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to my love,

i reeked of self-doubt today.  i.could.not.pull.it.together.  there is a large part of me that blames you for this today.  all of me wants to blame you.  my steps were false, my figure was halting, my frustration was always present.

your beautiful little angel turned four today.  do you remember that day four years ago?  my water breaking at our stow house?  i've never seen you happier than in that moment.  jesus babe, she missed you so much today.  you couldn't find it in you to stick around for that?  we talked about it constantly, you and elly missing from our "party," half of her family not even around when she turns four, to be four and have lost half of your family already.  and then i'm yelling because i'm frustrated and sad and tired and i miss you too and i miss my daughter.  and it's all a mess.

even in my new reality there is still disbelief.  not as much as in ohio for sure, but a part.  a part of me still whispers (he can't have.that'snothim)

it wasn't you right?


today is not a day of thankfulness, today is not a day of #newblessings.  today is a day of wistfulness - to the girl i was even before we met.  today i am mad.  today i hate.  today i am frustrated and angry and not doing my best and not being my best.

beating my fists against an iron door, never to have it open.

it's a zero sum game and we've already lost.

Comments

  1. Sweet Bria, how I admire you. You are brutally honest about your feelings. So transparent. I wish everyone who has gone through similar situations could see all of this. You have been dealt a hand that is unimaginable to most people I think, yet you get up every morning, take care of your family the best way you can on that day. Sometimes its a really good day, sometimes not so much and sometimes a terrible one. You will get through this, you will be whole again. I wish I knew you. I wish I knew you well before all of this. No one will be able to touch the strength you will gain from all of this. You can't make the pain and agony go away, but it will get better. The good days will start outweighing the difficult ones. Keep kicking ass girl, I know you didn't set out to be one but you are a true inspiration. Let's have a great week.

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i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

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