as i put very literal miles between myself and the pain of ohio, i took a deep breath.  i actually did most of the driving coming down, it wasn't intentional, but it was healing.  about halfway down i felt my chest physically relax, i thought about my daughter and my husband and realized over again that leaving the shadows doesn't mean leaving them.  i felt free.

the American Psychiatric Association compares surviving suicide to surviving a traumatic event, on par with concentration camp survival, bomb survival, etc.  the aftermath of living in that house was necessary for a time because i needed time to gain the strength to say goodbye, but it was very much putting myself in a prison.

i am in a season of pruning and my life just got cut back hard.  it's not the most fun i've ever encountered, watching shit blow up as i am powerless to do anything.  but the blooming that comes after a hard prune is incredible.  things are only made by their opposites, comfort does nothing for us.  it is the sharp edge of steel that refines, the harsh cuts of pruning that make blooms, the scrapes of sandpaper that make smooth.  do not strive for comfort, strive for greatness.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

time will tell if after pruning, i am able to return to the roots.  i have very little plans, choosing instead to focus on the immediate moments, the tasks at hand.  i have felt myself return unto myself in NC and it is a good feeling.  

i went to one last yoga class in ohio and the teacher said "your mat is a mirror" on my correction she noticed my flexibility but said i needed to gain strength.  i have thought about that a lot.  for years i viewed myself as inflexible, but this was and is inaccurate.  i was unable to see my flexibility and right now i have been unable to see my strength.  shrinking though, does nothing for anybody.  no one is enlightened by the shrinking of another human entity, no one benefits by you undercutting yourself and your abilities.  do not though, do not think that it will come easily, that your greatness will be recognized without strife.  be brave enough to stand in the storm.

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