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on having your own identity.

we train ourselves to always look for the positive in situations.  this is a skill that's honed, a professional development over a lifetime.  you know when this gets awkward?  when it relates to death.  for some reason we think our brain shouldn't go there.  it should have the boundaries of knowing that nothing good can come from death.

my brain is such a muddled place recently, it is a ball of yarn that will most likely never completely unravel.  i still spend a lot of time just in thought, thinking about why i did what i did, the impact it's had on my life.

when a marriage ends, there is this very real part of you that sheds that part of you like a coat that doesn't fit anymore.  and it doesn't really matter how/why it ends.  i failed for a large portion of our relationship to carve out an identity for myself outside of being jim's wife and my children's mother.  and the reality of that is that deficit started when i met him.

our love story so unique and palpable - a whirlwind of five months from meeting to married, was entirely dependent on a very unique world perspective at the time.  i was so unhappy and being with him made me so happy, i bounced on my old life.  which, at the time, seemed positive.  i had a lot of unhealthy habits that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to get rid of everything.  but i went from being lost by myself to lost in a relationship.  i'm honestly not sure what a healthy marriage looks like, i had a great one, but was it healthy?  is anyone's healthy?  does forcing ourselves to belong to one person for the entirety of our lives, the length of which is ever expanding, lead to personal development or does it stifle it?

i was talking to my counselor who said that some sociologists are looking into whether marriage is antiquated with the lengthening life span.  if you asked me today, i would say i don't really believe in the idea right now.  i'm more into creating family.  i don't think you necessarily need marriage to do that.  i also think forcing a coat on that has long since shrunk can be stifling and unnecessary.

ok.  i'll end here and even though i hate them, i am throwing out a PSA on this post, if you are married and in my life this is not about you.  i promise.  just put that idea out of your head.  my paintbrush is broad here, referring to all of society and the evolution of our construct.

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