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i know, i know.

there has been a lot going on this week (months really).  I have been processing and figuring out what I want to do.  I've had a job offer that I had to mull over and (separately) was debating trying to reenter the work force.  Staying at home, at times, is difficult.  There are so many issues to overcome just as a female in this world.  At times, my pride wants me to earn an income, my being wants to interact with adults, in an adult setting, and I grow weary and tired of being at home.

In today's society in general, it can be difficult to truly flesh out what we want.  When there are a hundred different options flashing in your face at all times, the grass tends to look greener.   But wherever you go, there you are.  I think what really brought this home for me was moving.  My husband and I closed on our house in March.  I thought this would solve all my problems, - how could I be discontent when I got the house I wanted?  Yet, the dissatisfaction still lingered.  It crept up within me like an itch you can't quite get rid off.  So the other night, I knew there would be no sleep in the cards for me, and I finally just sat with myself and the discontent, the knowledge about what my family needs right now, and what the future looks like for us. 

So - blogging is back on the plate.  I am lucky enough to have a rare opportunity to seek out my passions and that is what I am going to be looking to do.  I love the blogging community and truly want to connect and write.  So that is what I will do - it might be a couple posts a week, or once a month but they will all be written from my heart and not in an effort to gain readership or sponsored posts. 

If I could wish one thing for myself, its that I could enter a season of true contentment within my life and myself.  So often, my discontent with myself seeps into my life and leaves me feeling hollow.  I am ready to leave this behind and enter a new season.  So everyone with me now, wherever you go- there you are.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
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they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


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dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …