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overprotected.

remember that britney spears song "overprotected" no, just me? because yeah i still listen to britney spears.

there is this tendency in all of us, to protect what matters of course.  i do it with my children, my dogs, my friends.  sometimes feeling helpless is worse than taking the pain personally.  usually it is, unless you are in a really extreme example.  God knows i'm going to go ape shit on the first guy that ever tried to mess around with addy.  sometimes i think about the road she is going to walk, with mean girls and bully, unrequited love and heartache... it's so hard to even imagine.  ultimately though, i know that in order for her to be her best i am going to have to release that grip.  that grip of trying to make everything perfect for her and instead just stand there in the paint with her, allow her to get hurt.



truly we can't really protect other people can we?  all we can do is struggle ourselves.  people spend too much time overthinking circumstances- at the end of the day it is what it is.  choose A or B, ultimately it doesn't really matter.  at this point there are two circumstances that could probably break me and none of them are in my control.  people spend so much time trying not to break me, underestimating my strength and looking only at my fragility that remains.  and ultimately too, that is another fallacy- overestimating our own importance.  we do this all the time with work right?  i used to manage all these pump files at my old job and i was not wrapped up when my water suddenly broke over the weekend two weeks early.  i ended up not returning after my maternity leave and you know what?  they survived, they managed all my pump files, shipped all my pumps.

it's this dichotomy again because every human being is unique and not one of us can be replaced, but in the same vein, all of us can be replaced.  miss one there's fifteen more coming 
is there anything i can offer the world that no one else would be able to come up with?  are we really unique or is there a futility in striving to make our stamp on the world?

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that person is selfish
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
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THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

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