the best thing about the bad days is knowing that they end eventually.

i haven't slept much this week.  i've struggled with shutting my mind down at night, relaxing.  in turn it leads to bad days, me snapping at the kids.  everyone is struggling through this.  nugget has been so fussy all week and i took him to his ENT apt today- turns out he has another ear infection and will need (very minor) surgery.

and i just got so angry.  so angry that my husband isn't here for his son's surgery.  that he couldn't stick it out to make sure his family was ok.  the feeling of complete abandonment is very real.  this broken heart that i am left with after i entrusted it to someone else.

and yet- i am not abandoned.  not even in the slightest, the absolute beauty of the human spirit is so clearly shown in crisis.  i have been surrounded by love since this happened.

there are these constant reminders that show up.  messages, cards, support.

after i had addy, i listened to florence and the machine's album ceremonials on repeat.  while i wouldn't go so far as to say i was PPD, the feeling of losing my identity in quitting my job and becoming a mom was very real.  there are albums that immediately take you to a process.  it goes beyond a certain song reminding you of something to bringing you to a process, an understanding of what those days, months, years led you to.

i am pretty sure that sia's this is acting and healing is difficult are going to be those albums for me.  she lost her boyfriend in a car accident which is where healing is difficult came from.  i haven't been able to stop listening to either.  these struggles we face, this healing, this pain, this life, it's intense.  intensely felt, intensely hurt.

jim would always tell me, you can't have the highs without the lows.  if so i'm set for some pretty intense highs coming my way.

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