to my daughter

dear a,

oh addy.  you turned four yesterday, you turned four and i failed you so badly on your birthday.  yesterday i had this moment when i was just yelling and being angry and you came up to me with this sad look on your face and just grabbed my hand.  you understand so much more than you let on baby.  i know you feel it too.  my relationship with you is so special, you take so much more of the load than you should.

to you who held my head when i was sobbing hysterically and patted my hair, "don't worry mommy, you're not alone"
to you who has literally saved my life with just your breathe when i've been close to the edge
to you who drapes your lanky body around mine just perfectly and nuzzles into my neck
to you who grabs my face and looks into my eyes when i'm angry and upset, searching for understanding

to you my daughter, i hope one day, when you have kids of your own you know how much i tried and how special you are to me.  i hope you know that i literally would not be here if not for your love.  i hope you know that no matter what you do with your life at 4 you have already saved mine and that is more than enough, i hope you know that our love is forever and ever and ever, i hope you know no matter who comes in and our of our lives we will always be that family of five, it might look different than other people's families, but that's ok, i hope you know that you can feel however you want to feel and look however you want to look and be whoever you want to be and THAT IS OK.

color inside the lines and i will love you
color outside the lines and i will love you

be a rule follower or breaker, live close or live far, travel or stay home, succeed or fail- I WILL LOVE YOU.

these days are not promised to us baby, let's take them for what they are.

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