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dawn.

the best thing about the bad days is knowing that they end eventually.

i haven't slept much this week.  i've struggled with shutting my mind down at night, relaxing.  in turn it leads to bad days, me snapping at the kids.  everyone is struggling through this.  nugget has been so fussy all week and i took him to his ENT apt today- turns out he has another ear infection and will need (very minor) surgery.

and i just got so angry.  so angry that my husband isn't here for his son's surgery.  that he couldn't stick it out to make sure his family was ok.  the feeling of complete abandonment is very real.  this broken heart that i am left with after i entrusted it to someone else.

and yet- i am not abandoned.  not even in the slightest, the absolute beauty of the human spirit is so clearly shown in crisis.  i have been surrounded by love since this happened.

there are these constant reminders that show up.  messages, cards, support.






after i had addy, i listened to florence and the machine's album ceremonials on repeat.  while i wouldn't go so far as to say i was PPD, the feeling of losing my identity in quitting my job and becoming a mom was very real.  there are albums that immediately take you to a process.  it goes beyond a certain song reminding you of something to bringing you to a process, an understanding of what those days, months, years led you to.

i am pretty sure that sia's this is acting and healing is difficult are going to be those albums for me.  she lost her boyfriend in a car accident which is where healing is difficult came from.  i haven't been able to stop listening to either.  these struggles we face, this healing, this pain, this life, it's intense.  intensely felt, intensely hurt.

jim would always tell me, you can't have the highs without the lows.  if so i'm set for some pretty intense highs coming my way.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …