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Showing posts from February, 2017
"how will she open the presents we get her if she is in heaven?"
-when you encounter death at four





i sit here.  in sweats, hair pulled back, open bud light leftover from when jill visited me next to me.  memories have been coming more frequently.  today i had to take a break from work and pen a quick letter to jim because i missed him so much i couldn't concentrate.

life is so fluid, my life felt so concrete before.  i fought the most difficult battle of my life and the honest truth is, i'm still struggling in so many ways.  i don't know what i am doing, i know what i feel meant in my heart to do.  i don't have room to take much into account other than my immediate needs and the needs of my children.

i wish she had lived.  i wish i would have died instead.  i wish tough times guaranteed a smooth path. i wish i could hold her one more time.  i wish i would have gotten her that morning.  i wish her eyes could lock with mine again.  i wish she could open her p…

fool me once.

we all judge stereotypes
until we live them.

i am tired (you are too)
i used to have your best hours
now i have tired ones
your eyes are questioning

you scream most of the time
i am home
you ask for your babysitter
(don't you want me?)

am i still your mom?
do i still count if there is
always someone else feeding you
hugging you
kissing your wounds

now i seem to only cause them
i used to bandage
now i am worn to the bone
what is my role?
why does it feel like a
reunion when i finally get to see you

my heart is torn.
my dears (know that i tried)
know i did what was necessary
my dears, my dears
(i wish i was kissing your wounds)
my dears, my dears

i trust that the stars hold the secret
to our union, to our ever lasting union
and i know (because of elly of course)
i know that we are not limited by physical
space and time

your mom is always with you
when we sit on the couch in the morning
i focus on melding our energies together
(as much as possible)
i mentally focus on the atoms swirl…

to elly

the ocean still kisses the shore no matter how many times it is pushed away
(paraphrased from sarah kay, no matter the wreckage)


personally i've never understood those people that say they aren't "beach people."  i get it, i get that sand sticks to you and the wind gets in your hair and lifts it up and puts tangles in it, i get that there is a quiet discomfort in being surrounded on all sides with a force that is much greater than you.  i think that's why i'm so attracted to it.

the waves are unrelenting.  never ceasing, they sometimes seem to reach their goal, enveloping the sand.  at other times, they seem so far away, leaving yards and yards of beaches for creature use.  the waves endure storms and at other times are as smooth as glass.

sometimes, i'll be sitting and a wave comes.  it will be innocent enough, out with friends, waiting for a counseling appt.  and the wave comes and i'm lost, lost in my thoughts, lost in my grief, lost in the ocean…