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your daughter (our) is the one to hold me through my tears.  it is getting harder and harder to cry.  there is still so much numb.  it's like looking at pictures of a different family, a different girl.  sometimes i wish i had physical scars from what i went through, just so i could see it.  so much changed and yet nothing (everything) looks the same.

it should be your arms holding me, your voice whispering that we are ok that i am ok, that it wasn't our fault (my), your kisses bringing me back down to sanity.

from the moment i met you i felt safe.  i had been through so much in the past year in relation to guys and then all of a sudden, you popped up, and no matter what i said or did or how i acted, you just stayed and stayed and stayed, you proved yourself over and over in the beginning.  and i felt safe.

i gave you my heart for safekeeping - only letting it out when we had children, each of whom have a piece tucked inside of them.  and now, now i only have two pieces remaining.  the rest torn asunder.  how could i have been so foolish, so naive.  why is there no safety zone?

in my hour of darkest need, you disappeared, the biggest storm, you did not weather.  choosing instead, to leave it to me.  do you know how jealous i get sometimes?  the very real thought that if i had any inkling to your actions, i would have beaten you to the punch on it.  we NEEDED you, i NEED you now.  i miss your voice, your touch, your humor, i miss talking to you and hearing you bitch, i miss our communication and being known so intimately that no words are needed, my home, my soul's home, disappeared right along with you.

you were supposed to be my future.  i remember one time driving back home from baltimore we saw an old couple at mcdonalds, eating breakfast together.  i don't even remember if i mentioned it to you, but i knew that would be us.  i (we) had put so much effort and time and energy into us, into our future.  and we had it, this brilliant, glittering realization of effort, the five of us.  and then... and then... and then..

now you are my past, something to be explained and processed and defended.  now you remain a mystery that i can never solve, addy keeps asking me when we are going to die like you and elly.  wish i knew, wish i had the words to explain to her, wish you wouldn't have folded up your sails.

do you know how much i want to fold into the current, how badly i want to put down my oar and rest, how HARD this is for me.  i have tasted the bitter, is the sweet ruined forever?  everything now seems to be rotting.

there is no good, there is no good, there is no good.
one memory pops up quite a bit, it really is more of a mash of our time together.  laying on our bed, me on your chest, windows open.  looking out into the world, knowing i was safe, knowing i was home.
i am forever undone.


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dating in 2016, also huge LOL at even posting this.

Half of me can’t even believe I am writing this post.  Dating is gruesome, isn’t it?  Like most of life, I suppose.
The weekend that Jim died I was standing there, a wreck, while my phone was blowing up.  Alayne goes “who is texting you so much?”
I respond “oh those are just my tinder matches” 
and I know that not everybody gets the hilarity and all I can say is until you are in the fire, you don’t see the need for a respite from getting burned.
anyways, i was talking to my therapist about dating and i commented “single, widowed mom, sole custody of two kids… it’s a tough sell” and it is.  
i have this story that literally leaves people speechless.  most people when they hear it don’t even really know how to interact with me much less get involved romantically.  and i know eventually it won’t be such a big part of my identity, this widowed, grieving mom, but right now it is and if i want anything to do with the person then it’s like they have to know it.  
again, it’s a tough sell.