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It's Wednesday.  I'm a bit tapped for this week if I am going to be honest.  Addy started on the monitor at five am this morning and I woke up realizing I was in the exact same position that I fell asleep in last night, I didn't even get up to pee. 

That being said, this summer is sweet and full of hope and life and joy.  I have been struggling, struggling in a way of "jesus, this is the fifth freaking tantrum and the clock hasn't even hit 6:30 yet" "holy hell how can I be so mad at such a small human?" and struggling physically.  Adelynn is way more physical than I bargained for and is into climbing e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

That being said.  This summer is sweet.  I am overwhelmed and probably a bit underprepared for the biggest change that will take place in the nest few months but I have a boy that is kicking me every second of every day in my belly and I have a daughter that wraps her arms around me and when I do leave and come back gets so excited she just about has a conniption fit "MOMMY!!!!" I get to end my days with my soul mate and partner.  I have a tan for the first time ever because I actually get to spend my days outside as opposed to in an office.  We have plans for fruit stands and grilled corn, pulled pork and cupcakes.  My family is coming together, we are growing and maturing and laughing and crying, usually every day. 

I struggle with a lot and I don't know a lot, but I can tell you that I can look at Jim and know that he is my soul mate.  I look at A and know that, while she is way more than I bargained for, she is mine and the greatest gift I have been given.  I look at my stomach and know that in a couple of months, for the very first time, I will set eyes on my son.  For now, this is enough.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell. 

reflection.

i watched a video that my iPhone made, a video of 2016.  and it had just all of these beautiful and painful moments just wrapped into this four minute video.

the depth of my pain this year has been, at times, unbearable to the point where i wished for death.

but i saw so much smiling in those videos.  so many sweet moments and so many memories that happened when i was in a fog that felt all encompassing.



this year i felt the church's love in a way i have never before felt
this year i was able to take my kids on a disney cruise because of my co-workers at carters and the fundraiser they did for me
this year i was able to move because people came and packed and loaded me and helped with the cost of moving
this year my kids had a play set built for them while they were in another state
this year we imposed on people over and over again with our loud, yelling and crying little family of three
this year my daughter made beautiful friendships because people weren't afraid to reach …