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How did we get halfway through September?

You guys.  Can I just take a moment and say that Adelynn is so good.  Like just such a good kid.  It is easy to get caught up in the hard things of toddlerhood, but overall she is so well behaved.  She rarely misbehaves in public, usually stays close to me when we are out, will sit (somewhat) patiently through my doctor's appointments with me, goes to sleep so well, is so gentle with our small dogs.  I could go on and on but it just makes my heart swell.  Sometimes I don't realize how good she is until I see other people's kids out in action (ya know i'm right!) and you see this wild hooligan running fifty thousand feet in front of their parents screaming like a banshee and just think "holy shit."



That being said.  Not much to report over here.  Tomorrow is my last day being pre-term and so in my head I am basically to term.  While an exciting feat, I have never made it this far before in pregnancy- so I am also like "WTF this gets super uncomfortable at the end ya'll."  I am in that bittersweet place of trying to soak up our last moments as a family of three and also am just super super excited to see that sweet, tiny face for the first time. 

With temps dropping into the 30's overnight here (!!!) it is starting to definitely feel officially like fall.  I, however, am refusing to believe fall is here until he arrives.  I feel like his birth is going to officially kick off the season for me (is that silly?).  Until then I am holding tightly to my summer dreams, even if I am doing it wrapped in a blanket.

Also, I am curious, all you mama's out there with older siblings, how did you do the introduction?  Addy is still young, at almost two.  I know her primary concern will be for me and checking on me.  I mean, this girl has burst into tears at Doctor's appointments over worry for me.  So here is our plan on how we are handling it.  She will be with family while I deliver.  When she comes to the hospital for the first time, I am going to send her baby brother to the nursery so that when she sees me it will be just her and I for a while.  She can "check" on me and we can spend some one on one time together.  Then I'll have the baby brought in so she can meet him with me and we can all spend some time together.  I am then going to send brother back to the nursery so it's not like he gets to stay with me when she has to leave.  I think that will be the best option for our family and for her at tis time.  I know there are a million ways to do it but with her being so young, I think this will lead to the best possible processing of the information. 

I am getting so so excited, and so so ready.  I cannot wait to meet him.  Until then, I am going to soak up these last moments with him kicking away.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …