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inaugural

as i put very literal miles between myself and the pain of ohio, i took a deep breath.  i actually did most of the driving coming down, it wasn't intentional, but it was healing.  about halfway down i felt my chest physically relax, i thought about my daughter and my husband and realized over again that leaving the shadows doesn't mean leaving them.  i felt free.

the American Psychiatric Association compares surviving suicide to surviving a traumatic event, on par with concentration camp survival, bomb survival, etc.  the aftermath of living in that house was necessary for a time because i needed time to gain the strength to say goodbye, but it was very much putting myself in a prison.

i am in a season of pruning and my life just got cut back hard.  it's not the most fun i've ever encountered, watching shit blow up as i am powerless to do anything.  but the blooming that comes after a hard prune is incredible.  things are only made by their opposites, comfort does nothing for us.  it is the sharp edge of steel that refines, the harsh cuts of pruning that make blooms, the scrapes of sandpaper that make smooth.  do not strive for comfort, strive for greatness.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.



time will tell if after pruning, i am able to return to the roots.  i have very little plans, choosing instead to focus on the immediate moments, the tasks at hand.  i have felt myself return unto myself in NC and it is a good feeling.  

i went to one last yoga class in ohio and the teacher said "your mat is a mirror" on my correction she noticed my flexibility but said i needed to gain strength.  i have thought about that a lot.  for years i viewed myself as inflexible, but this was and is inaccurate.  i was unable to see my flexibility and right now i have been unable to see my strength.  shrinking though, does nothing for anybody.  no one is enlightened by the shrinking of another human entity, no one benefits by you undercutting yourself and your abilities.  do not though, do not think that it will come easily, that your greatness will be recognized without strife.  be brave enough to stand in the storm.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …