denial

our brains are so complex, in everyday situations, much less in deep grief.  the immediate aftermath of jim's death was horrible and then suddenly i found myself not so horrible.  i seemed ok, it felt like "ok if i get enough sleep and don't drink too much then yeah, i can do this!  i feel ok, this will be ok"

then the denial wears off...  and you are just left with the sadness.  there are so many layers to grief.  and then there are layers within layers- anger, denial, sadness.  the sadness is just so heavy, so very very heavy.  you feel like you will never be whole, you feel like this is going to last forever.  the only thing i can equate it to is drowning.  you literally feel as if you are drowning.  and then as suddenly as it came over you, it stops.  the tightening lessons and the numbness comes over you.  the waves are coming more frequent now, which is kind of ironic because this seems to also be the time where i feel everyone goes "ok ship shape now, let's get back to normal life"

it's crazy to me that even in the deepest of tragedy i can't let go of this perfectionist side of myself.  am i grieving like i should? what would all these people who are supporting me think of me if they found out x, y, z? does the church truly love me?  i can't even allow myself the grace to go through this without second guessing my actions.

this is the absolute worst broken heart i could ever imagine.  i feel as if i will never be whole again.  my mind swirling back to that week, what if? why?

most people don't know the details, but i did see my husband alive the morning of.  i can't explain the disconnect between thinking that my jim was grabbing the trash cans in from outside and being told he was dead.  it's asking for coke and getting pepsi on the deepest level imaginable.

the most difficult moments are processing the grief on behalf of my children and watching my children processing the grief and knowing the moments that await them going forward.  i've lived without a parent.  i know what it feels like.  i know the pain and grief and sadness that awaits them.  i know the job that awaits me of securing in their minds that a dad they either don't or barely remember loves them.  i know the job that awaits them of living their life and processing each stage without their dad.

as addy put it the other night "i wish daddy was still with us down here."
me too baby, me too.