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when you try to move mountains

i've been trying recently.  trying with great ferocity to force puzzle pieces into place.  to announce to others "I've figured it out, I've got it under control, don't worry about me!"

Addy is turning into quite a swimmer, my parents were visiting over the weekend and they were teaching her how to float.  "relax" they would say, "don't tense up, just relax" that's when we float.  fast forward to sunday morning, worship leader shared a story about trying to move the mountains and God just kind of being like "okay, listen can you just get out of the way so i can do my job?"

my focus has been off recently, i've been very inward focused, trying to coordinate my rubiks cube to my specifications, "okay to get yellow over there, let's move the green" but my efforts have been frustrated.  i've been searching for meaning when there is already meaning to be had.

today i am thankful.  thankful for fresh starts even after messing up.
for the joy in my heart that can only come from my creator

you guys, i have joy.  true joy, alongside the sadness.  and it comes when i relax, when i *float*

here are the things i don't have-

a decision from my grad school program
a full time job
benefits
a husband (LOL)
close friends in NC that are also moms
things that i thought would have fallen into place right now

and yet, i can sit here, and think i am joyful.  i am content, i pray for contentment guys.  i pray for joy in my circumstances.  i pray for a grateful heart that isn't too selfish to give back what has been given to me.

i don't want to miss the view because i'm too busy looking at the ground.
thank you God for second chances.

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dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

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the depth of my pain this year has been, at times, unbearable to the point where i wished for death.

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this year i felt the church's love in a way i have never before felt
this year i was able to take my kids on a disney cruise because of my co-workers at carters and the fundraiser they did for me
this year i was able to move because people came and packed and loaded me and helped with the cost of moving
this year my kids had a play set built for them while they were in another state
this year we imposed on people over and over again with our loud, yelling and crying little family of three
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