Skip to main content

How this pregnancy has differed from my first



hi baby


I really could sum this up with the thought: in every way.  However, I really wanted to expound on the idea as it is something I have given a great deal of thought to.  I HATED being pregnant the first time.  Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for my beautiful daughter and would have literally walked to hell and back to get her, but the pregnancy experience?  No thank you.  I thought it was a miserable, soul sucking experience filled with getting fat, bad skin, and just general uncomfortableness.  In fact, I found myself wishing for twins so I could get more kids with fewer pregnancies... 3 kids, only 2 pregnancies - win!

This pregnancy, has thankfully been different- which is funny.  Maybe it's because having a toddler makes you realize it's not all about you and your rounding hips and swollen belly, maybe it's because I have the knowledge of how limited our time on this earth is - much less our time carrying our babies in our belly, but regardless, it's been different.  I am cherishing the kicks and movement and growing belly and somehow the downsides (flatulence! swollen feet! breakouts!) seem pretty limited.  So I thought for futures sake when this is just a memory, I would categorize how this pregnancy differs from the last. 

Although this is touched on above, during Adelynn's pregnancy I was a nervous wreck .  I was constantly analyzing my chances of something being wrong (miscarriage! cystic fibrosis! down syndrome!) and found myself constantly expecting the worst.  I am happy to say that this pregnancy has been mostly free from that.  Of course the day before the first ultrasound I found myself a little uptight and trying to " prepare," but for the most part I have been settled mentally this pregnancy .  I'm not googling syndromes or diseases.  I expect to hear the heartbeat beating healthily when I go to my appointments and for the most part, I have just been relaxed.  I am hoping this continues into when I bring the baby home and it's all relaxation over here (CAN I HEAR A YEAH RIGHT!)

I attribute some of this to the fact that it's my second pregnancy and really the second time you do anything it is easier but also the fact that worrying has been my focus for about a year now.  It's nice to see the positive effect in my life, especially with something as important as my children.  Jim has really helped me work through my worrying but ultimately realizing if I want to shut it off, it's up to me.  Sometimes it's just a decision.

I am carrying differently.  First time I was pregnant I didn't really show until I was about seven months.  I am much more noticeably pregnant and carrying higher although I am still "low" at least in my perspective.

My cravings are different: first time around I am surprised A wasn't born with twizzlers pull-n-peel clutched in her tiny hands.  This time, it's been ALL DAIRY all the time and a lot of salads.  I have pretty much completely given up meat besides bacon and chicken.  I am thankful for my cravings this time but again, am not sure if it's just because subconsciously I am trying to eat healthier or if it really is just different this time.  (the DAIRY is definitely a pregnancy thing because good luck trying to get me to eat "raw" {ie not melted} cheese when I'm not pregnant.... not happening).

My emotions seem to be more in check or I am just more aware of them.  I have had a couple of teary breakdowns this pregnancy (DUH!) but instead of attributing it to the fact that "j doesn't love me anymore" I realize even in the midst of it, that it's just a hormone fluctuation and I most likely need to cry it out and get on with my life. 

I'm not sleeping as much.  There is this super embarrassing picture Jim took of me where I fell asleep on our family room carpet in the afternoon/early evening.  I mean hands curled up under me, mouth open, probably slightly snoring.  Even with keeping up with A, I am functioning best on about eight and a half hours a night and going to bed around 10 or so as opposed to falling asleep at 8:30 EVERY NIGHT!

The main difference this time around....



IT'S A BOY!!!!!!!


and while the gender reveal really deserves it's own separate post.  I am not sure I will get there.  It was a very emotional day and since I was completely convinced it was a girl (!!!!) a shock for me.  Needless to say, we are so excited to start what feels like a new journey and cannot wait to meet our son (!!!) in a couple months. 


I am going to have a son.  With that thought, I am going to kick this blog for tonight and get my dinner - which in case you are curious - is a bowl of cheerios.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …