6 years

six years ago today, we met.  i showed up, looking like hell, saw your face and thought to myself "well... you should have dressed better"

six years ago today you caught sight of me for the first time.  i never got sick of hearing it from your perspective.  i remember when we were first together, i would lay on your chest and ask you to tell me it from your side.

six years ago today we sparked.  we spent five and a half years burning strong before being put out.

half the time i'm so mad at you.  as someone who literally never struggled with anger or physical violence in her life it's a strange sensation to just want to punch walls throughout the day.  you left me with so much weight.  the weight of now being the only one who knows what our daughter meant to us as her parents, the weight of that loss being carried day in, day out for eternity.  do you KNOW WHAT LOSING HER MEANT TO ME?  how it ripped my soul in two?  i can't even think about her without being overwhelmed with loss and sadness.  how badly i want to cradle my baby and see her smile and hear her coo.  oh what a weight to carry, oh what a weight.

the weight of my present situation.  a house where my daughter died, a house where my husband left me.  two kids who need me.  a life with no option but to keep going.  keep going keep going...

the toil of every day.  and you buckled.  i miss you love, you know that's where this anger is coming from right?  i miss you in every fiber of every being and i miss our daughter.  the one we created.  i miss her too, and it just intertangles and spins together with no room for breathe or thought or space.

my head and heart are at odds with everything.

six years ago today, jim.  six years ago today.

1 comment

  1. Brianna,
    I don't know you personally, but I am thinking about you a lot and praying for you and sending you financial support as much as I can. I've hesitated to write anything here because, well, what can anyone possibly say? But you are a beautiful writer and I think it's good that you keep this blog going. I always feel a little better when you post a new one, even when they are sad, because I know you're still writing, and that is very good therapy. Please know that there are many people lifting you up, and most importantly, your Heavenly Father is waiting to heal you heart. It's what He does, and it can be confusing in the process, I know, but you will come through this, and you will understand. I don't know how I know that, I just do. Be well today!