emptiness that will never come back.

life is so much messier than i expected

cleanup aisle 3.

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this year i felt the church's love in a way i have never before felt
this year i was able to take my kids on a disney cruise because of my co-workers at carters and the fundraiser they did for me
this year i was able to move because people came and packed and loaded me and helped with the cost of moving
this year my kids had a play set built for them while they were in another state
this year we imposed on people over and over again with our loud, yelling and crying little family of three
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