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Holy cannoli

Addy and I have this thing whenever she finishes something she always wants me to say "holy cannoli you ate all your(fill in the blank) green beans, peaches, etc.  I am 100% positive this is only funny to me as her mother but her face is priceless.

Almost three is starting to get really good, she makes jokes and is getting that little kid kookiness to her.  I mean, honestly guys, kids are just weird- they are!  Today we were cuddling and she goes "when boys chase girls, they grunt" I said "who told you that" and she goes "noooo, I told you that!"

Also today "Laney will be the prince and I'll be the princess"
"Who's mommy?"
"The queen"
"Who's daddy?"
"The fairy"



Things are good.  We are settling into our house and while there are a million projects to do, shit gets expensive quickly- so most are on the back burner indefinitely.  The two major things I am hoping for by next year are a new dishwasher and a fence.  My biggest pet peeve is our floors, comprised mainly of old carpeting and ceramic tile.  You guys- I looooathe tile.  I think it is impossible to keep clean with kids and dogs and the grout always looks gross and they didn't seal it properly.  Ugh, shudder.

Have you guys used ThredUp? I just threw my hat in the ring with them the other day.  While I think their normal prices are a bit steep for used clothing, a 40% coupon helped take the sting out a bit.  I dont think I would shop their normal prices though because honestly when the stores are running really good sales (gap just did a crazy one) the prices are almost equal.  I'll let you know what I think when I get my stuff.

I don't really have a way to wind this up.  I am still fully entrenched in summer so I refuse to write about anything coming up in the fall yet.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …