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everywhere i go.

everywhere i go i take them with me.  this ache that will never quite subside, it will always be felt.  what i hear so often is that i am strong but it's funny because i think the people who are strong are the ones who aren't afraid of my pain, who don't mind being scarred with me because the fire affects them too.

i remember there was a popular blogger who lost her four year old son in a tragic accident maybe two years ago?  i remember being horrified by it and literally thinking to myself "well... won't be reading that for a while"

sometimes the most difficult thing in the world is to watch those close to you suffer.  i write so much about being alone and feeling alone.  but there have been many who have chosen to stand in the fire with me, many who show up and show up even when i don't call back right away, even when i am spacey and overwhelmed by my text messages and don't respond back.

by leaving ohio, i am leaving a lot.  i am going to a tribe but also leaving a tribe.  it is hard, hard for me to leave.  i am sad and emotional and at times overwhelmed with the enormity of leaving all these people behind.  but then i think of trying to stay, of trying to rebuild here and i realize, it just can't happen.

also this is just a general FYI but if someone you know is hurting or going through a rough time, say something, say anything.  no- you don't have the right words, yes you might stay something stupid, but you will be forgiven for stupid comments and most likely provide fodder for the person who is going through the difficult time because it's always good to have a laugh in your back pocket.

silence is salt on an open wound.  and if you want me to give you a specific start with "i am so sorry, there are no words"


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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …