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the best thing about the bad days is knowing that they end eventually.

i haven't slept much this week.  i've struggled with shutting my mind down at night, relaxing.  in turn it leads to bad days, me snapping at the kids.  everyone is struggling through this.  nugget has been so fussy all week and i took him to his ENT apt today- turns out he has another ear infection and will need (very minor) surgery.

and i just got so angry.  so angry that my husband isn't here for his son's surgery.  that he couldn't stick it out to make sure his family was ok.  the feeling of complete abandonment is very real.  this broken heart that i am left with after i entrusted it to someone else.

and yet- i am not abandoned.  not even in the slightest, the absolute beauty of the human spirit is so clearly shown in crisis.  i have been surrounded by love since this happened.

there are these constant reminders that show up.  messages, cards, support.

after i had addy, i listened to florence and the machine's album ceremonials on repeat.  while i wouldn't go so far as to say i was PPD, the feeling of losing my identity in quitting my job and becoming a mom was very real.  there are albums that immediately take you to a process.  it goes beyond a certain song reminding you of something to bringing you to a process, an understanding of what those days, months, years led you to.

i am pretty sure that sia's this is acting and healing is difficult are going to be those albums for me.  she lost her boyfriend in a car accident which is where healing is difficult came from.  i haven't been able to stop listening to either.  these struggles we face, this healing, this pain, this life, it's intense.  intensely felt, intensely hurt.

jim would always tell me, you can't have the highs without the lows.  if so i'm set for some pretty intense highs coming my way.


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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable

there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

life we expect over life we're given

one of the undying truths i have discovered through this process is that few of us live the life we imagine.  sure, some do.  but most have speed bumps thrown their way throughout life.  whether it's a divorce or death or financial insecurity, many start over, many rebuild, many take stock throughout their thirties, forties, fifties and think "well this isn't where i thought i would be"

granted... all things considered, mine is more tragic than most.  even outside of these most recent events my life has seen its fill of trying circumstances.  by the age of eight i had seen abuse and death in my family.  not exactly what you would hope for, but certainly it has given me the coping mechanisms i have now.  

as i navigate these next steps, the great unknown, there are many that have opinions and voices into my life.  everyone wants what's best for me and everyone has their own idea of what that is.
people... i don't even know what that is.  but i know what i want…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.