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fool me once.

we all judge stereotypes
until we live them.

i am tired (you are too)
i used to have your best hours
now i have tired ones
your eyes are questioning

you scream most of the time
i am home
you ask for your babysitter
(don't you want me?)

am i still your mom?
do i still count if there is
always someone else feeding you
hugging you
kissing your wounds

now i seem to only cause them
i used to bandage
now i am worn to the bone
what is my role?
why does it feel like a
reunion when i finally get to see you

my heart is torn.
my dears (know that i tried)
know i did what was necessary
my dears, my dears
(i wish i was kissing your wounds)
my dears, my dears

i trust that the stars hold the secret
to our union, to our ever lasting union
and i know (because of elly of course)
i know that we are not limited by physical
space and time

your mom is always with you
when we sit on the couch in the morning
i focus on melding our energies together
(as much as possible)
i mentally focus on the atoms swirling
strengthening the bond

so that when we are apart
the strength is there
my stardust is there
keeping (always keeping)
you know that (wedding/funeral)
youarethewonder
keepingmystars
A P A R T

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

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that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
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THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …