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tough love.

i was moping the other day.  just you know, generally complaining about my circumstances and life.  my dad looked at me and goes "you got that bird tattooed on your chest- live up to it"

this is why i have the coping skills i do.  because ultimately, our circumstances are beyond our control, but our thought process is in our control.  my present circumstances blow.  but my life does not blow and i still have a lot of miracles.  this refinement through suffering is tough, but it is not my life and more than that it is not me.  i am not my suffering.  sometimes it feels like i am, it's a constant fight to just break through.  break through.

this life is weird.  it's so fragile and difficult and unwieldy.  there are nuances and layers and intricacies that lay far beyond our control or understanding or thought.  it doesn't take much to realize our shortcomings with intelligent thought.  a misunderstood fight, a tragedy, we suddenly realize we don't know as much as we thought we did.

i don't know why jim and elly died.  i doubt i will ever know here.  i pray and hope that when i get to heaven that question becomes along the lines of addy asking me why pasta isn't a breakfast food- insignificant, unimportant, and clearly understood.

we are growing, we are stretching and we are starting to reach.

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treat it.

to everyone who has never been touched by suicide,

i get it.  i used to be like you too.  here are the most common views of suicide i either heard or personally held growing up:

that person is selfish
that person is crazy
that person is a coward
they wanted to die
they were depressed for a long time and finally went through with it
there are always warning signs, so people know it's coming
that it's preventable
THAT IT WOULDN'T AFFECT ME


there is this social stigma around depression, suicide, etc.  i can't tell you what it is like to not be able to talk openly about my husband's death.  to see people either openly or privately distance themselves from my pain, search for reasons that he did it beyond the fact that he was ill and we didn't catch it in time, connect dots that aren't connected.  all so they can convince themselves that they will never know the pain, and i honestly hope they don't- but it's possible they will.  i know people whose lives…

dreams.

to my love,

i hope you know how much i miss you.  the words, of course, fall short.  but there they are, just the same.  i.miss.you.  i told addy that you and elly can live in our hearts forever, but this of course is a lie.  death is permanent and there is no living to be done once the breathe leaves our bodies.  you are not living on in our hearts, minds, or souls.  there is no living to yet be done for you.  instead we are left with our memories which time will eventually dull.  numbing ourselves to the very sense of you.  it is that way for me with my mom, my memories of her are stunted and few and we had eight years together.

does it bother you to know the only real remembrance your children will have of you is seen through my eyes and my hearts?  the sharp reality of their dad is forever lost to them.

people are trying to instill hope in me in regards to my future.  i know they mean well but it is coming off condescending.  no one but my own being knows my pain.  i am not here…
Dear Cavs,

Our playoff season started the day my five week old daughter, Elly, passed away, twelve days later my husband also died suddenly.
Your road to the finals, so fraught with emotion was also the start of a very difficult, seemingly impossible journey for me.

I started watching at game five... when we were down 3-1, I thought for sure that we would lose that game- when we won, all of a sudden- I cared.  When so many lights had gone out for me there was all of a sudden very small glimmer of hope and dare I say satisfaction possibly ahead.

It would have seemed from the circumstances that I shouldn't care whether we won or lost, so many things in my life didn't hold their meaning anymore- but I did.  I couldn't help it.  The enthusiasm was infectious.  These games gave  me hope.

I watched as you won game five and game six and I'll never forget seeing Kyrie on the bench after six holding up his seven fingers.... Here we go.

I almost regretted getting invested as I …