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to elly

the ocean still kisses the shore no matter how many times it is pushed away
(paraphrased from sarah kay, no matter the wreckage)

personally i've never understood those people that say they aren't "beach people."  i get it, i get that sand sticks to you and the wind gets in your hair and lifts it up and puts tangles in it, i get that there is a quiet discomfort in being surrounded on all sides with a force that is much greater than you.  i think that's why i'm so attracted to it.

the waves are unrelenting.  never ceasing, they sometimes seem to reach their goal, enveloping the sand.  at other times, they seem so far away, leaving yards and yards of beaches for creature use.  the waves endure storms and at other times are as smooth as glass.

sometimes, i'll be sitting and a wave comes.  it will be innocent enough, out with friends, waiting for a counseling appt.  and the wave comes and i'm lost, lost in my thoughts, lost in my grief, lost in the ocean.

the pain will never truly heal, not in full.  we are damaged, incomplete people, unable to fully heal.  lately i've been thinking about my capacity of love.  since i was fourteen, i've had a very firm "f you" clause basically.  when you experience great loss in your neurological development years, it is impossible to not incorporate that into your development.

i was discussing this idea with my counselor the other day.  the fact that many tend to view my as more fragile after all of these trials.  i, at times, encounter a sense of "don't break her."  when i hear that, i just take a step back and think "what makes you think you can?"  if i haven't been broken yet, i can guarantee you, nothing except the remote possibility of something happening to lane and addy will.

sometimes when i am out with addy and lane, i let myself imagine what it would be like if elly was here.  what she'd be doing, what she'd look like.  she'd be pulling herself up, getting close to walking, her chunky thighs rubbing together, wild brown hair in a constant state of untidiness.  sometimes it hurts, sometimes it is comforting.


today it hurts.  today i miss you and kissing your cheeks and your thighs and your belly.  today i miss your babbles that would surely be pouring out of your mouth by now.  today i think about what it would be like if lane had his "baby" and addy had her sister.  we would probably be getting you ready to share a room.  i was so excited for my girls to share a room.

somehow i have to fight for acceptance that this life was not to be.  you know the idea of alternate universes where for every decision you make it spirals an alternate universe where that decision plays out.  sometimes i hope that's true.  that somewhere there is a universe where i get to hold you and kiss  you and see you grow up.  a universe where the five of us are together.  a universe that lets me get what i thought i was going to have.

but i am your mom baby, i am your mom and i will make you proud.  i won't let you or your siblings down.  i'm scared baby, i'm scared of your birthday.  i don't know what to do.  the day seems empty and hollow without you here.  from february  13 to april 28, i have a barrage of days.  five dates, five dates full of pain.  and i don't want to board that train.  the train of reliving the horror, i don't think i'd be paying honor to anyone by doing that.

i don't know if i'm strong enough for your birthday baby.  i miss you so much, i wish you were here to celebrate with me.  i wish i was making you cupcakes.  i wish i was doing your mermaid party.

i wish i wish i wish... i hope in the alternate universe you get all those things.  i hope that mom doesn't lose her patience much.  i hope you know how much i fucking love you and how that love lives eternally.  i hope you know that i consider it an honor to be your mom and that even though i don't mention you to everyone it is out of respect of a sacredness to our bond and the pain i endure for you.  i hope you know i never regret having met you and that i consider it an honor to carry the weight of you birth, life and death.  i will carry it well elly, because you and your life deserve that.

i love you.  i love you with the pain and the joy. i love you with the ache and the healing.  i love you with all that i have and all that i am forever and ever and ever.  you never truly belonged to me but we are tied together forever, my daughter.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

no matter how many times i'm pushed away, i'll never stop kissing that shore baby girl.
love always,
your mom.


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