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lazy, hazy, crazy baby.

it's summer.  I am actually quit thrilled to see so many of my favorite bloggers taking a break.  It takes the pressure off a bit.  Everyone is out enjoying the weather, unplugging.  It feels nice to breathe the fresh air, have a glass of lemonade, enjoy family, friends, longer days, etc.

That being said, I am now in my seventh month of pregnancy and getting to that uncomfortable, when is he going to be out, pregnancy is so difficult stage.  Truly.  I keep reminding myself that no matter how difficult pregnancy is, it only becomes more so once they are out.

J and I took the plunge and joined our local gym with an annual membership this past weekend.  The biggest draw for us was the pool/aquatic center they have.  I am so so so excited about this.  We paid for a daily pass last week to take Adelynn swimming.  Later that night, she flopped on her belly in the tub and as she was squirming around and said "swimming, swimming."  It was pretty much decided then and there that a membership was going to be a necessity.  It's an indoor pool which takes away seasonal worries and sun worries.  With the baby coming it will be so nice to have somewhere close where Jim can take her for a couple hours and she LOVES.  I am also equally excited about the gym membership... although I am not doing much now (haha!) I suffer from seasonal depression in the winter and am looking forward to having an outlet and a way to train for my marathon.  Even if I only make it twice a week, I am going to love having that time for just me and my goals. 

Lately... this is what we've been up to in numbers





daily wagon rides, number of times having to double back to pick up lost sunglasses - 2

3 - number of hours I made it at the reception and number of people in this picture

1 - birthday pop

12 - roses from my love

12 million, number of times she says higher!



so that's been life lately.  we've been working and loving and living.  some days are a struggle, some I am frustrated.  but overall it's been asweet summer with the promise of new things to come this fall. 

ps. we are going to work on transitioning addy to a big girl bed this coming weekend.  I will keep you posted on how this all goes!

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

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that person is selfish
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that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
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THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

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people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

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