8 months.


remember when you were alive and i could take a picture of you whenever i wanted to?  i had no idea what a gift that was... remember when you were alive and i could snuggle you close and listen to your breath?  i did know that was a gift.  recently it seems the breath of your siblings is what is keeping me going.

i am distraught without you here this season baby.  the summer i could handle, the autumn i could handle, but christmas?  christmas without my last baby?  why did i get you just to lose you?  why did i get to see you and smell you and touch you and love you just to have you ripped out of my grasp?  out of my life?

how can we ever celebrate without you?  did you get to dress up for halloween?  addy asked me what you were in heaven, we decided you were a lamb and daddy was a pumpkin.  i hope you did baby, even though let's be honest your mom didn't have the greatest track record dressing up her babies for their first halloween... both of your siblings went uncostumed.

out of everything, your loss remains the cruelest in my heart.  to live unending years without you by my side, the one who captured my soul, who completed the puzzle, who fit me in a way no one else can touch, that is the cruelest pain i have ever known.

i've been getting lots of tattoos recently, looking for an outward expression of my pain, i haven't been able to get yours yet though... i am sorry.  i should have the strength to bear the loss, to remind myself daily of what is not mine, but i can't.  not yet.

i don't know if it is more sad to buy gifts for you and know they won't be opened or not buy anything and just pretend it isn't so.

what am i going to do without you...

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